View Full Version : Hand Against the Wind
I'm new to the site, so I figured, why not try to gain some constructual criticism? This is a song I wrote in December obviously during the winter. Read it with a pop-punk feel. Lemme know what you guys think.
Hand Against the Wind
Summer nights out on your porch,
conversation never felt less forced.
I'll close my eyes, won't take a breath
since holding you, it's the only form of rest I get.
I'd like to think I'd never fall again.
I've been this close before,
but you just leave me at the door, the door,
believing you'd be letting me down,
you said this time you'd stick around.
Winter days that felt like nights.
Staring games were just excuses to look in your eyes.
Christmas trees are up,
white blankets keep us marveled,
but snow couldn't make me a more perfect...
...Angel, I'll be home this time I swear.
We'll drop everything.
Is it ok if we don't care?
I'd like to think I'd never fall again.
I've been this close before,
but you just leave me at the door, the door,
believing you'd be letting me down,
you said this time you'd stick around.
Here in this Midwest heat
the sun-stroke kills you young.
I am just a boy,
be my shade against the sun.
Here in Chicago,
the air is something feirce.
I am a lit match,
so be my hand against the wind.
(Then 2 singers repeat Chorus and 1st verse simultaneously)
Any opinions or suggestions at all? Lol.
This kept my attention. was a pleasure to read and my favorite line was Staring games were just excuses to look in your eyes. heartfelt, genuine, a bit soppy but sung in the right way it would be meaningful. i didnt look at the title of it before i read it so i read it after i read the chorus and i think its a good name but i think its a quality line and might mean more if its not the title, just an opinion. one of the best ive read
Wow, thanks a lot man and thanks for the advice. Yea, the line you liked actually tends to be a lot of peoples favorites, including me, haha. About the title, I actually came up with the title of the song first, which is something I rarely do, but then I incorporated the title into the song. I got the idea for the title from a Self Against City promo pic.
If you missed this one, I'm still up for opinions and suggestions.
thecurerocks182
07/06/07, 04:41 PM
Well, here is my stance on the piece, which is that it is trite and contrived. Your ideas are executed somewhat effectively, however, they are unoriginal and uninspiring. Also, the flow of the overall peice is lacking. I suggest attempting more challenging subjects in order to improve your writing, as these lyrics demonstate a plethoric of platitudes and re-used ideas associated with its genre. With all things considered, please do not be discouraged because with any aspiring writer you will improve if you perserve. However, hard work and dedication is expected if you are to pursue improving your writing. Anyways, I hope this made some sense, as I am quite inebriated at the moment. Take care, and if you have time please take the time to read and/or listen to my new song.
Thanks I'm glad you pointed out those things. I understand there's always room to improve. I'll be sure to check on your work, and comment on it. Maybe soon I'll post a newer song.
If anyones interested in hearing a demo of the song for these lyrics, check it out. http://www.myspace.com/watchthesky1 (http://www.myspace.com/watchthesky1) Lemme know what you guys think.
*Bump
Since I never got any responses, maybe I can get some now, and the less crappy version is up.
ThisIsSuchAPity
04/15/08, 04:09 PM
I really like this, especially the second verse. Each line made me want to keep reading, and I was disappointed when I got to the end.
I also liked the reference to Chicago. It's my favorite city. =D
yournewhaircut
04/15/08, 05:25 PM
As a first comment I'd like to contradict a comment already made. With all due respect I'd like to completely rebuke thecurerock's statements about it being trite and contrived, simply by saying I rebuke them. I think it's a cool piece. I don't think you need to worry about being a good writer, since, (if we look at it in an extreme way) why would anyone want to read work that's written by someone who is just really into writing for the sake of forcing themselves into being a good writer? I don't know. I think good writing comes from practice and excersize, and gauging peoples reactions in many contexts. I think good writing is something a person begins to UNDERSTAND without being able to explain (maybe explaining it is another thing one learns in such a way). This sounds like it could be good lyrics to a good song, as is.
To characterize this piece as plainly trite and contrived ignores a whole lot of other qualities this piece has, such as charm, emotion, ect. I'd say you shouldn't worry about using other ideas from any genre because human ideas take extremely intelligent and dedicated people to properly categorize, and even then it's kind of bullshit. See here I am worrying about this stuff again...
Anyways I hope you keep up this piece until the bitter end!
lovely864md
04/17/08, 09:05 AM
I'm new to the site, so I figured, why not try to gain some constructual criticism? This is a song I wrote in December obviously during the winter. Read it with a pop-punk feel. Lemme know what you guys think.
Hand Against the Wind
Summer nights out on your porch,
conversation never felt less forced.
I'll close my eyes, won't take a breath
since holding you it's the only form of rest I get.
I'd like to think I'd never fall again.
I've been this close before,
but you just leave me at the door, the door,
believing you'd be letting me down,
you said this time you'd stick around.
Winter days that felt like nights.
Staring games were just excuses to look in your eyes. (doesn't flow?)
Christmas trees are up,
white blankets keep us marveled.
But snow couldn't make me a more perfect...
...Angel, I'll be home this time I swear.
We'll drop everything.
Is it ok if we don't care?
I'd like to think I'd never fall again.
I've been this close before,
but you just leave me at the door, the door.
believing you'd be letting me down,
you said this time you'd stick around.
Here in this Midwest heat,
the sun-stroke kills you young.
I am just a boy,
be my shade against the sun.
Here in Chicago,
the air is something feirce. (spelling)
(since you already rhymed once, putting no rhyme in the next two lines really ruins the flow and makes it sound awkward. I don't really love rhyming in the first place but that's the scheme you have chosen and it's somewhat strange.)
I am a lit match,
so be my hand against the wind.
(Then 2 singers repeat Chorus and 1st verse simultaneously)
I corrected punctuation, and bolded parts are parts that either need improvement or you could do without.
Overall the "falling" metaphor is just not one I like, it's very overused and cliche.
The last stanza was the best. The metaphors were much stronger and the phrasing was better. Everything else was just kind of sub-par. I've seen worse but I've seen much better.
I really like this, especially the second verse. Each line made me want to keep reading, and I was disappointed when I got to the end.
I also liked the reference to Chicago. It's my favorite city. =D
Thanks, what didn't you like about the end? Was it because it was a repeat? And Chicago is great, haha.
As a first comment I'd like to contradict a comment already made. With all due respect I'd like to completely rebuke thecurerock's statements about it being trite and contrived, simply by saying I rebuke them. I think it's a cool piece. I don't think you need to worry about being a good writer, since, (if we look at it in an extreme way) why would anyone want to read work that's written by someone who is just really into writing for the sake of forcing themselves into being a good writer? I don't know. I think good writing comes from practice and excersize, and gauging peoples reactions in many contexts. I think good writing is something a person begins to UNDERSTAND without being able to explain (maybe explaining it is another thing one learns in such a way). This sounds like it could be good lyrics to a good song, as is.
To characterize this piece as plainly trite and contrived ignores a whole lot of other qualities this piece has, such as charm, emotion, ect. I'd say you shouldn't worry about using other ideas from any genre because human ideas take extremely intelligent and dedicated people to properly categorize, and even then it's kind of bullshit. See here I am worrying about this stuff again...
Anyways I hope you keep up this piece until the bitter end!
I'm glad you really liked the lyrics. I think that's the best things anyone said so far. Check out the song and let me know if you like it as much.
I corrected punctuation, and bolded parts are parts that either need improvement or you could do without.
Overall the "falling" metaphor is just not one I like, it's very overused and cliche.
The last stanza was the best. The metaphors were much stronger and the phrasing was better. Everything else was just kind of sub-par. I've seen worse but I've seen much better.
Thanks a lot for your opinions guys, it really means a lot. Even though the lyrics have already been recorded, maybe you guys could checkout the song through the link and let me know what you think about the music and melody.
nosquallnocloud
04/18/08, 06:23 AM
Well man I really enjoyed your lyrics. I totally get the meaning of the song (overused? yea maybe but you use it in your own way which makes it fresh) I am from around your area to so I really like the changing seasons aspect and the whole mood you created with that. Really good piece of writing.
GhostMachine
04/18/08, 06:56 AM
As a first comment I'd like to contradict a comment already made. With all due respect I'd like to completely rebuke thecurerock's statements about it being trite and contrived, simply by saying I rebuke them. I think it's a cool piece. I don't think you need to worry about being a good writer, since, (if we look at it in an extreme way) why would anyone want to read work that's written by someone who is just really into writing for the sake of forcing themselves into being a good writer? I don't know. I think good writing comes from practice and excersize, and gauging peoples reactions in many contexts. I think good writing is something a person begins to UNDERSTAND without being able to explain (maybe explaining it is another thing one learns in such a way). This sounds like it could be good lyrics to a good song, as is.
To characterize this piece as plainly trite and contrived ignores a whole lot of other qualities this piece has, such as charm, emotion, ect. I'd say you shouldn't worry about using other ideas from any genre because human ideas take extremely intelligent and dedicated people to properly categorize, and even then it's kind of bullshit. See here I am worrying about this stuff again...
Anyways I hope you keep up this piece until the bitter end!
You'll always make me laugh. Why continue with this lets all be friends and never judge hypocrisy? Instead of being an ass about someone else's comment and wasting space with a completely pointless post, put your opinion and stop at that. You don't realize that its not always about being a better writer and that the people that post here are asking for opinions on they're work. If everyone thought the way you did, then no one would get anywhere. It'd be a constant struggle of moral ambiguity.
I think I agree with TheCureRocks. The whole flow felt completely off during the entire piece. It didn't have any sort of life to itself and felt like it was held down by a gun, so to speak. And in all honesty, the lines "but snow couldn't make me a more perfect......Angel, I'll be home this time I swear." were rather poorly laid out there. I got what you were trying to say there but it wasn't written very well.
You'll always make me laugh. Why continue with this lets all be friends and never judge hypocrisy? Instead of being an ass about someone else's comment and wasting space with a completely pointless post, put your opinion and stop at that. You don't realize that its not always about being a better writer and that the people that post here are asking for opinions on they're work. If everyone thought the way you did, then no one would get anywhere. It'd be a constant struggle of moral ambiguity.
I think I agree with TheCureRocks. The whole flow felt completely off during the entire piece. It didn't have any sort of life to itself and felt like it was held down by a gun, so to speak. And in all honesty, the lines "but snow couldn't make me a more perfect......Angel, I'll be home this time I swear." were rather poorly laid out there. I got what you were trying to say there but it wasn't written very well.
Hey, thanks for the opinion on the lyrics. We already recorded the song though, it's on the link a couple of posts above. I'd like to know what you think about the music and melody. Thanks again!
Well man I really enjoyed your lyrics. I totally get the meaning of the song (overused? yea maybe but you use it in your own way which makes it fresh) I am from around your area to so I really like the changing seasons aspect and the whole mood you created with that. Really good piece of writing.
How close are you around here? We frequently have shows, and if you're ever interested in checkin one out, let me know, I can get you info. This songs almost 2 years old, but we still play it since it became a fan favorite. We're plannin on recording 3 new songs in 2 weeks.
yournewhaircut
04/18/08, 10:23 PM
I'm listening to the demo right now and it sounds pretty good! Some things I'd like to hear is more expression in the voice (you should try to learn to control quietness and loudness in your voice more. if you listen carefully to a lot of great singers, the way they control volume is often just as present as their melodies), like I dunno it reminds me a lot of early brand new, which is always a pleasure. Ha, I'd really like to hear more harmonies too.
The words go pretty well with it! It hits a nerve somewhere.
I'm listening to the demo right now and it sounds pretty good! Some things I'd like to hear is more expression in the voice (you should try to learn to control quietness and loudness in your voice more. if you listen carefully to a lot of great singers, the way they control volume is often just as present as their melodies), like I dunno it reminds me a lot of early brand new, which is always a pleasure. Ha, I'd really like to hear more harmonies too.
The words go pretty well with it! It hits a nerve somewhere.
I'm glad someone checked it out. My drummer is back-up vox and he's really good on the harmonies. We're recordin new songs May 3rd and this time they'll be done in a studio and not a basement, haha.
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