Oceans Apart

[CellarGhosts]

Oceans Apart

Nothing left in my arsenal of metaphors,
I can't describe this in terms more complicated than this:
I miss your city night in Christmas eyes,
Your presence in my life was like a kiss,
To a wound, but too sudden, too soon, it seems gone.
So I map my way through another song.

[chorus]
Oceans apart, we're two bleeding hearts,
But not bleeding for each other; progress too slow to chart.
But this page knows this pen,
It's back here again,
To dedicate what I think in permanent ink,
To a girl I always loved as more than a friend.

I spill with the slanting rain against windowsils.
Thoughts stored away for so long they have trouble leaking,
Onto this page, or off of my tongue,
I am a floorboard beneath your elegant feet, and I am creaking.
Loud sound late at night, in a sea of red lights. I'm aware.

[chorus]
Sometimes oceans apart, we're two youthful hearts,
But not bleeding for each other; progress too slow to chart.
But this page knows this pen,
It's back here again,
To dedicate what I think in permanent ink,
To a girl I always loved as more than a friend.

[bridge]
Slow day, segue into a short week.
Month crawls by, time left to act on this dies.
This year I'll tell you what I think.

[repeat chorus]
[repeat bridge]

[TakingBackDowd]

Overall it's definitely some good stuff. I disliked a few lines such as:
So I map my way through another song.
I am a floorboard beneath your elegant feet, and I am creaking.

I just don't really dig the first one.
And the use of the "elegant" I found too be a little forced.


I really liked the chorus and bridge and such. really good work.

8.9/10

Nice job.

[CellarGhosts]

thank you for your input, man.
I, actually, am a little unsure about those lines myself, so I'll probably edit them later on when I get something better to go in those parts.

but again, thanks.

[as_we_learn]

Well Chris I know for sure you've done way better than this. This just seemed too not up to par with what used to do and can do. Some of these lines I liked and some made me cringe, but thats just because they seemed like someone starting would write them. I liked the idea, but I know you can pull it off way better than this man. I know that you're going through some shit and it's messing you up man and I can't wait until you get passed that, so you can return to writing those works that I loved when I first started up in this forum. Anyway, can;t wait for your next piece Chris, don't disappoint.

[CellarGhosts]

aw man, sorry this didnt do it for you, JR. but oh well, cant please em all.
I agree, some lines in here I dont like, myself, but some I really do.

so Im going to re-work this sometime and see if I can improve it.
thanks again, though.

[as_we_learn]

No prob Chris. I'd read anytime haha.

[black rose]

I'll read this later Chris and really comment it, but before James gets in and chews it to pieces:

James: You are bitter. The end.

[CellarGhosts]

thanks Melissa, I'll look forward to your thoughts on it.

[to kill this]

i really liked the chorus. i think it was one of the strongest parts. i liked a lot of the imagery in the piece. some of the flow was a bit awkward, other than that i thought it was pretty good. nice job :)

[black rose]

I won't lie, Chris, I liked this a lot more than I thought I would. I loved the whole "To dedicate what I think in permanent ink" line. The rhyming is really great. It wasn't your best, but it had some really strong parts. Nice work.

p.s. it doesn't sound like you are whining.

[OveriseFan]

I'll read this later Chris and really comment it, but before James gets in and chews it to pieces:

James: You are bitter. The end.

I won't lie, Chris, I liked this a lot more than I thought I would. I loved the whole "To dedicate what I think in permanent ink" line. The rhyming is really great. It wasn't your best, but it had some really strong parts. Nice work.

p.s. it doesn't sound like you are whining.

Hahahaha.

Oh boy.

I'll just ignore that.

Anyway, this isn't terrible, I guess, albeit the subject matter being really boo-hoo-teenage-years-suck-i'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists-if-you-don't-dump-your-boyfriend-and-date-me-instead-at-which-point-i'll-write-songs-about-how-much-i-hate-you-when-we-break-up.

But seriously...

And I have all my soul to bare.

Are you kidding!?

What the hell is that?

Please, remove that right away.

[CellarGhosts]

Hahahaha.

Oh boy.

I'll just ignore that.

Anyway, this isn't terrible, I guess, albeit the subject matter being really boo-hoo-teenage-years-suck-i'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists-if-you-don't-dump-your-boyfriend-and-date-me-instead-at-which-point-i'll-write-songs-about-how-much-i-hate-you-when-we-break-up.

But seriously...

And I have all my soul to bare.

Are you kidding!?

What the hell is that?

Please, remove that right away.
oh man...

well yeah, I dont know what that boo-hoo-tennage-years-suck thing was all about but eh, I wouldnt really expect anything else from you James (and I dont mean that in a bad way.)
But if that line is really that bad, I guess it should be cut.

I won't lie, Chris, I liked this a lot more than I thought I would. I loved the whole "To dedicate what I think in permanent ink" line. The rhyming is really great. It wasn't your best, but it had some really strong parts. Nice work.

p.s. it doesn't sound like you are whining.
Thank you Melissa. Im glad you thought the rhyme scheme in the chorus was good.
Since I was actually not sure of wheter or not it was that good or not, reading it again today.

i really liked the chorus. i think it was one of the strongest parts. i liked a lot of the imagery in the piece. some of the flow was a bit awkward, other than that i thought it was pretty good. nice job :)
thanks, Sarah. oh, and I'll check out your new piece soon.

[OveriseFan]

oh man...

well yeah, I dont know what that boo-hoo-tennage-years-suck thing was all about but eh, I wouldnt really expect anything else from you James (and I dont mean that in a bad way.)
But if that line is really that bad, I guess it should be cut.

Hah, that whole thing was just to make you feel terrible. :-)

[CellarGhosts]

haha, I knew it.

[black rose]

Hahahaha.

Oh boy.

I'll just ignore that.

Anyway, this isn't terrible, I guess, albeit the subject matter being really boo-hoo-teenage-years-suck-i'm-gonna-slit-my-wrists-if-you-don't-dump-your-boyfriend-and-date-me-instead-at-which-point-i'll-write-songs-about-how-much-i-hate-you-when-we-break-up.

But seriously...

And I have all my soul to bare.

Are you kidding!?

What the hell is that?

Please, remove that right away.:-D