August's Death And Fall

[tbs152]

Your standing right next to me
But yet I miss you, how can this be
Summer has past, this couldnt last
I knew it to be too good to be tru
Break out the winter coats
And stow the fishing boats

And Im so lost in this maze
Love lost and left in unrecoverable haze
God, how this lacks tact
All I want is you back

The river wind is crisp and chilling
This pain in my chest is killing
I can see my breath in the air
But not you, your off with out a care
I hear it,is it your voice(i miss that sound)
No, its only twigs and leaves
Crakling under my feet (i hate that sound)

Do you remember me
Did this mean anything(time spend with me)

So Im hiding all of this
Wishing for nothing more then a kiss
But your gone to football games
And writing genetics essays
Im in love for this im a fool
And baby I know, baby I know(i know)

And Im so lost in this maze
Love lost and left in unrecoverable haze
God, how this lacks tact
All I want is you back

Do you remember me
Did this mean anything(time spend with me)

Living life in a dreamless lack of sleep
Insomnia makes sure these memories I'll keep
I wonder why you dont feel the love I do
Guess I was just a summer catch to you
Just remember the nights we shared
A feeling so simple then we shared

Just give me one star filled night
(your standing right next to me)
One last chance to let dreams take flight
(But I miss you, how can this be)
But did this mean anything(or would it ever)


let me have it, i wanna hear what you all have to say

[Rufio217]

Break out the winter coats
And stow the fishing boats

^---- has nothing to do with the first couple lines, the first lines are about missing someone next to you then you bring it around to "autumns dead winters coming, rab your coats store the boats"

But not you, your off with out a care
I hear it,is it your voice(i miss that sound)
No, its only twigs and leaves
Crakling under my feet (i hate that sound)

^----how does her voice compare to breaking twigs and crackled leaves, are you trying to stress that you were so distraught by her leaving that even something so simple as that reminded you of her? you need a connection...something must have happened that would make you think of her when you heard the crackling, but you didn't describe that.

Guess I was just a summer catch to you

^---- what happened to autumn? you go from being a summer catch to being lonely in winter, the stories incomplete we miss all the heartbreak in the autumn...if anything you should starting to feel better by winter after the hard autumn month.


And as for the AB rhyming scheme, oh man, it is just so forced, it's ok to do it if it flows, but it DOESN'T...it's so obvious you were thinking of rhyming when you wote it, someone should be able to read your song and not see that you had to think of words to rhyme.

In order for the song to become a good song, for at least me, you would have to make it seem more....natural, i guess. Plus i can't seem to find a good pattern or beat in which to sing this to, though i am sure you probably have one in your head. And if i heard it, then maybe it would seem better. Forenow i would recomend revising your song, making it complete, making it flow, and making it make sense.

Some of the greatest songs are teh simplest ones with maybe rhyming and a straight message, while others have killer lines brought together with melody and a hidden agenda within them. You just need to experiment and find which you are better at.

[tbs152]

uh thanks for the ideas i didnt think it sounds that forced but i'll go over it again in the mean time check out my other stuff up and lets see what you got