Nameless as of right now

[dezi]

this is the first thing I have ever wrote...I'll take any comments



Tonight this desert will see it's first rain...ending this drought to our feeling.
Beautiful like new hope...like an affirmation made to be kept for eternity
Tonight this mountain will reach it's peak...and from the top they will see
Us shining so bright..we shine so bright.
A new hope...commitment for eternity
Take my sacred word and keep us collected.
for our hearts will not bear any other alternative.
We are what we have and we are what we need.
My soul is limited to this bond.
this bond will not sever.
.
A song not written for the forgotten
Our anthem to the future.
A song to sing jointly.
Let us live as one.
We will shine so bright.
If this love was a seed...our love would grow as tall as these trees.
If this love was a seed. Vines would wrap everyone into this feeling just so the world can know
Everyone will need what they see...
If only this love was a seed.

[dezi]

bump. any comments at all.

[a speedo model]

Ehhhh, this is alright. Several flaws. The flow was awkward and made it hard to read, the imagery needs work. You always started off somehow original and interesting, but the follow-up line would be a solid cliche or a line already done to death, example: Tonight this mountain will reach it's peak - a good line, nothing amazing but it's interesting enough to catch my eye, trouble is the next lines that follow it are just bad and awkward.

Work on it, continue to write. It's never easy, believe me.

I did like this part: If this love was a seed. Vines would wrap everyone into this feeling just so the world can know
Everyone will need what they see...
If only this love was a seed.

But even it needs some work.

[dezi]

Thanks man.

[leezer]

this doesnt necessarily 'need' work, suggestions for improvement are good but they are opinions, for all anyone knows this could be the mos perfect piece of work ever; its not but who knows lol
someones comments said that the imagery could do with work? thats not what art is about, its not maths. i think if something doesnt feel like it should be then it shouldnt.