My Deadliest Sin

[to kill this]

If only you could see me like the portraits on your walls
instead of an empty canvas, that floats,
a ghost through silent halls.
What colors would come to mind,
that pause or alter time? trace and copy,
dust and lift, to stick
within a frame, or would I just be a name?
the word for something you treasure
the most here on this earth,
the beautiful click of the tongue,
the dribble out the lips and straight down the chin
never even measures its true worth.

Feet first you dive, so blind.
Oh how far we go to feel alive.
I swear I beat my fists against my ribs
in hopes to shatter what sleeps inside of it.
Now tell me, would you fucking paint this?
sing it? this fit, this bit...don't deny it.
You know you love a scene;
so suck it up, pick up your brush,
and make me, paint me, create me
in shades of envious green

[CellarGhosts]

I think this is overall, pretty cool. better than your last piece, but still not great.
but your are improving a bit, so that's good.

my only real complaint with this is that I see a ton of pieces that use the "canvas/color/paint" thing, but granted, alot of those are my own haha, so I guess its no big deal.

all in all, good job.

[a speedo model]

This started off really well but sort of became boring as it went on. The first 7 or 8 lines are very good. But from there on it just lost effect. The rest isn't bad but is forgetable.

Also, the title is pretty bad. Not that you need to change it but I almost didn't read it, haha. Keep at it though.

[TK]

I enjoyed reading this, good job.

[lew_1987]

i think that maybe you should split it up where "feet first" comes in, just so it doesn't look so overwhelming to get a grasp of. i think the 'fucking' was misplaced, although i can see that that part of the piece has an angry emotion attached to it. just think that it could be put to better use put in somewhere else, as it doesn't have its full effect where you have put it. i didn't like the last 4/5 lines, and as chris said sometimes the whol canvas thing is overused. but never the less i think this is a good piece.

[to kill this]

thanks guys :)