Untitled (new song)

[quickSXTneon]

Please post and tell me if you like or dislike, and what it is about it. I'm trying to be a better lyric writer so thanks. Mike

It wasn't so long ago
You'd die the day I noticed you
W/all my attention
I was right where you wanted
Vulnerable, stupid, and out of my fucking mind

Chorus
I won't play your games
Stop wasting my time
4 what you did
I just need 2 see you bleed
And I'll be Fine

Deep Breaths over shallow intents
You said a lot more then you ever meant
Convinced I never knew
What I'll never want to know
Keep all your secrets from me

Bridge
I'll dream with my eyes closed so you can't hurt me

[BuriedAlive]

not to sound mean, but dude take fucking outta the song. most cuss words ruin a song. only few people can pull it off.

you use alot of basic cliches that most people used at age 5. you also use alot of tired words. you dont have any really explosive words that lighten or deepen the writing.

[quickSXTneon]

No no not sounding mean! :) I like this postive feedback, sounds good, I'm only posting here to get some help and advice. If I knew I could write I wouldn't be worried about posting here. Anyway, thanks, i'll take what ya said into consideration

mike

[TheFallenScene]

Not to sound mean either.....just erase the entire song and start over man. The only thing worth keeping may be part of the 2nd verse but just forget about it. Try again man...Good Luck.

[quickSXTneon]

Nah nobody is mean unless they're not giving an honest opinion. If it sucks it sucks...i write all the time, eventuallly something will work. I just need a crap load of practice. Plus I've posted a song like a month ago that like 5 people replied to and they really liked. So it's cool. Thanks guys!

Mike