tonight

[alilbravetoaste]

ha, i was debating for a week or so if i wanted to post these.
as you can see, i kinda picked to do so. lemme know what you think.

"tonight"

you always found a way
to put a smile on my face
but your eyes treat me like treason
you can try a thousand ways
the only one thing i would change
is what you've done dear
so apologize all you want
i'm heading straight into the sun
i don't think i'm coming back this time
i'm losing all faith that was in myself
i've resurrected a perfect hell
and baby girl, tonight, it's all for you

so tonight, i said my prayers
i said god give me a sign you're there
my head's slipping under the covers
i said i've failed everything before
god please just let me know what's in store
change my mind, don't let me carry through
this could be the night where i can't breathe
the night where i lose everything
the night i learn acceptance
and this mind's a shallow grave
the outside thoughts just can't be saved
and baby girl, tonight, it's all for you

i wish that i could still see you
the way that i used too
but everytime i close my eyes
i can't help but see (her) another girl

(tonight,
it's all
for you)

[xazurax]

it'd make a good song.
i like the first 3 lines espcially.

[EasySkankin]

This may be the most futile thing i've said on this forum but... way too many poems here are about relationships.

anyways, some of the words you used kind of bugged me. you said "tonight" way too much, and wrote it as if it were a song, which is a compromise. and "baby girl" is something I absolutely hate. I didn't like the whole scattered rhyme feel, but that may be because I didn't notice a scheme.

also it's definitely too long. some lines are good, some lines are bad, and if you would have just kept the good ones it would've been a shorter, much better poem. You repeat yourself, and it just busies it up and forces it to go faster, which isn't pleasing when you're trying to address something semi-serious.

[alilbravetoaste]

haha it's a song, not a poem. maybe i should've put that up there. my bad on that.

but repetition? i'll try and work on that.

thanks guys =]