Grab Bag

[to kill this]

I'm collecting bits and bits of you.
Cause the more it's on paper,
and it's in my house,
in my room, in my life,
in my day to day;
the more of a mark you've left.
the realer it gets,
the harder it is
to really face it
that you're gone
that you're gone
that you left your cell phone
still hooked up to the charger
and you had unopened mail
and unopened cigarette boxes in your car.
it's like you never really left at all
and it freaks me out, yeah it freaks me out
holding my breath, waiting for you
to be on the side of the highway, behind the bushes
in the bathroom when i brush my teeth
handing me the paper in the morning
yelling at me when i trip my brother
just like old times, just like old times
well now those old times, they're all that's left
so i just stick my head under the water
until i'm nothing but blue
until i'm just like you.

[leezer]

I get what you're saying with this one and the lack of structure fits the topic. I'm not going to say you could have done better because this seems to be a 'Passion Piece' but a few of your lines could have been sharper. It's hard thought with certain things to write good lines because you want the emotion to come through just from you being honest but the main thing to remember is the more memorable your words become then the stronger your message. Pretty decent stuff, the last 2 lines slayed me, I really liked them, very subtle and subtlety is everything to a critic. If there was anything I would say you could improve on in this one it would be instead of stating a fact, make it more interesting in some way, possibly by making it confusing? If you look at your own writing and break it down you will find new depths in yourself and where it might have taken you a paragraph previously to explain something or get a point across, it could take one line, but that line could mean more. If anything I'm sayin doesn't make sense of you want me to elaborate I'd be more than happy but keep writing; it's a good read, but I would say not your best stuff that i've read.

[l3m]

i think it's good. i like the last few lines best.

[to kill this]

I get what you're saying with this one and the lack of structure fits the topic. I'm not going to say you could have done better because this seems to be a 'Passion Piece' but a few of your lines could have been sharper. It's hard thought with certain things to write good lines because you want the emotion to come through just from you being honest but the main thing to remember is the more memorable your words become then the stronger your message. Pretty decent stuff, the last 2 lines slayed me, I really liked them, very subtle and subtlety is everything to a critic. If there was anything I would say you could improve on in this one it would be instead of stating a fact, make it more interesting in some way, possibly by making it confusing? If you look at your own writing and break it down you will find new depths in yourself and where it might have taken you a paragraph previously to explain something or get a point across, it could take one line, but that line could mean more. If anything I'm sayin doesn't make sense of you want me to elaborate I'd be more than happy but keep writing; it's a good read, but I would say not your best stuff that i've read.

yeah, i don't normally write this way so it was different for me. I'm not using it as an excuse though. I kept changing lines in it and rerranging things and I'm still not completely done with it. I wanted it to be really raw, cause that's how i was feeling atthe time. I understand exactly what you mean. I just wasn't really going for that. But, maybe if I look back at it, I can change some things. I know what you mean. I just have to get back to the place I was at when i wrote it and go further with it. But dude, thanks for the opinion...always appreciated:)

[to kill this]

i think it's good. i like the last few lines best.
thanks. :)