Sometimes (2)

[ahumananomaly]

JUST A POEM:

Sometimes I think it's going to work out with me and you, but I never told you what I've been going through
While you're talking with others on the bus, I'm thinking " I'm not enough"
It's hard to tell you the truth because it's something I'm not used to
Sometimes I don't think you hear the words I speak, you keep battering me until I'm weak
It's like you don't know me anymore.
You think I can get over the things you've done to me so quick, and it won't sink, but I know you're the one that can't think
While I'm sitting here passing the time, you the one thinking everything's fine
I'm starting to think we should take a break, because I know now that this friendship is fake
My head is like a foggy cloud, I don't know what to do now
I'm trying to think about what we should do, but you probably think there's nothing wrong with you
Sometimes I think things might get better.
I hope at sometime you can realize you were wrong, about the person who knew you all along.


I know it might be like too foolish or something like that. But please tell me what you think...

[ahumananomaly]

No one's going to even say something bad about it? lol... it's been like 20 days and no one cares lol...

[a speedo model]

It's not terrible, but the flow is awkward and makes it very hard to read without losing interest. Also there are lot of lines that are just bland and uninteresting.

Also, it hadn't been 20 days. Not even close.

[black rose]

Yea, it is sort of bland and boring, Josiah is right on that one. My advice to you is scrap the constant rhyming. That's a constant problem with new writers, as I had a problem with it, too. Just let the words flow, and if they rhyme, than so be it. But don't sacrifice good poetry because it doesn't rhyme.

Also, can I ask how old you are?

[ahumananomaly]

Yea, it is sort of bland and boring, Josiah is right on that one. My advice to you is scrap the constant rhyming. That's a constant problem with new writers, as I had a problem with it, too. Just let the words flow, and if they rhyme, than so be it. But don't sacrifice good poetry because it doesn't rhyme.

Also, can I ask how old you are?


Sorry about that, I was kind of thinking the opposite, like people wanted it to ryhme. I haven't written any poetry in a while because I've been busy with field hockey, anyways I am 15. Can I ask why? lol

[ahumananomaly]

It's not terrible, but the flow is awkward and makes it very hard to read without losing interest. Also there are lot of lines that are just bland and uninteresting.

Also, it hadn't been 20 days. Not even close.


sorry I exagerrate a lot of things like I say that was like a bajillion hours ago, when it was only like 4..

[thegraveyard]

yea i agree...the flow is annoying and some lines were boring...and you dont have to put all rhymes in there...sometimes it is better to not rhyme too much...that is one thing i learned here

[black rose]

Sorry about that, I was kind of thinking the opposite, like people wanted it to ryhme. I haven't written any poetry in a while because I've been busy with field hockey, anyways I am 15. Can I ask why? lolWell try it more freestyle-ish. I was just wondering about the age thing. How long have you been writing?

[ahumananomaly]

Well try it more freestyle-ish. I was just wondering about the age thing. How long have you been writing?

Not for long really. This whole thing started over a friendship that wasn't going well, and one day I just wrote something, and it kind of made me feel better so I wrote more. The poem you read was actually from this year. I'll try that though:-)

[black rose]

Not for long really. This whole thing started over a friendship that wasn't going well, and one day I just wrote something, and it kind of made me feel better so I wrote more. The poem you read was actually from this year. I'll try that though:-)Good reason to start writing. Well just don't stop writing, you have potential.

Oh and is that Ryan Ross in your avatar? :-|

[ahumananomaly]

Good reason to start writing. Well just don't stop writing, you have potential.

Oh and is that Ryan Ross in your avatar? :-|

Yep!!! lol I love him! :)...lol sorry. Once everything straightens out (I have summer school and field hockey :( ) then I'm just going to start to write a lot again, hopefully.

[leezer]

what is avatar? enjoyable read, i dont totally know what you mean but thats not a bad thing and the structure actually made me want to read it. one bit of advice, things never get permanantly better with anything.

[ahumananomaly]

what is avatar? enjoyable read, i dont totally know what you mean but thats not a bad thing and the structure actually made me want to read it. one bit of advice, things never get permanantly better with anything.

Thanks. I agree some of my peoms do rhyme a lot, but I want to try and change them to just say what I'm thinking and not put so much confusion into it. Was it enjoyable? lol. My avatar is Ryan Ross from P!ATD.... lol

[black rose]

Yep!!! lol I love him! :)...lol sorry. Once everything straightens out (I have summer school and field hockey :( ) then I'm just going to start to write a lot again, hopefully.Hmmm, bad pick.

[ahumananomaly]

Hmmm, bad pick.


??lol? of ryan?

[black rose]

??lol? of ryan?Yes.

[ahumananomaly]

Oh Sorry..

[black rose]

haha, I don't care. Just wanted to let you know I guess.

[ahumananomaly]

haha, I don't care. Just wanted to let you know I guess.

lol.. I'll probably get another one tomorrow or ina few minutes..lol, I think it's sooo fun changing my avatar, so by now I've had like 25 different ones lol.

[leezer]

it really was enjoyable yeah, the structure confused me but in a good way, its not just a straight path, it winds in and out which i like, and I dont think its polished and usually this subject is covered in a polished off and formulaic sort or way, its good that you didnt go for that

[ArTkY_]

Sometimes she dreams the most perfect dreams
Sometimes she runs into the wrong arms...
Sometimes he leaves one way tickets on his mind
and sometimes he's scared
the truth in which he'll find
oooohhhh oooooooooooooh
ooooh oooooooooooh

[ahumananomaly]

it really was enjoyable yeah, the structure confused me but in a good way, its not just a straight path, it winds in and out which i like, and I dont think its polished and usually this subject is covered in a polished off and formulaic sort or way, its good that you didnt go for that

Thanks :)

[black rose]

Oh, I would go back to Ryan as an avatar. It's a close one, but Ryan Ross > Shaant whatever his last name is.