The Priest in Both of Us

[lew_1987]

This is something I've just written for my solo stuff.

Whenever it hits you -
It hits me twice as hard.
I fall to that place that I never want to go.

Don’t touch me; don’t come near me at all.

With curtains drawn I’ll find a way to make it to the bed.
Delay it just a little longer.
Too much.
Not soon enough.

Find some way to make a connection
Through my failing cognition.
If only you knew,
You’d see the obvious irony…
It’s easier to be alone.

The more I move toward you
The further we get from each other.
Let down…
Not soon enough to stop me.

I don’t need these pathetic hands
I won’t covet this useless component.
I don’t need this pathetic dependence
I won’t covet my useless body.

Leave me at the door where I wait for your return
I wish that I could be the Priest in both of us.

[leezer]

Well at the end "i wish i could be the priest in both of us" it seems to me that you've gotten to a place and just arrived, there was no journey to that point. That being said Its good to have a line that stands out and to ridicule it would be to ridicule many pieces in songs that I like. And I really like those last 2 lines. It doesn't seem like you have veered too much off in this one, I tend to do that and people just aren't willing to follow sometimes, so its good that you didn't.
The more I move toward you
The further we get from each other..... I like how you put that, not too obvious but not obscure either.
I don’t need these pathetic hands
I won’t covet this useless component.
I don’t need this pathetic dependence
I won’t covet my useless body.
...I think that whole section is a mediocre part in an otherwise good piece. Its hard when someone tells you what to do with a piece because after all its your baby but I see this one as a gentle piece. I dont like the dont come near me at all but the alternative is dont come near me and i dont know if that suits either although i sense that line is of importance to you.

[lew_1987]

maybe it feels like its not really going anywhere because i wrote the first four lines a long time before the rest. its all about the same subject though. its funny how the last two lines are the lines that i thought about the least, i just added them because i didn't like the ending the way it was. i agree i needs a little more work but i wanted to get some more work up. thanks for reading

[EasySkankin]

It's ok.

One thing that bothered me a bit were the "..."'s. I didn't really get why they were there.

Your structure is very good. I like the 2nd last paragraph the most, but what's really wrong with this piece is how it's the same concept sort of dragged each line. After a certain point, you already know what it's really about, and then the rest is basically the same stuff being said, just in a different way.

I would've liked something with a little more action, just something more in general. If maybe you tied this concept to something much larger, condense this and use it as a section of a larger poem, it would be good. It seems like all you really did was be with this person, whether you even left or not is obscure, but that's about it.

So I'd suggest just taking more time with your poems to make them more complex

[lew_1987]

It's ok.

One thing that bothered me a bit were the "..."'s. I didn't really get why they were there. (1)

Your structure is very good. I like the 2nd last paragraph the most, but what's really wrong with this piece is how it's the same concept sort of dragged each line. After a certain point, you already know what it's really about, and then the rest is basically the same stuff being said, just in a different way. (2)

I would've liked something with a little more action, just something more in general. If maybe you tied this concept to something much larger, condense this and use it as a section of a larger poem, it would be good.(3) It seems like all you really did was be with this person, whether you even left or not is obscure, but that's about it. (4)

So I'd suggest just taking more time with your poems to make them more complex

1. I've just realised that one of those is unnecessary, so i've removed it. they are just breaks in the flow. the second one (let down...) is there for me to try and convey that i cannot fully express my feelings, so its there as a sign of despair, if that makes sense.

2. i don't mean to sound patronising, but its probably not about what you think it is. if you knew that, then maybe it would seem clearer that the only song is not just a repetition of one sentiment. the song is a collection of sentiments and related subjects under one theme. maybe it needs some adjustment to try and separate the sentiments a bit more.

3. i don't want to make this a smaller section in a large poem. i agree that it maybe needs something more, however i think this could be achieved by the addition/subtraction of lines.

4. this is NOT about splitting up with someone, at all. it is about relationships indirectly, however. i wanted it to be a slightly obscure piece, but i still wanted to convey the overall subject matter. this is a sign that i need to make it clearer what this piece is about... however as i have mentioned in previous threads i prefer my lyrics to leave a little to the readers imagination, and to leave room for interpretation. i'm still on the fence on that one haha

anyway thanks for reading, its nice to get a more in depth critique.

[lew_1987]

It seems like all you really did was be with this person, whether you even left or not is obscure, but that's about it.

i'd just like to add that i wanted to leave this open to the reader, so that i can get across that the antagonist (myself) is still in that position himself, and so the reader should also feel this.