Untitled as of yet

[lew_1987]

This is the first thing I have done in a while, partly due to writer's block, partly due to being busy. There enters the subject of this piece. I was away in London at the weekend and I wrote this about missing my girlfriend. boohoo, cry cry, just read the god damn piece! thanks guys

The burnt out trailer is the first sign that I’m missing you…
I wish they’d turn this car right around.
I can think of nothing else
But you.

The waves of people are the first sign of how much I hate the big city.
I wish the planes flying overhead would just stop.
I miss you as soon as you’re gone

Under bridges is the only shelter from the rain.
When I’ve eaten this apple to the core,
I’ll throw it out the window…
But the sustenance you provide will never be forgotten;
You fill every empty that I have.
When I go away we forgive all.
Anything just to be home again…
I missed you as soon as you’d gone

You’ve kept me alive these past two months;
I’ve kept you in crap jokes and stupid comebacks.
But I can say for the first time in a long time;
I’m happy,
And when I return,
I’ll say all the things I’ve been meaning to say.

I’m just low enough to see the wheels spin;
It’s the only thing keeping me going.
The approaching light is the sight that takes me home…
I missed you as soon as you’d gone.

[Blue Mouse]

wow! i dont know if your suppose to write a comment but i decided to anyway just to say wow! i thought that was brilliant :-)

that was just so... wow!

[lew_1987]

wow! i dont know if your suppose to write a comment but i decided to anyway just to say wow! i thought that was brilliant :-)

that was just so... wow!

thanks a lot :-)

so another person from warrington? thats kinda wierd.

BUMPety BUMP

[as_we_learn]

This one was pretty good. The flow was a little off, but still good. The only complaint I have is this didnt hold my attention like your other pieces

[CellarGhosts]

I agree with what JR said. definatley good, but it didnt quite hold my attention.
It just seemed a little bit ...I dunno...just not quite as good as some of the other stuff I remember reading by you.

but still, nice job all in all.
I'd say that the last stanza is my favorite part.

[lew_1987]

This one was pretty good. The flow was a little off, but still good. The only complaint I have is this didnt hold my attention like your other pieces

I agree with what JR said. definatley good, but it didnt quite hold my attention.
It just seemed a little bit ...I dunno...just not quite as good as some of the other stuff I remember reading by you.

but still, nice job all in all.
I'd say that the last stanza is my favorite part.

i was thinking of breaking it up a bit more because some of the lines are probably a bit too long to keep your attention, it might just help with the flow aswell.

thanks guys

[CellarGhosts]

Yeah, that might work. some of it felt like a...sort of run-on sentence, if that makes any sense.
So yes, that probably would help the flow.

sure thing Lew.

[as_we_learn]

No prob Lew man. Here to help as usual.