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TheBaroness
08/05/07, 11:12 PM
I wrote a book when I was 17. It was shit. Since then I've been trying to re-write it and somehow make it good, which is a constant struggle. I'd very much appreciate some feedback on the random bits I post here. Anywho, here's the opening chapter/prologue thingo. Thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated. Cheers.

----

I’m fixated, impotent, by the spinning incandescent beams of red and blue flickering meekly off the wet pavement at my feet. Above me, they radiate from the roof of the ambulance, up into the blankness of the afternoon sky.

The gurney shakes violently as the paramedics guide it down several small steps which lead to where we are standing. There are tears, howls of anguish, some fall to their knees, hug one another. I stand with my arms limply at my sides. I am foreign. It seems I can no longer deny this truth.

It has been nearly twelve months since I first arrived in Helsinki. Twelve months since I first set my gaze upon the vacant expanses of the Finnish coastline as a prisoner finally loosed from the confinement of her cell, the violent-white of the shoreline stinging my eyes as the black sea melted towards the horizon like an endless oil slick. A young, lost Englishwoman. Searching for something which cannot be named.

I focus my eyes on the figure zipped into thick black vinyl as the gurney is lifted into the awaiting transport. For a moment all seems quiet and peaceful, the kind of silence you long for in a hectic city. The cars, the sirens, the wailing of the wind is mute, the air thick. I lift my fingertips to my cheek, it is dry and cool. I am lying to myself.

a speedo model
08/06/07, 09:06 AM
Wow, I really liked this alot. Reminded me of a book I read a while back. Very nice. I'm curious to see the rest.

CellarGhosts
08/06/07, 04:18 PM
this is really cool, not usually the type of thing I read, so far as books go, but this is still very good.
I am interested in seeing more though.

lew_1987
08/06/07, 05:21 PM
this was pretty awesome. the imagery was great, i don't think it needs improving.

TheBaroness
08/06/07, 06:49 PM
Thanks for the comments. I've re-written the beginning of this fucking thing about 300 times to try and get it right, it's driven me mad for many years. Anyway, I'm actually progressing on this for the first time in months so I'll try and post some more soon. Thanks again.

leezer
08/07/07, 02:25 AM
I thought your language was really good but maybe you should ease into some sort of plain speaking in between just so that the contrast shows how vivid your imagery is.

Rock
08/07/07, 06:39 AM
I think the writing is very good, and what you have posted so far has captured my interest. Kind of makes me want to finish my short story.

TheBaroness
08/11/07, 07:32 PM
Bump

OveriseFan
08/11/07, 07:38 PM
I thought your language was really good but maybe you should ease into some sort of plain speaking in between just so that the contrast shows how vivid your imagery is.

It's a three-paragraph intro, dude.

Not exactly a convential start to a book (i.e. It's in the first person but you don't get an internal monologue to open the book.) You get shoved straight into a scene, which is nice.

It's not bad. I mean, I'd never judge a book by these three paragraphs, but publishers will be interested when they read the first and last chapter.

xazurax
08/12/07, 10:57 PM
i agree with leezer. your writing is obviously very good, but maybe ease up the language a little bit so us people not so sophisticated in the language department can understand as well =Pbut anyhow. it's got my attention, i wouldnt mind reading more.also, nice to know there's other aussies on here :]

OveriseFan
08/13/07, 10:32 AM
i agree with leezer. your writing is obviously very good, but maybe ease up the language a little bit so us people not so sophisticated in the language department can understand as well =Pbut anyhow. it's got my attention, i wouldnt mind reading more.also, nice to know there's other aussies on here :]

I know I don't write for stupid people to read my books (otherwise I'd write Gossip Girls or some shit...) so I assume he doesn't either.

Get a dictionary out while you're reading if you're having trouble, it will be extremely helpful to you in the long run. This wasn't a hard passage to follow...