since you guys like hitting on my songs soo much....

[BuriedAlive]

i got a new one for you guys...

she lays dormant and lifeless
no one around, just let her die
shes locked away, in what they call a camp
no exit signs only barbed wire
malnutrion, taking its toll
her body, emaciated, only skin and bones
"work will make you free"
as every lie eats away at her
just work to your death
hands become callus, dry, torn
left with no self-esteem, knowing,
this is where she will lay in peace
a graveyard of bones surrounds her
hair cut, buzzed to nothing, used to stuff pillows
the smell of burning flesh fills her nose
the stench so strong, can barely stand it
they work day and night, food rations, minimal
they were pushed to the limit, could barely continue
she had no time to prepare for what happened
one day she is at school with her friends
next, shes in a camp working to nothing
did you notice the pain?
did you feel the animosity brewing?
she felt she couldnt go on any longer
everyday get updates on the war
didnt help, just made her anxious
after everyday slowly went by, she lost hope
winter slowly came, but finally she could start her life
brand new life, she survived to see this end
she still asks herself why? why me?
everyone puzzled, no answers were found



i didnt really do anything after i wrote it i read over it to see the simple mistakes and i probably still missed some but i would like some suggestions. dont just say the song sucks.

[TheFallenScene]

Good theme man "holocaust", but it is probably a more touchy subject. Umm..it comes together well and like most of your other songs...Good Job.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

To start off this is one of the first songs I really actually enjoyed. I loved your topic, its very touching, that why I loved it. Heres a few complaints though, you made it to story like, but like you said you really didn't change it, but I would like to see it more put into a poetic song form. Also you said she heard news of the war, but they did not have radios and the Natzis wouldn't tell them because that would give them hope and make them stronger. I don't really wanna change more, because I think this has a lot of potential and I would really like to see what you can put together. Goodjob, I would really like to see you revise it and post it again.

[BuriedAlive]

ya this isnt my first song that i wrote about the holocaust but it is the one that was personal and about 1 person not a group of people. i could bump up the song so you can read it isuckyourblood if you would like me too. and maybe a few of my other songs. or you could look for them.

but this song just came to me i kinda was thinking of anne frank sorta (except she died). it came out how i wanted it i might try to revise the song a little, maybe the part about hearing updates but i think thats really all i need to fix, but i will try to get a better flow of the song.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Yea thats very funny, because I was thinking that this might have a connection to Anne Frank I don't know why I didn't mention it in my post but I felt the connection. Yea and please revise and re-post.

[proeuthanasia]

well done chris. i'm a big fan of your other holocaust song (first song of yours i had ever read) and this is, as youngblood said, very touching as well. i suggest you keep the 'updates on the war' line in the song because, despite the fact that there were no radios, etc. available to the jews in the camps, people still caught word every now and then from people being transferred from camps close to the war fronts and news tended to spread like wildfire through those camps. especially when it concerned the war (this known to me through extensive research on what i once considered the most fascinating topic in history). i think the line helps tie a sense of the oppressed community of jews as a whole into the song. even though the song focuses mainly on an individual, this factor helps to 'round out' the story, if you will. what else can i say besides nicely done?

[xxMichaelxx]

bravo. the halocaust seems to haunt you pretty bad, if this is what your subconscious produces man. Did you have family involved in any aspect of it? My grandpa was one of the first to "liberate" the jews.

[BuriedAlive]

actually im not sure, but i mean im the only person posting new stuff. (like about no god and yes about the holocaust) everyone else is calling my stuff cliche but they only read the ones that i try to really connect to people with because those are pretty much cliche because alot of people can relate. now the topic about the holocaust and about no god not many people can relate or believe in what i said and/or wrote. i think its kind of sad that the only thing people have to say about someone elses song is that its cliche.

but about the song, jess, thats what i was thinking and is why i added it. considering while using anne frank as my main topic (even though she died) they did get alot of updates while in their annex which they probably spread onto the other inmates.

also, this song doesnt really connect to me personally besides the fact that i thought they (jewish people) were treated very poorly for being jewish.

and yes i do try to make the song as touching and easy to picture as i possibly can. i think you should beable to paint a mental picture of what i am singing, or in this case letting you all read. i am a fan of writing about the holocaust. its one of my favorite things to write about. you guys might get a few more and maybe even some about the starving kids on the eastern side of the world.

[**michelleV**]

i thought this was a real good song better than your other ones maybe because its not about love or loneliness. i was just wondering if there is a title to this song. also im not sure if you meant to write the song this way but on this line-"hands become callus, dry, torn" i think its supposed to be hands become callused. but im not sure cause i suck at spelling but other than that this is just a great song.

[BuriedAlive]

it is suppose to be callus because it is stated in present or future tense not past tense. also thanks for the comment.

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
it is suppose to be callus because it is stated in present or future tense not past tense. also thanks for the comment. what about the title? i dont know but for me a good song should have a good title as well.

[BuriedAlive]

no i do not have a title. i havent really thought about it. i might come up with one.

[**michelleV**]

remember when i had more posts than you did? what the hell happened?

[BuriedAlive]

you left and i posted for like ever. but ya i was thinking for the song title "one in a million" but it wasnt orginal but it still made sense to the song. but if you think its a crap title just tell me. and any other comments on the song?

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
you left and i posted for like ever. but ya i was thinking for the song title "one in a million" but it wasnt orginal but it still made sense to the song. but if you think its a crap title just tell me. and any other comments on the song? well i really dont like that title too much it just doesnt sound rigth. keep working on it unless you like it in wich case keep it and dont listen to me.

[BuriedAlive]

i like that title because, pretty much for every 1 million jewish people that died one survived which is where the title came from she was one of the few.

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
i like that title because, pretty much for every 1 million jewish people that died one survived which is where the title came from she was one of the few. well if you like it keep it. i just dont like it to much.

[xxMichaelxx]

you dont have to use it, but i think a good name would be

"Work will make you free"

thats just me tho

oh by the way, is it just me or does this guy :eek: look like the Pip ( i think thats his name) from invader zim?

[ISuckYoungBlood]

No way "one in a million" sounds like an Nsync song, you have a topic that you cant just toss around, to many people its touching, extremely touching you gotta put a mature title thats very brief but explains the point.

[BuriedAlive]

ya im gonna really think about the title. that is why i dont have one. to me they have to be full of meaning and the little amount of words as possible.

[BuriedAlive]

any other suggestions?

[wewin]

you already wrote a song about the holocaust. you copied yourself.

how low can you go?

write about something else.
here's the critique.

she lays dormant and lifeless=dead
no one around, just let her die-she's already dead(?)
she's locked away, in what they call a camp
"in what they call a camp"=awkward. it WAS a camp. and introducing a "they" at this point is unnecessary...i mean, at this point we already know what the song is about.
no exit signs only barbed wire
malnutrion, taking its toll
her body, emaciated, only skin and bones shitty writing here. it's very compressed and rushed. it is void of emotion. i'd be interested to know which parts of this song felt emotional to you.
"work will make you free" uh, it did. they died. sounds callous, i know, but it was true. in a sense.
as every lie eats away at her
just work to your death
hands become callus, dry, torn this song is rushed. you're cramming too many thoughts and images into a tiny space. expand on one of these ideas. "hands become callus" is a neat phrase, something unusual, and you just brush it over. adjectives like dry, torn...those are boring. "every lie eats away at her"...that "lies eating" kinda thing has been done ENOUGH. STOP USING CLICHES AND JUST TAKE A LITTLE LONGER TO WRITE YOUR SONG.
left with no self-esteem, like that was their biggest problem. "oh, woe is me, i have no self-esteem." you're emphasizing the wrong point here. this song, despite its subject matter, still feels like a song about a girl, and this part doesn't do anything to help that. this is where all your songs from the past come back to haunt you: you've used so much violent/death/sad imagery in the past that, now, when you want it to matter the most, when you want it to have emotional impact, all i can think about is how you've written this same kind of thing like twenty times over. you've used up all the violent imagery in the world, dude. this song just lacks newness and creativity. knowing,
this is where she will lay in peace
a graveyard of bones surrounds her
hair cut, buzzed to nothing, used to stuff pillows
just listing atrocities doesn't make me feel. i mean, if i told you that twelve kids died in a car accident, would you feel anything lasting or anything important or anything strong? no. you'd be like, "that's sad." and move on. telling me about atrocities, even the holocaust, in such a flat way will NOT make me feel sad. you're giving me information instead of feeling. I know the holocaust was bad, and i've felt sad because of it. the reason books like Night and other holocaust books are so emotional is because they relate the story and the facts as feeling instead of informational factoids, like you do.
the smell of burning flesh fills her nose
the stench so strong, can barely stand it
they work day and night, food rations, minimal
they were pushed to the limit, could barely continue
she had no time to prepare for what happened
one day she is at school with her friends
next, shes in a camp working to nothing
did you notice the pain?
did you feel the animosity brewing?
she felt she couldnt go on any longer
everyday get updates on the war
didnt help, just made her anxious
after everyday slowly went by, she lost hope
winter slowly came, but finally she could start her life
brand new life, she survived to see this end
she still asks herself why? why me?
everyone puzzled, no answers were found um. bad writing. everyone's gonna get pissed at me 'cause i think your holocaust song sucks, but i think that this is really weak. you use the same violent images in all your songs and now they mean nothing. this song is a copy of your other song. write about something else.

[BuriedAlive]

dude the holocaust has taken a part of me which is why i have written 2 songs about it. you actaully liked my other one, and sorry not all my songs can be like that one. my writing hasnt been as good lately. i mean the emotion is there its just hard for me to explain them in words. plus i posted this after i just got done writing it. but i will go back look it over maybe try to fix it up.

[BuriedAlive]

heres another of my many bad writings.

[punkpixie]

I just read this and it really got to me. I have visited aushwitz in Poland which was probably the most notorious camp and ive got to say just how horrible it was. We were actually shown the gas chambers and it was pretty damn scary. So anything I see or here about the holocaust upsets me even more now. Your song brought all that stuff back to me and I think it is great that you chose such a real topic to write about. Well done! I

[BuriedAlive]

well im glad that this song kinda makes what happened seem real i guess. i dont know i just tried to bring out what i learned and make it seem more real to people... letting people know ya this really did happen and it wasnt pretty. i think i accomplished that. and thank you for your comment.

[popdisaster530]

I'm no expert on the holocaust, but I've read Anne Frank and studied WW2, so the song really does mean alot, great writing, never read your other one, so i cant say if it was better.

by the way, hows about naming it "callus". That sounds pretty tight to me

[BuriedAlive]

i will bump my other up so you can read it...