Break of Day

[thegraveyard]

ok so this come from one of the songs i wrote. the song has 3 songs in one and this is the first part...its the only part i remebered so far.

Break of Day

Break of day is so far away
its a matter of time until we stray
take me back to what i know
before the light starts to show

take me back to what i loved
im sick and tired of being shoved
we all live like were one
remembering everything thats said and done

i remember how u were here
in a time of need and fear
i dont recall how i got lost
loosing you was my only cost

break of day is so far away
its a matter of time until we stray
take me back to what i know
before the light starts to show

what do u think so far?

[Arseniek]

hello please say me who's the singer of the song "break of day" thank you

[thegraveyard]

umm i dont know it is a song i wrote? and this is so old...so i dont know what you are talking about. what you said is not even proper english.

[a speedo model]

ok so this come from one of the songs i wrote. the song has 3 songs in one and this is the first part...its the only part i remebered so far.

Break of Day

Break of day is so far away
its a matter of time until we stray
take me back to what i know
before the light starts to show

The first two lines are bad, close to terrible. Horribly unoriginal imagery that was uninteresting, causing this piece to start by tripping over its own feet. The other two aren't as bad, they are decent.

take me back to what i loved
im sick and tired of being shoved
we all live like were one
remembering everything thats said and done

I hate your use of rhyming, so badly.

The "loved/shoved" rhyme pisses me off, the two do not rhyme. It's annoying.

This piece is boring so far. It's just line after line of boring, poorly rhymed, cliche ladden lines.
i remember how u were here
in a time of need and fear
i dont recall how i got lost
loosing you was my only cost
Yep, this is terrible. Very bad. You use lines that are HORRIBLE just to rhyme with the line before. This is hopeless. Nothing can save this excepet a total rewrite. There is no furthering of anything, the lines are useless and just trite bullshit.

break of day is so far away
its a matter of time until we stray
take me back to what i know
before the light starts to show

Perfect way to end it. With the beginning that was the first warning sign.

The rhyme scheme here is a huge problem. It's traditional, thus can be hard to do well. You use it and use every single rhyme that is on a Valentines Day card somewhere. Snow - know, away - stray, loved - shoved (doesn't rhyme, I hate that shit so much), one - done, here - fear, lost - cost. Please, be somewhat creative. Honestly.

Overall, this is terrible. Honestly. I'm being blunt so you can hopefully learn from this, because it's not good. In almost every way it's terrible. And where it's not, I'd say it is decent.

Scrap this.

[h0merg0mez]

I can tell you're trying too hard to rhyme. Don't try to fit what you're feeling in a formatted box, if you know what I mean. But keep writing and don't let yourself get discouraged.

[thegraveyard]

The first two lines are bad, close to terrible. Horribly unoriginal imagery that was uninteresting, causing this piece to start by tripping over its own feet. The other two aren't as bad, they are decent.

I hate your use of rhyming, so badly.

The "loved/shoved" rhyme pisses me off, the two do not rhyme. It's annoying.

This piece is boring so far. It's just line after line of boring, poorly rhymed, cliche ladden lines.
Yep, this is terrible. Very bad. You use lines that are HORRIBLE just to rhyme with the line before. This is hopeless. Nothing can save this excepet a total rewrite. There is no furthering of anything, the lines are useless and just trite bullshit.

Perfect way to end it. With the beginning that was the first warning sign.

The rhyme scheme here is a huge problem. It's traditional, thus can be hard to do well. You use it and use every single rhyme that is on a Valentines Day card somewhere. Snow - know, away - stray, loved - shoved (doesn't rhyme, I hate that shit so much), one - done, here - fear, lost - cost. Please, be somewhat creative. Honestly.

Overall, this is terrible. Honestly. I'm being blunt so you can hopefully learn from this, because it's not good. In almost every way it's terrible. And where it's not, I'd say it is decent.

Scrap this.

umm thanks for your honesty but this is way old and i dont know why you guys are commenting on this now? this was done april of last year...i dont rhyme anymore and if i do it is occasional, but thanks againa anyway. i know this is shit, i admitt it.

[h0merg0mez]

Haha I just noticed that it randomly got bumped up by that one dude. But yea, I prefer rhyming poems/songs, the rhymes just have to avoid being corny. I don't think "not rhyming" really solves the problem.

[a speedo model]

Oh, my bad. Didn't see it was a bump...