a new song for all the people still here....

[BuriedAlive]

im not sure if it all flows together but i just wrote it and im looking for some help..

this redemption has lost its flavor
beauty shaped this unruling outcome
my head like a mental prisom
you say your sorry, so why,
why did you continue to mislead me?
im drowning so take your hand off my head
this sad taste of water, overwhelmed me
my head so filled, emotions running rampant
im softer than your thrift store sweater
untold about how to help this
i continue to lead this endless lie
dwelling over the fact you left me
no redemption left for me
only the heartbroken soul
my love still left unfelt
someone help me
guide me the right way
away from this forsaken life
im tired of drowning
please lend this helping hand
i know with you there
i can once be happy again

[TheFallenScene]

Like I was explaining to you man..Most of your songs just seem like poems but they are great. Keep it up..don't change the style.

[Alex Djaferis]

^^ what he said.

[BuriedAlive]

thanks guys, atleast i know someone likes it.

[BuriedAlive]

either ap is dead or my song sucks.... i would like some feedback

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
either ap is dead or my song sucks.... i would like some feedback ap is dead. your song is good.

[quickSXTneon]

I told you this online, but I'll say it again, I think you need choruses. A little more structure to the thing would be nice. Choruses can do a lot for songs. It's like the exclamation point of the song, and it can make it mermorable. People always remeber a chorus.

Mike

[BuriedAlive]

i will tell you this, i dont need a chorus, because then my songs will be unique and they will remember only their most favorable lines. not some shitty chorus where you threw together your worst lines.

[BuriedAlive]

plus chourses are only remembered because they are repeated so damn often.

[tbs152]

you gotta have a chorus ... its hard to explain, i mean otherwise the song just has no structure and no matter how great your verses are(which yours is pretty impressive) you still need a way to create some sorta rise and fall in the song, besides a chorus helps to tie everything together, also a chorus is not nessacary some shitty lines thrown together a good chorus is harder to write then a good verse

[Rufio217]

Originally posted by tbs152
you gotta have a chorus ... its hard to explain, i mean otherwise the song just has no structure and no matter how great your verses are(which yours is pretty impressive) you still need a way to create some sorta rise and fall in the song, besides a chorus helps to tie everything together, also a chorus is not nessacary some shitty lines thrown together a good chorus is harder to write then a good verse


1 - your wrong...you don't HAVE to have a chorus.

2 - still wrong...a chorus doesn't make structure throughout the song, that would be what we call a melody, b/c a good melody can form a structure to teh song that is not present in the lyrics themself

3 - this just in...9 in 10 doctors say that "your wrong again" - a chorus doesn't hold a song together some of the greatest songs I've ever heard don't have a chorus...you DON'T NEED a chorus to form rise and fall, a talented rwiter can do that without a chorus

Now here is where i agree that a chorus is not NECESSARILY**, a little grammar lesson for ya there, a bunch of bad lines, but most the time the chorus is the "catchy" part of the song that gets known and then branded to that band sending them into a downward spiral of lyrical and musical talent permanent so if he says NO to choruses, then I say yes to him...go ahead be different than SOME people.

[BuriedAlive]

i thank you rufio for agreeing with me and tbs for i guess liking the song.

im not sure if the part about a talented writer can make the rise and fall without a chorus was directed toward me but if it was then i thank you.

also thursday (one of my favorite bands) dont always have choruses, in war all the time they dont have a chorus but they do have 3 lines that is a lead in to the verses.

[tbs152]

hey rufio where are any of your songs it seems that all you do is critize other ppls songs and grammar why are you so high and mighty? and yea burried alive i liked your song and no a chorus isnt nessacary your right rufio but still you cant always get by with out one

[tbs152]

just to wrap this all up im gonna quote my friend on this one..."verses are where you explore emotions, choruses are what you use to tell everyone what youve found" again a chorus is not nessacary always but still, and not to sound shallow or anything but to get signed at least half your songs will need to have some catchy rememberable choruses just ask anyone record label executive

[Rufio217]

Originally posted by tbs152
hey rufio where are any of your songs it seems that all you do is critize other ppls songs and grammar why are you so high and mighty? and yea burried alive i liked your song and no a chorus isnt nessacary your right rufio but still you cant always get by with out one




Check the backlog of the forum posts, i probably have 15 songs posted up and around....you just need to look JR

[BuriedAlive]

yes rufio has posted some songs, and they are pretty good. i remember we used to sorta compete.

[Rufio217]

tbs152, so yes see...even I too have gone through the criticism of my songs, and yes i too would get defensive about that criticism, but am i acting all high and mighty?...i think not...

[BuriedAlive]

plus im not making music to get signed. im making music and writing lyrics for the people, i feel i need to give back to the people who helped me throughout all the bullshit in my life, and by writing some song that consist so much emotion and you are able to connect and maybe help your day out, is more pleasure than any amount of money can bring to me.

[Rufio217]

...but hey if you can get payed for doing it...lol

[BuriedAlive]

ya i wouldnt mind making money doing something i love to do.

[BuriedAlive]

any other comments on this writing?

[BuriedAlive]

wow another one of my many shitty songs..

[popdisaster530]

"my head so filled, emotions running rampant
im softer than your thrift store sweater"

This is the only part i dont "like" as much as the rest. Maye you could think of another way to descirbe the sweater, or you could just compare the "softness"(another thing i dont understand) to something else.and i'd use a different word than rampant...dont know what, but i would. But your the good writer here(seriously!) but those are some things that i would do...


"im tired of drowning
please lend this helping hand
i know with you there
i can once be happy once again"

I think you said you didnt like repeating things over and again, but if you were going to have a chorus or something to echo as you were fading out, this would be a great line for it. Keep on writing so i can keep on reading! later

[BuriedAlive]

"im softer than your thrift store sweater".. this means that im not as strong as i look.

but thanks for the comments... im glad that you love reading my songs.