it's too hard to digest all of this at once

[cris545]

There’s uncontrollable laughter in the neighboring room, it’s the sound of pure, momentary joy. In any second the present situation will make its way back into their heads, and they will collapse on the couch, silent, and they’ll wonder what’s for dinner, because dinner is the only thing that ever changes.
There’s a lack of proper healing, the kind that is evidenced in the simple utterance of a couple of words: I’m fine. It’s an internal controversy that arrives as soon as soon as swing sets align with the dirt and feet touch the ground. If only I could stay in the air forever, where blank stares or vivid eyes don’t make a difference because I’m moving too fast, I’m soaring over skies and I won’t come down. The world blurs with movement, and the wind in my ears is the best song I’ll ever hear.
It’s that moment between closing my eyes and falling asleep that lasts a lifetime, when my eyes desperately try to stay still. If I could stay still, I could hear the sound of rain drops trickling down the windows, but I can’t hear a thing. I’m still moving too fast and the thoughts that I left in the air are rising into my lungs. Breathe.


----






I want all of you to tear this to shreds. I'm currently having trouble with the lengths of what I write, and hopefully this time I didn't fly by the words making everything sound awkward and/or forced. Advice will be appreciated.

and... why doesn't AP like indenting?

[vandalsandquinn]

Pure shit! Never write again!

This is nice actually, I'm not one to be giving advice or improvements but I like what you have here. And AP doesn't like indenting because Jason Tate is magic.

[leezer]

Well this one seemed a bit like you were aiming for quality, didn't feel natural. Saying that could hear these as lyrics and really like them depending on many factors. I felt like you tried hard to be clever in this one but theres a lot of threads in your work that could be needled into wee gems lyrically.

[cris545]

Pure shit! Never write again!

This is nice actually, I'm not one to be giving advice or improvements but I like what you have here. And AP doesn't like indenting because Jason Tate is magic.
That's what I keep telling myself ;-)

Hahaha thanks Brigid.
Well this one seemed a bit like you were aiming for quality, didn't feel natural. Saying that could hear these as lyrics and really like them depending on many factors. I felt like you tried hard to be clever in this one but theres a lot of threads in your work that could be needled into wee gems lyrically.
Hm, this one sounds a lot more natural than other things I've written. I guess I'll have to keep toning myself down. Thanks for the input.

[leezer]

man, see to be honest you dont need to keep toning yourself down, that was just my tiny bit of input but its always good to people going against advice, against the current sort of a thing, If you believe in your words, thats all you need.

[cris545]

man, see to be honest you dont need to keep toning yourself down, that was just my tiny bit of input but its always good to people going against advice, against the current sort of a thing, If you believe in your words, thats all you need.
yeah, I get what you're saying, and I do believe in them, otherwise I wouldn't be writing. It's actually interesting that what I thought came naturally can sound unnatural to some people, and I'm sure it'll vary from person to person.

[a speedo model]

:-) I already told you what I thought. I really love this. The flow of this feels very laid back I think, which I really love.

[cris545]

:-) I already told you what I thought. I really love this. The flow of this feels very laid back I think, which I really love.
:-)

[wyverna]

:-) I already told you what I thought. I really love this. The flow of this feels very laid back I think, which I really love.

josiah is a suck up

/non constructive comment

[a speedo model]

josiah is a suck up

/non constructive comment
:-0 Heeeey! haha

[EasySkankin]

This is really, really great! I mean, I don't really have any critiques for you because it seemed perfectly fine in all aspects to me.

The length doesn't really matter because the flow I got was faster, but that may be because the text was bunched up, so If slower is what you're aiming for, as stupid as it may sound, just organize the text like a poem.

Anyways, this is awesome. I wanna see moar!!!

[cris545]

josiah is a suck up

/non constructive comment
Grace, only constructive comments are allowed. Tsk tsk. ;-)

This is really, really great! I mean, I don't really have any critiques for you because it seemed perfectly fine in all aspects to me.

The length doesn't really matter because the flow I got was faster, but that may be because the text was bunched up, so If slower is what you're aiming for, as stupid as it may sound, just organize the text like a poem.

Anyways, this is awesome. I wanna see moar!!!
Thanks :-)

[CellarGhosts]

I actually liked this. not really something I'd ususally be that "into" but it works.
nice job.

[wyverna]

Grace, only constructive comments are allowed. Tsk tsk. ;-)


Thanks :-)

Mkay. Well, I don't like the way you bolded a sentence. I understand if you want to emphasize it, but just having that one bit bolded looks slightly odd. It would make more sense to me if a number of important sentences were bolded, as opposed to just one. It throws the whole thing off imo.

However, I did like this line in particular; "they’ll wonder what’s for dinner, because dinner is the only thing that ever changes." The rest of it was a bit too heady and over descriptive; I lost interest in it and had to make myself finish reading it. There were only a few bits that stood out, including the ending, however the bits that stood out to me, really stood out. So it was a complete mixture, but I think with a little more work, you'll def. get better.

I hope that wasn't too harsh, Crisface, I love you! And I don't comment people's work anymore, so feel special. Chyeah.

:-0 Heeeey! haha

:x

[de la sympathie]

To be honest, I'm not really sure whether I like this or not. I really liked the first few lines, but when you go to the next paragraph, the flow picks up a lot faster than before, at least for me. Like Grace said, the one bolded line thing bothered me a bit, because it sticks out so much. There were a couple more lines I liked, but... yeah. There may have been too much substance to it? I don't know. Reading back on it again, I don't really think the second "paragraph" fits at all with what you had. It seems kind of out-of-place to me.

It's not that I loathed it or anything! I did like the beginning. I wouldn't mind reading things from you again. Hopefully this helped a little bit.

[cris545]

Mkay. Well, I don't like the way you bolded a sentence. I understand if you want to emphasize it, but just having that one bit bolded looks slightly odd. It would make more sense to me if a number of important sentences were bolded, as opposed to just one. It throws the whole thing off imo.

However, I did like this line in particular; "they’ll wonder what’s for dinner, because dinner is the only thing that ever changes." The rest of it was a bit too heady and over descriptive; I lost interest in it and had to make myself finish reading it. There were only a few bits that stood out, including the ending, however the bits that stood out to me, really stood out. So it was a complete mixture, but I think with a little more work, you'll def. get better.

I hope that wasn't too harsh, Crisface, I love you! And I don't comment people's work anymore, so feel special. Chyeah.



:x
That first part is honestly the only part I didn't want to touch, the rest I felt iffy about, specially near the end of the second parragraph. I'll work on that overdescriptiveness... somehow that's how everything I'm writing turns out lately.

Not too harsh at all, I wanted honest criticism :-) Ty graceface <3


To be honest, I'm not really sure whether I like this or not. I really liked the first few lines, but when you go to the next paragraph, the flow picks up a lot faster than before, at least for me. Like Grace said, the one bolded line thing bothered me a bit, because it sticks out so much. There were a couple more lines I liked, but... yeah. There may have been too much substance to it? I don't know. Reading back on it again, I don't really think the second "paragraph" fits at all with what you had. It seems kind of out-of-place to me.

It's not that I loathed it or anything! I did like the beginning. I wouldn't mind reading things from you again. Hopefully this helped a little bit.
Yeah that's completely understandable. I thought it wouldn't fit at first, but I didn't want to force it to tie in either. I'll see if something good can come out of this if I fix it. Thanks, that was helpful :-)