untitled. comments?

[mrswentz01]

dove off a cliff into a sea of acid
with you at the bottom of the trail
unaware of how far i've traveled
and the direction of our paths
walk towards the sun, enjoy the sights
as i go in head first into the inevitable
without regret or hesistance
or remembrance of what love ever was
what's the point of existence
when i can't even jump this damn fence
to see you on the other side
don't look for my remains
because angels don't belong here
don't clip your wings for a trinket
perch above, and shed a tear
for those suffering on the beaten path
soaked in time's horrible remnants
on the hope your tear might fall
and wash away the horrors of life
what a curse upon an innocent
to have viewed misery's best work
and pure luck that i rot from the inside out
love never spoke to me
abandoned me from my first breath
i'd still rather wear deformities like a gown
than be the nothing i was born to be
friend is a misconception
it's the 31st every day, and i'm blending in
until the void can't hold up the charade
and reveals the dilapidated shack
that had impressed you from afar
but i can see disgust on the finished canvas
i've been fingerpainting over perfection today
forgive me, i couldnt help but touch heaven
right before falling out of good graces
straight into deserved obliteration.

[black rose]

Well, it's very all over the place. It seems like you have a bunch of thoughts but don't know how to connect them. But you have potential. Keep writing.

[a speedo model]

Yeah, this just feels way to inconsistent. It has some great ideas and lines, but you need to work on the flow.

[XxIronistxX]

I agree with them ^