Well that's how it goes when it all explodes edited version

[to kill this]

you take everything you want. you wrap it up in a blanket,
sleep with it in between your arms at night
you breathe in fistfuls of fleece
while i toss and turn in my bed

I'm a little selfish sometimes,
one of the only things that's mine
but you, you've got it all and you get it all,
you somehow get me everytime

you leave everything unsaid
i'm getting caught in your strings
you're spinning a web with all the things
you should have told me and I should have seen
it's sad, we have to sit here drowning
in all of the things we could have been
choking on the things we became instead

I'm a little selfish sometimes,
one of the only things that's mine
but you, you've got it all and you get it all,
you somehow get me everytime

we're falling off the edge of the windowsill
where we wished and wished on stars
hoping for them to spill just a little bit of light
but now it's all black
this hole, it sucks us down and it spits you out
you don't even turn around
to see if i'm with you,
to see if i'm with you

you're a little selfish sometimes
one of the only things that's mine
it's a beautiful stability
it's a comfortable predictability
every single time, every single time
and in the end that's just fine
yeah in the end that's just fine
cause i need something that's mine

[CellarGhosts]

Good to see you took Josiahs advice. sorry I didnt comment on the original version, but I pretty much agreed with everything he told you. I did read it though, and this version is definatley better.

nice job.

[SLADE775]

Doesn't matter.... you're still bad at writing lyrics. Just stop. The word "hopeless" comes to mind everytime I read one of your horrid manifestations.

[to kill this]

Good to see you took Josiahs advice. sorry I didnt comment on the original version, but I pretty much agreed with everything he told you. I did read it though, and this version is definatley better.

nice job.

thanks. I normally don't edit and when i do it's really bad; but i think this wasn't too bad for my first real editing job haha. i wrote it just for slade :)

[thegraveyard]

thanks. I normally don't edit and when i do it's really bad; but i think this wasn't too bad for my first real editing job haha. i wrote it just for slade :)

lmao

i thought this one was way better then the first one. good work

[SLADE775]

If you want the truth, here: your lyrics while trite and typical on nearly every level are 100% flat. What I mean is that your rhyming is nothing more than your standard issue, sub-par example of where most people fail when writing lyrics. When you post something like this, you need to keep in mind that people have no melody to associate with your words, therefore it's even more difficult for your matirial to have a positive effect. On to your content; it's honestly as cheap and bland as lyrics get. Look, everyone and their brother (and sister for that matter) have writen songs about "love" "broken hearts" "I miss you...." bla bla bla bla blaaaaaa.... for fucks sake, try something new. A topic that isn't some whirly fantasy you thought up about some boy in 2nd period. Take a look at real topics, maybe even abstract topics. You can even use movies and books as the backbone for ideas. Phrases like "I'm falling ___" and "I'm spinning a web" are very proto-typical and passe. Give yourself the opportunity to write something that resonates instead of tawdry, annoying, stale songs about the cheapest topic out there.

[a speedo model]

I agree with Slade actually. While his going about criticism can be at times intentionally contentious, he isn't wrong. The subject matter is trite and has been done endlessly, and it makes it an uninteresting read. It's not that it's terrible, it's that it's nothing new.

Although, I do think that subjects such as this can be done well. Once the writer is comfortable with other topics I believe they can return to such as these and do them justice. But at your current place as a writer I'd suggest you do try and branch out to different topics. I've said it before, writing about love is almost impossible for a good writer to do so someone who is still finding themselves is going to have alot more trouble with it.

[thecurerocks182]

I agree with Slade actually. While his going about criticism can be at times intentionally contentious, he isn't wrong. The subject matter is trite and has been done endlessly, and it makes it an uninteresting read. It's not that it's terrible, it's that it's nothing new.

Although, I do think that subjects such as this can be done well. Once the writer is comfortable with other topics I believe they can return to such as these and do them justice. But at your current place as a writer I'd suggest you do try and branch out to different topics. I've said it before, writing about love is almost impossible for a good writer to do so someone who is still finding themselves is going to have alot more trouble with it.
I agree. The only thing I can add to these comments is not be discouraged by them because, however blunt they may be, they are essentially here to help you improve on your writing abilities. Anyways, best of luck, and if you have a chance please check out my thread.

[a speedo model]

I agree. The only thing I can add to these comments is not be discouraged by them because, however blunt they may be, they are essentially here to help you improve on your writing abilities. Anyways, best of luck, and if you have a chance please check out my thread.
1) I agree and am sorry I didn't mention that. Yes, don't be discouraged. It takes time and you shouldn't give up.

2) Nice to see you around man. I know we had a disagreement or two but I always liked you. haha

[CellarGhosts]

I'm actually going to say, Sarah, that Slade has a point there. although I don't really see anything wrong with people writing "love/broken heart/I miss you" songs, but so long as they're done right, and actually...I dunno...meaningful? like, if someone just sits there and writes a song about someone they've kind of got a crush on, I mean, come on...that's just sort of a waste.
But if you're writing about someone who you actually, trul do care about/love, or whatever, I see no problem with it.

But do try to branch out a little bit, in terms of what you write about. I also agree with Slade's assertion that you can use movies/books as backbones for song ideas.
Hell, the entire Greatest Story Ever Told album by the Lawrence Arms (if you havent heard them, change that haha) is inspired by "the Master and Margarita" by Mikhail Bulgakov.
There are songs on their about heartbreak/love, yes, but there's also just general life stuff on there too. You can write about your life without having to nessecarily write about love.

Hopefully that makes sense, and helps.