signs of depression

[thegraveyard]

ok heres the first paragraph


he sits in his chair all alone
waiting silently next to his phone
he feels there is nothing to live for anymore
with the blinds shut and he bolt locks the door
his face is still with no expression
the feeling are the signs of his depression

hows that so far?

[thegraveyard]

anyone...??? i tired what u said slade...i dont know how well i did though?

[thegraveyard]

i guess noone thinks anything of it???

[a speedo model]

It's bad. The rhyming is simple, forced and uninteresting. And there's nothing to draw the reader in, it was just simple lines that have been used before countlessly.

But keep writing.

[thegraveyard]

yea that is why i only wrote one verse...so i can work one at a time... thanks though i will fix it up then

[ahumananomaly]

I wouldn't say that it is really simple, because it's provoking to me, but I do agree I think you could write more.

[thegraveyard]

yea i gave up on this one anyways...lol