I'm almost sorry for what I'm gonna do

[as_we_learn]

The review that you wrote will show that I'm overbooked
for an altercation where I'll find you monotone.
These covered up pools have seen me fall into you
only hoping that I fell like a fool.
Patent my remarks because I know when you start
to use my phrases like hooks you'll catch me for sure(the loner).

In these blank thoughts and grooves
you have run so clever and smooth (right through).
Exactly the opposite of my awkward anecdote.
Oh yeah here's my hand hitting the floorboard(in frustration).

Up the stairs and through narrow halls.
I have found a brand new beating sound
that intrigues me slowly while I almost end this waltz.
Will it take you back to spontaneous memories
if you put back your hair while I find your way back home.

In these blank thoughts and grooves
you have run so clever and smooth (right through).
Exactly the opposite of my awkward anecdote.
Oh yeah here's my hand hitting the floorboard(in frustration).

Cold in the sections of concrete and pebbles
with my hand on the tip of the moment.
Distant shoulders and strained eyes
have seen the steps I've taken to reach this occasion.
So while the hold is only for a moment
I'll be hoping for the fall in the cracked floor.

[as_we_learn]

Bumping

[greys1104]

awwwww.i luv it cuz i get it now. ;-)

[as_we_learn]

Thank you so much

[manican sex]

its good but i dont know what im suppose to be getting besides for the brand new reference.

[as_we_learn]

Thanks Bub and I don't really know what to tell you man hah.

[OveriseFan]

There's a Brand New reference?

[as_we_learn]

There's a Brand New reference?
Yeah the title is a line from Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis

[as_we_learn]

Five Bumps and 7 years ago

[OveriseFan]

Yeah the title is a line from Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis

Meh.

That's not an allusion... that's a title. I'm disappointed.

[as_we_learn]

I disppointed you shit. Did you read the piece though

[xsxarexsoxscene]

i really like it :)

[manican sex]

awwwww.i luv it cuz i get it now. ;-) well see i thought i was suppose to get something so i got the brand new reference and i thought it was a real good peice just reminded me of brand new alot.

[CellarGhosts]

Hey, how did I miss this one? haha anyway...

I liked it. The title was "eh, alright..." if you get my meaning. But other than that, I felt that it was a very solid piece.

Good job.

[as_we_learn]

well see i thought i was suppose to get something so i got the brand new reference and i thought it was a real good peice just reminded me of brand new alot.
Man I'm glad it gave you that Brand New feell haha thanks
Hey, how did I miss this one? haha anyway...

I liked it. The title was "eh, alright..." if you get my meaning. But other than that, I felt that it was a very solid piece.

Good job.
Thanks Chris havent seen your stuff lately man. I miss those pieces of greatness

[CellarGhosts]

haha, thanks JR.
It sucks, I havent been able to write at all lately.
I'm working on something now, but its really rough, and needs lots of work.
But it is titled "the Night Was..." in refrence to the writers block Billy Crystal goes through in one of my favorite comedies ever, "Throw Mamma From the Train" haha

And yea thanks man, glad you think they're great haha. If you wanna see something, go check out the improvised poetry-off Melissa and I have in the discussion thread haha.

[as_we_learn]

Yeah man writers block sucks. I have also been plagued with it. It sucks trying to write something haha yeah bad.... I'll check out the one in the discussion thread right now man

[narfchunks]

Technically, the line is "I almost feel sorry for what I'm gonna do."

Anyway, what I get from this is that you're trying to do something rhythmical and overall it works but when read outloud the flow is sometimes interrupted. There are some lines that need minor rewording, but really small things. The two that stand out are "The review that you wrote will show that I'm overbooked" and "if you put back your hair while I find your way back home" just because the first would sound better if it only had one or no "that"s in it (i.e. "the review you wrote will show i'm overbooked") and similarly i think the other line would sound better as "if you put back your hair while I find your way home." I mean it's really minor and I'm being picky but in something with a pretty defined rhythm tiny things can stall. I also question your use of parenthesis. Are these lyrics or is that done for style? As poetry, I'm unsure of it. Oh and I also don't think the title really matches the piece.

And finally, I really adore the last stanza. It just sounds really good.