i said i wasnt gonna post again but.....

[BuriedAlive]

i need some help on what i came up with. its not long. its just something i came up with outta the blue..

as my mind begins to blanket me
i turn to you and ask for answers to lifes questions
the destruction of my winding path
the detour so straight but so narrow
is it possible for me to make it through?
deciding my own fate
misguided by my own light
destroyed my own tomorrow
reflected on todays youth
life is so easy to lose and become deprived of
but never granted anything in return
why lie to execute your own demise?

[GREENatarisDAY]

im gonna be honest here, i usually dont like your songs, actually i hated most of em. All sounded too much like thursday, maybe its just some vendetta i have with you that started with something you said but i really do like this song

the detour so straight but so narrow
is it possible for me to make it through?
deciding my own fate
misguided by my own light
destroyed my own tomorrow

those are five lines i always wanted to write, like i have always wanted to bring something out like that

good job man

[BuriedAlive]

hey man, its cool. i mean not everyone can like my songs. i need someone not to like them to fuel me to write. i mean its good to know you liked it, cuz its hard to change someones opinion on how they feel about someone.. but maybe now you can see my other songs in a new light.

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
hey man, its cool. i mean not everyone can like my songs. i need someone not to like them to fuel me to write. i mean its good to know you liked it, cuz its hard to change someones opinion on how they feel about someone.. but maybe now you can see my other songs in a new light.

yea i know what ya mean, not many people like my songs here so the only reason i post here anymore is just to help other people and yea ive pretty much found it impossible to get people to change peoples opinon on my writing so yea

[BuriedAlive]

hey, just cause one person doesnt like your writing does mean anything, as long as you like it then there is no problem. but i mean if you start writing just to try to impress the people on abspunk then you lost all the fun and the understanding of really writing in the first place. just write what you like to write, whether or not its what people wanna hear.

[wewin]

as my mind begins to blanket me
i turn to you and ask for answers to lifes questions
the destruction of my winding path
the detour so straight but so narrow
is it possible for me to make it through?
deciding my own fate
misguided by my own light
destroyed my own tomorrow
reflected on todays youth
life is so easy to lose and become deprived ofThis line doesn't make grammatical sense. "Become deprived of"=lose...so why are you saying it? It's awkward and, not only repetitive, but grammatically incorrect.
but never granted anything in return
why lie to execute your own demise?

--"Life is so easy to use and become deprived of/but never granted anything in return." The tenses don't match up. It sounds awkward...I know I'm not doing a very good job of explaining it, so let me know if you don't understand.

Your song raises some questions that you do not address. Why was your "winding path" destroyed? To what does the last line refer? Overall, the song strikes me as fragmented and incomplete. There aren't any strong points, but the song is weak all over. The lines are either awkward in style or unnecessary in content...try to rephrase what you are saying, both grammatically, stylistically, and in regards to content. I think that with this song you've shown that you are indeed coming into a style of your own, however slowly, and you should keep working at it.

Keep posting. You're cool and you seem to at least respond to people's suggestions.

[BuriedAlive]

ya wewin, i understand what your saying, thanks for not being so harsh, as you know im not good with it. the song isnt complete yet, but i really liked what i have came up with, when i finish i will probably post it so you can tell me how bad it still is.

[BuriedAlive]

and i leave the questions unanswered so people can fill in with their situation... my songs are starting to drift and not being as personal.. they are now kinda for more people being able to connect.