A Lonely Soul

[Stardust Cross]

A discovery revealed
The virgin in silence
A truth used as a shield
Controlling her bare violence

A beauty as a rose
Stripped of her pride
The path that she chose
Was taken all in stride

Devil dressed in the purest white
Lucifer mocks those unfaithful
Again redeeming the beings of the night
Come once; it's fateful

A lonely soul
The blood - wanting is pain
We'll take you below
Lust is a deadly game

Again with the killing
It's all coming down
They're coming and reeling
"Put on a frown"

Caught in a desert deep and dry
There's not enough water to keep me alive

The curtain is falling
But I am still around
Our fight is over
But I am still around

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OPLZ.
This song was one of AGES long past.
...Ages as in months.
...Months as in "I don't really know how many exactly, let's not push the subject so she won't implode her brains out."
:/
Yeah, that long.

But anyways, this is something I wrote long ago.
I said don't push it.
>>;;

I'm guite pleased with how this turned out.
I love the first three verses.
Hehe~

Comments, suggestions, etc?

As always,
Victoria

[as_we_learn]

I liked some of the imagery on this one. The rhyming was very simplistic though and I didnt realliy like the flow too much. Still I enjoyed the imagery so just keep working on the flow and I thin it could be better Viki.

[EasySkankin]

Few things i'd like to point out

A discovery revealed

Discovery and Reveal mean essentially the same thing. You're putting the two words together, which just make it sound weird. Like the football jocks who say "gay ***" or "stupid idiot". It's redundant, and clutters the space. I would suggest Either sticking with discovery or revelation. I also liked the first paragraph very much with the exception of this.


Devil dressed in the purest white
Lucifer mocks those unfaithful

I'm assuming the two names in bold represent the same character, so using a proper noun twice, although they are different words, just sounds strange. You should instead use a pronoun, like "he" or "it" or describe him as something different altogether. Again, a bit redundant and clunks the flow.

One other complaint, which is the rhyme. It was very plain and simple, and didn't really complement the content as much as you could've. If you're going to rhyme, you should match it as best you can with the mood and theme of the poem. This poem seems like it should go a little slower, so it's better to distance the rhymes a bit.

Other than that, it's another nice poem. Like awl said, the imagery is very well executed, I like the theme, some lines are pretty original, but it could've been better. Good luck

[Stardust Cross]

Wow, that was very helpful!
Thanks you so much!
I'll keep in mind those things when writing more new poems.
Again, to the both of you, your opinions are much appreciated.

:D