Folded Fools

[as_we_learn]

Remove the feathers from my consistent sky and weather.
So I can fail the phrases filled with with nothing as clever (as you).
If contradictions knew their authors
would they turn into the drastic form of an individuals rapture?

I won't believe
in the seasons contributions of harvest and beauty.
The warmth and steady growth
is slipping from my grasp into the cement street floors.
Please keep me close, so I know
the balance between the necessity and comfort of control.

Is it too much to ask for you to point your flashlight in my direction?
Allowing me to see where my steps have slowly creeped.
While the photographs catch my attention, such distant and futile times.
Consideration of the price
paid by the judgement caused with such distain
leaves my conscience feeling sick of this lonely craze.

Can I care at this point?
Can I really look forward to a life with a vision so distort?
Don't reply to my pitiful cry with a cracked moon.
Use the tools worn to the nub of a fool
and repair my mindset that has hope written
in a notebook tired of the same immature ignorant words.
This is my time to sleep in a bed with space left over for love.
It's goodnight to all those wishing for clarity in a person
who knows nothing of the care they recieve through their thin sleeves.

[EasySkankin]

Overall, this was really good. I mean excellent. So all i can really pick at are a few little things I don't like. honestly the second paragraph could have stood alone and been an excellent poem.

The first and last lines are a bit congested. saying them in my head was way harder than it should have been. Maybe paraphrasing, and using shorter words would fix that.

this line :
Don't reply to my self relied regretful cry.

I didn't understand at all because of the obvious grammatical errors, but I don't know if that was intended or not.

[as_we_learn]

Overall, this was really good. I mean excellent. So all i can really pick at are a few little things I don't like. honestly the second paragraph could have stood alone and been an excellent poem.

The first and last lines are a bit congested. saying them in my head was way harder than it should have been. Maybe paraphrasing, and using shorter words would fix that.

this line :


I didn't understand at all because of the obvious grammatical errors, but I don't know if that was intended or not.
It wasn't intended, but I changed that line. Thanks for the reply man means a lot. I changed some stuff up, so check it out man and tell me what you think. Thanks again man.

[EasySkankin]

one last thing, I think you meant disdain instead of distain, but again it could work either way so i'm not sure.

The revisions were perfect. even reading it again, it's just what I like from a poem. I think this is something you should keep for a long time.

and thanks for the add :-)

You should write more

[as_we_learn]

one last thing, I think you meant disdain instead of distain, but again it could work either way so i'm not sure.

The revisions were perfect. even reading it again, it's just what I like from a poem. I think this is something you should keep for a long time.

and thanks for the add :-)

You should write more
I meant distain in that part, but it's true it works either way.

I'm glad you like the revisons I made and as for the piece I was thinking of writing music to it with my friend. So I'm gonna try to do that soon.

No prob glad to make the add.

I'm not sure what you mean by that whether you're telling me to write more to this piece or write more and post haha. Just checking and thanks again man.

[CellarGhosts]

excellent job, JR. i really liked this.

[as_we_learn]

excellent job, JR. i really liked this.
Cool thanks Chris, anything you thought needed working on?

[CellarGhosts]

hmmm...
not really, no, actually.

looks all good to me.

[EasySkankin]

Write more separate works and post. i'd enjoy that

[as_we_learn]

hmmm...
not really, no, actually.

looks all good to me.
Cool man thanks again do you have new pieces that I can check out?
Write more separate works and post. i'd enjoy that
Oh I've posted plenty here in this forum. If you want just check my threads for more of my stuff. Thanks again.

[lew_1987]

i did like this, although i thought it was a little too much. theres nothing wrong with the lines themselves, i just think that the lines being so long seems to drag it out for too long and ruins the flow. the second section was probably my favourite bit. what is this piece about, just out of interest?

[as_we_learn]

i did like this, although i thought it was a little too much. theres nothing wrong with the lines themselves, i just think that the lines being so long seems to drag it out for too long and ruins the flow. the second section was probably my favourite bit. what is this piece about, just out of interest?
Thanks a lot Lew, glad you liked it and I'll try to write up some stuff that flows better. The piece itself is about just personal problems and the way they make you think when you're first approaced with them. That pretty much sums it up though, thanks again Lew.

[lew_1987]

Thanks a lot Lew, glad you liked it and I'll try to write up some stuff that flows better. The piece itself is about just personal problems and the way they make you think when you're first approaced with them. That pretty much sums it up though, thanks again Lew.

ok, thanks for the explanation. don't get me wrong, i really like it, but from a song perspective and just reading it the flow is off. i realise you can't go shortening a load of the lines though, because that would take away from the subject matter. nothing wrong with the lines individually though.

[as_we_learn]

ok, thanks for the explanation. don't get me wrong, i really like it, but from a song perspective and just reading it the flow is off. i realise you can't go shortening a load of the lines though, because that would take away from the subject matter. nothing wrong with the lines individually though.
It's cool man and thanks again for reading.

[xsxarexsoxscene]

This is amazing. I loved the first stanza and was like 'well its got to crash because this is too good to keep up with' and you just maintained consistency in the best possible way. I think my favorite line was "Is it too much to ask for you to point your flashlight in my direction?"

But, this line seems kind of off:
While the photographs catch my attention, such distant and futile times.


Obviously its not correct grammar and you have artistic license, but it just seems inconsistent.

Hopefully that helps! But I really, really liked this.

[as_we_learn]

This is amazing. I loved the first stanza and was like 'well its got to crash because this is too good to keep up with' and you just maintained consistency in the best possible way. I think my favorite line was "Is it too much to ask for you to point your flashlight in my direction?"

But, this line seems kind of off:
While the photographs catch my attention, such distant and futile times.


Obviously its not correct grammar and you have artistic license, but it just seems inconsistent.

Hopefully that helps! But I really, really liked this.
Glad you liked it. You usually do only like the first part of my work then feel the rest isn't very good, so it was nice you liked it as a whole. And yes it is incorrect grammar, but I left it that way anyway. Thanks again Alyssa.