Your thoughts on a story I'm writing

[ForlrnPerplxity]

I'm not going to give the specific details of the story I'm beginning to write, but I just want general opinions on an excerpt that contains the first two paragraphs of my novel. I just want to know by reading it if you have a certain desire to continue reading or know more about the story. Keep in mind that I wrote this without editing/revising it at all. Thanks in advance.



----He awoke with a crashing sound outside of his room. He wasn’t sure the distance of the sound due to the overriding headache in which he awoke. It took him a second to register the crash, but it quickly began to sink in that he realized they were here for him, or rather for it. He swung his legs out of bed, knocking his knee against the desk near his bed in the process, and scrambled to get the key out of the bottom drawer. He grabbed the pocketknife he needed and went to work on cutting out the small piece of wood that lay tomb to the key. Fumbling twice as he failed to get the grip on the miniature key that was lightly glued to the side of the wall, he allowed himself to relax for just a second to try and get an ounce of himself together. He took a fast breath and finally got his fingernail behind the key to pry it loose.
He heard loud voices in the background making their way closer to his room. Those voices didn’t matter now. He knew that as he jumped out of his bedroom window two stories to the grass below. It would be minutes before they were on his trail, and it would be over an hour before they would find him. It wouldn’t be long after that when they would place a gun to his head and pull the trigger ending an innocent man’s life as they held in their hand a key that would lead them nowhere. The key they wanted was safely hidden away under an oak tree where a man asked his lover to marry him.


Reincarnation----

[cris545]

Not bad, but not great either. I think the narration could be more fluid and more captivating. There's something I'd fix at the end. You almost completely shut out the possibility of that key to lead to somewhere, and at the same time you said something happened at the same oak tree, if the key isn't the important thing, but the oak tree is, then why mention the key? Maybe you know the answer to that so I'll let it be. I just think the two concepts are clashing.

And in the second sentence, it should be ''he wasn't sure of the sound's distance'', I would avoid those two ''of''s that sound awkward.

And to answer your question, if your purpose is to make people want to keep reading, I think you should try to let it happen with the narration of what's happening (the crash and the running away) instead of implementing a fairy tale-like key. I think you flew way too quickly and didn't pay attention to your character's desperation.

In shorter words, it needs work, but it could lead to something good.

[ForlrnPerplxity]

Yeah, in terms of its fluidity, I wrote that in about 15 minutes without editing or revising, so I'll definitely go back through that once I get more into the story.

I also kept the details vague and the introduction somewhat short because the reader is going to find out a lot more as the story continues, especially about the main character's life before his "death".

In terms of the key, it actually leads to somewhere. I may need to reword some of the paragraph to make it less vague on this aspect, but the main character actually burried the key under the oak tree. When the people who were following him actually catch him, he has a fake key that they steal. They end up shooting him before they find out it's a fake, so they can't question him to try to find the real key's whereabouts.

Thanks for the response.

[EasySkankin]

Well, the story thus far is way obscure and vague to make any critical comment on, so I'll wait until you add more.

However, you're writing style is very very flawed. It's as if you're writing a report, not a piece of literature. You have to make the sentences sound beautiful, and suggest more than it does on the surface. All you really describe is exactly what is happening. "He did this" "he heard that". It's very bare and plain. You need to spice it up a bit in order for it to become a real piece of literature.

I can't guide you much more than that because you haven't even really set up a mood yet. Once you've decided what KIND of story you're going to write, it'll be easier.