I thought you would understand

[liz123]

With my ankles swollen
I kiss the ground.
Crawl forward, words spoken, each chosen
I thought you would understand.

A stare reflects back
with emotions left out
and the sound of singing sets my sadness in time
for you to lash out
i thought your hands were mine.

And a choke of silence
brings the breeze bearing bawls
a howl and a tear
im left on all fours

Trickle of red water
falling slow and deadly to the dirt
which burns it like a desert
the air now hotter than it had ever been before.

[CellarGhosts]

yeah...sorry but I wasnt a fan of this.
nothing really felt original about it, and it just seemed pretty forced...or something. idk...anyway, yeah I dont think its too good.

[EasySkankin]

Didn't like the rhyme. It just sounded clumsy.

I don't really understand because you tend to describe the event as opposed to your feelings

And the ending was uber emo

[liz123]

Okay thanks for the critisicm, I just needed to get something out into lyrics as a starting point.

What do you mean by saying I 'tend' to do that?... I whink I get what you meant but I thought 2nd stanza would have explained that.. it's void of any feelings. You said it was emo at the end... it wasn't overly emotional... like you said there are no feelings there.. dramatic maybe... emo? you shouldnt really throw that word around like it's some derrogative term ... not having a go at you, just thought I'd say what I felt, again thanks I'll work on it.

[de la sympathie]

It says that in the second stanza, but that doesn't tie in to the rest of the piece. Contrary to what you said, I think that if you're trying to describe an event, then you may be tying yourself into it too much. Like the people above said, yes, the rhyming was clumsy and the whole piece seemed even forced.

I think the term "emo" was probably cast out due to the last two parts, but there are other lines in there that I could see that being applied to.

Just some advice - if you're looking to not tie your own emotions into the piece, then you can't use descriptions like that with yourself in it. If you're going to tie yourself in, you could describe yourself watching the event, and instead tying in the emotions of the people around you, if there are any, or emotions you could be feeling in that situation, or might have felt, if that makes any sense.

[EasySkankin]

Okay thanks for the critisicm, I just needed to get something out into lyrics as a starting point.

What do you mean by saying I 'tend' to do that?... I whink I get what you meant but I thought 2nd stanza would have explained that.. it's void of any feelings. You said it was emo at the end... it wasn't overly emotional... like you said there are no feelings there.. dramatic maybe... emo? you shouldnt really throw that word around like it's some derrogative term ... not having a go at you, just thought I'd say what I felt, again thanks I'll work on it.

I said emo because it sounded like he cut himself.

And it's derogatory for a reason.

Sure you included a little in the second paragraph, but that was true for the second paragraph, which leave the rest of the poem sounding like a report. And I said tend because you included an emotion or two in the second paragraph, meaning that there wasn't a lack of emotion in the entire poem.