Contained

[CellarGhosts]

Contained

She watches the sun sink behind,
The hills of a place she may never find.
Or never fully realize, until she admits,
There’s no use in calling quits.
And I’m waiting here if she should fall,
If her blue skies should ever pall...

…Though I’m not much more,
Than another two-chord troubadour.
Writing in metaphor, so often.
But I’d trade my finest lines, just to get one right.
Just to possess one that could express,
How much she really meant, this time is so ill spent…

…On waiting for the stars to align,
‘Cause maybe then it’d turn out fine.
But I can’t count on luck anymore.
It’s high time I told her what I never got a chance to say.
I can’t keep it contained another day.

And I am not that much more,
Than a two-chord troubadour,
I’m singing in static; white noise.
But I’d trade my finest lines, just to get this one right,
It’s all I’ve got or ever will have.

[CellarGhosts]

aaanndd James be postin' the hate in

5....

4...

3...

2...

:-D

[OveriseFan]

FUCK YES!

That is awesome. EXACTLY what I meant about true honesty in songwriting.

This is possibly your best, most honest piece you've ever written, and certainly the best about Jessica.

I've got a few editing things I'll point out in a second post, right now. I would actually love to take these lyrics. hah.

[OveriseFan]

Contained

She watches the sun sink behind,
The hills of a place she may never find.
Or never fully realize, until she admits,
There’s no use in calling quits.
And I’m waiting here if she should fall,
If her blue skies should pall... - This line doesn't flow too well. Perhaps add in 'ever' after shall, before pall. Or maybe change the line completely? Pall sounds forced. And you know it is. You don't have to change it, but you might want to consider it.

…Though I’m not much more,
Than another two-chord troubadour.
Writing in metaphor, often. Put a one-syllable modifier in front of 'often' for flow purposes. Perhaps "so"?
But I’d trade my finest lines, just to get one right. I love this.
Just to possess one that could express,
How much she really meant, this time is ill spent… Once again, perhaps a one-syllable modifier (like 'so' again...) before "ill spent"

…On waiting for the stars to align,
‘Cause maybe then it’d turn out fine.
But I can’t count on luck anymore.
It’s high time I told her what I never got a chance to say.
I can’t keep it contained another day.

And I am not that much more,
Than a two-chord troubadour,
I’m singing in static; white noise. This line is border-line redundant, but perhaps that's the intention. Static; white noise, it's the same. They're synonyms. Perhaps, though, the synomousity is meant to be onomatopoeia, and actually sound like static/white noise. Very clever, if that's your intention. If not, take credit anyway.
But I’d trade my finest lines, just to get this one right,
It’s all I’ve got or ever will have.

I really like this. Nice work. It reminds me of Dashboard (a compliment, from me.) It's really catchy, infectious even, and seems like an acoustic-based song. It actually reminds me of Chris's new song "Thick As Thieves", in terms of melody. I like this a lot.

[as_we_learn]

I agree with everything James has said man. The imagery is great and so is the flow. The piece is ace man very very good. I can't wait to see more kick ass pieces like this. Chris great work.
:-D

[a speedo model]

Agreed with James, this is possibly your best. Great flow and imagery. Nothing stuck out to me as needing changing, just a great piece.

[lew_1987]

some of the rhyming seemed a bit forced. eg. Ball and Pall. This was my favourite bit:

…Though I’m not much more,
Than another two-chord troubadour.
Writing in metaphor, often.
But I’d trade my finest lines, just to get one right.
Just to possess one that could express,
How much she really meant, this time is ill spent…

that bit is pretty awesome. i disliked the first verse, and the second verse is a bit better. i think i agree with the editing notes james posted too.

[CellarGhosts]

FUCK YES!

That is awesome. EXACTLY what I meant about true honesty in songwriting.

This is possibly your best, most honest piece you've ever written, and certainly the best about Jessica.

I've got a few editing things I'll point out in a second post, right now. I would actually love to take these lyrics. hah.
hahahaha, wow. I was not at all expecting you to like this one that much haha. I actually wasnt expecting hate, but anyway, its cool you dig this one.

thanks though, I really appreciate it.

I really like this. Nice work. It reminds me of Dashboard (a compliment, from me.) It's really catchy, infectious even, and seems like an acoustic-based song. It actually reminds me of Chris's new song "Thick As Thieves", in terms of melody. I like this a lot.
thanks. being compared to Dashboard Confessional isn't a huge compliment, to me anyway, since Im not a big fan or anything, but I def see it as a good thing.

as for the notes you put in there, I can see what you mean. the static/white noise thing was intentional, too. so yeah...taking credit haha.

and I write alot (mostly all) of my songs out on acoustic first, and most of them end up as punk songs later on. but this one, whether or not it remains acoustic or not, has yet to be seen. I think it might, just cause it'd be a little more personal that way.

thanks for the critique all in all though, I'll keep what you put in mind.

I agree with everything James has said man. The imagery is great and so is the flow. The piece is ace man very very good. I can't wait to see more kick ass pieces like this. Chris great work.
:-D
awesome, haha. I'm glad you like this one JR.

Agreed with James, this is possibly your best. Great flow and imagery. Nothing stuck out to me as needing changing, just a great piece.
thanks, Josiah. I appreciate it.

some of the rhyming seemed a bit forced. eg. Ball and Pall. This was my favourite bit:

…Though I’m not much more,
Than another two-chord troubadour.
Writing in metaphor, often.
But I’d trade my finest lines, just to get one right.
Just to possess one that could express,
How much she really meant, this time is ill spent…

that bit is pretty awesome. i disliked the first verse, and the second verse is a bit better. i think i agree with the editing notes james posted too.
thanks to you as well, Lew. I guess not everyone is going to love it haha, but eh it's cool.
thanks again man.

[hailthewarrior]

I agree with everything Overise Fan said.

Great job, Chris, you make my writing look shitty.

[xerovision1]

nice

[CellarGhosts]

nice
thanks

I agree with everything Overise Fan said.

Great job, Chris, you make my writing look shitty.
haha, thanks Garrertt.

I wouldn't say I make it look shitty though, but I'll still take that as a compliment haha.

[musicroxmysox]

Chris i really, really like this one...man if only she could see how amazing this stuff is that you write about her, but yeah definitely very good:-)

[CellarGhosts]

Chris i really, really like this one...man if only she could see how amazing this stuff is that you write about her, but yeah definitely very good:-)
thanks a ton Michele haha.

yeah...I know. I wish she could too. like, alot haha. maybe she should...maybe she will haha.
I'm thinking of talking to her on AIM or whatever and being like "uh yeah, think you could check out these lyrics I wrote. alot of people seem to like em..." and then linking her to it, she'll read it, be like 'hmm maybe this is about me?' and then be like 'wait, I think this is about me!', she'll ask me, I'll say "chyeah, it's about you" and she'll be like "awwww" and then she'll leave her bf, go out with me, we'll have a great time, and live happily ever after.

hahaha yeah Im rambling there. and of course if I did that, it'd prob. be a good idea to delete this here post. and whatnot haha. but thanks again.

[OveriseFan]

Girls don't want a guy who isn't their boyfriend/interest to write songs about them. It's creepy, almost.

It's not something you really use to get a girl (writing a song about them) it's something you do when you actually have them to get them to love you more.

Learn her favorite song and then just be playing it when she's around. Don't be so blunt as to ask her what her favorite song is so you can learn it. Make it casual.

That's how you do it, buddy.

[CellarGhosts]

haha. clever James, clever...

[CellarGhosts]

...or maybe my band and I should just cover "San Dimas High School Football Rules"? hahaha
I love that song.

[OveriseFan]

Do it.

[CellarGhosts]

right on.

though I would have to substitute her name for "Whitney" in that part towards the end haha.
In fact, I think there's a number of Ataris songs that could work here.

[OveriseFan]

Have you gotten that mic yet?

Jeez...

[OveriseFan]

right on.

though I would have to substitute her name for "Whitney" in that part towards the end haha.
In fact, I think there's a number of Ataris songs that could work here.

Eh...

It's risky, but could work.

[CellarGhosts]

Eh...

It's risky, but could work.
true..."Your Boyfriend Sucks" is another option, but it doesnt fit quite as well.

plus "San Dimas..." is just all in all a "friendlier" song

Have you gotten that mic yet?

Jeez...
hahaha no, not yet.

[OveriseFan]

I like San Dimas. You should do that.

I wish I had a better mic. Or better yet, two mics. A dynamic mic and a vocal mic.

[CellarGhosts]

I like San Dimas. You should do that.

I wish I had a better mic. Or better yet, two mics. A dynamic mic and a vocal mic.
cool cool. maybe I should do it acoustically? if I remember right, Kris Roe recorded a version like that once...idk.

hopefully the mic, once I get it, works out fine for me. according to "theOtherAndrew" it works really well for acoustic songs.

[OveriseFan]

cool cool. maybe I should do it acoustically? if I remember right, Kris Roe recorded a version like that once...idk.

hopefully the mic, once I get it, works out fine for me. according to "theOtherAndrew" it works really well for acoustic songs.

What mic did you get?

And will you be recording live or individually tracking?

I use a shitty headset mic! (A mic attatched to headphones.) It's dope.

[CellarGhosts]

oh, it's a Labtec.

and Ill be recording the vocals and guitar seperately, using a program called Audacity.

[OveriseFan]

oh, it's a Labtec.

and Ill be recording the vocals and guitar seperately, using a program called Audacity.

Post a link, I mean.

Ok. Audacity isn't great, but it's what I use, as it's free.

Tariq swears by Kristal, another free program, but I couldn't get that to work for me. I have Acid, but it doesn't run well enough on my computer. It freezes up any stuff.

[lew_1987]

oh, it's a Labtec.

and Ill be recording the vocals and guitar seperately, using a program called Audacity.

yeah, i use audacity. its good enough.

and for the ataris song... you could do summer wind was always our song? i was gonna do that for my girlfriend (even though she's never heard it), but change it to "everlong was always our song" :-)

[CellarGhosts]

yeah, i use audacity. its good enough.

and for the ataris song... you could do summer wind was always our song? i was gonna do that for my girlfriend (even though she's never heard it), but change it to "everlong was always our song" :-)
oh, yeah, that's a good one too. though we were never "together," we always used to joke around about the song Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo (hence the username haha)...eventually it became an inside joke betweem us, and before long, it was my nickname, and somehow, a couple other people started calling me that haha.

so Idk if "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Was Always Our Song" would really...work?. haha...
but I see what you mean.


Post a link, I mean.

Ok. Audacity isn't great, but it's what I use, as it's free.

Tariq swears by Kristal, another free program, but I couldn't get that to work for me. I have Acid, but it doesn't run well enough on my computer. It freezes up any stuff.
http://www.amazon.com/Labtec-Verse-514-Microphone-Voice-Access/dp/B000053VYC/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-0310956-5268650?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1188250374&sr=1-1

...yeah, thats it. sorry, Im dumb and dunno how to construct a link where you just click properly haha.

haha yeah, free stuff ftw.

[lew_1987]

oh, yeah, that's a good one too. though we were never "together," we always used to joke around about the song Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo (hence the username haha)...eventually it became an inside joke betweem us, and before long, it was my nickname, and somehow, a couple other people started calling me that haha.

so Idk if "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Was Always Our Song" would really...work?. haha...
but I see what you mean.



http://www.amazon.com/Labtec-Verse-514-Microphone-Voice-Access/dp/B000053VYC/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-0310956-5268650?ie=UTF8&s=electronics&qid=1188250374&sr=1-1

...yeah, thats it. sorry, Im dumb and dunno how to construct a link where you just click properly haha.

haha yeah, free stuff ftw.

haha...


i have that same mic! but in silver. it works fine for me.

[CellarGhosts]

haha yeah, but who knows? it might. in the end though, i think the best way to go would be "San Dimas..."

oh, awesome. yeah, once I get it, I'll finally be able to post some stuff haha.

[OveriseFan]

Do you suck? Because I don't want crappy music.

[ArTkY_]

I want to have your writing-children.

[OveriseFan]

I want to have your writing-children.

Tariq > Chris.

It's true...*sung* I'm in love with you...

[ArTkY_]

Tariq > Chris.

It's true...*sung* I'm in love with you...
I...I don't know what to say.

Uzi and Ari owns, I don't know why I didn't listen to them as much as I do now.

[CellarGhosts]

Do you suck? Because I don't want crappy music.
does the music suck? no.

does my voice suck? probably haha.

I want to have your writing-children.
hahaha. thanks?

[ArTkY_]

hahaha. thanks?
Thanks is the correct answer to that, this is a really good piece of work.

[CellarGhosts]

haha, alright cool. thanks alot though, Im glad you dig it.

[OveriseFan]

I...I don't know what to say.

Uzi and Ari owns, I don't know why I didn't listen to them as much as I do now.

I have their album because Josiah raved and said I would love it. I've only listened once.

I listen to too much music.

I bought today:

Modest Mouse - The Moon and Anartica
Matchbox 20 - Yourself Or Someone Like You
Death Cab - You Can Play These Songs With Chords (I just need the Stability EP now to complete my disco!)

All that for $20. Not bad.

[ArTkY_]

I have their album because Josiah raved and said I would love it. I've only listened once.

I listen to too much music.

I bought today:

Modest Mouse - The Moon and Anartica
Matchbox 20 - Yourself Or Someone Like You
Death Cab - You Can Play These Songs With Chords (I just need the Stability EP now to complete my disco!)

All that for $20. Not bad.
You should give them another listen, because the same thing happened to me. Except it wasn't Josie.

We all do.

Those are some damn good choices.

[OveriseFan]

You should give them another listen, because the same thing happened to me. Except it wasn't Josie.

We all do.

Those are some damn good choices.

Thank you, sir.

Hah, I was about to get three more, but didn't have the money.

(They were buy 2 get the 3rd 50% off. Of COURSE I had to take advantage.)

[disco.tetris]

Very nice... you should get her to read it.. just don't tell her it's about her. Like somebody said, it's creepy if you're not actually with her..

Favourite lines:

…Though I’m not much more,
Than another two-chord troubadour.
Writing in metaphor, so often.
But I’d trade my finest lines, just to get one right.
Just to possess one that could express,
How much she really meant, this time is so ill spent…

[CellarGhosts]

thanks Varsha (I hope I'm getting you name right!, haha)
anyway, yeah, Ive been thinking about doing that...maybe.

I finally got my mic/recording program, so Im recording/working on some acoustic songs, and this is one of them, I might just stick this on a CD with a few others and give her a copy...w/out saying or hinting at anything.

Im actually gonna give the CD out to a few of my friends anyway, so I'l prob do that...
idk.

[OveriseFan]

Do it.

And post some stuff up here.

[CellarGhosts]

will do.

and I will as soon as I can. promise. haha.
I just am going back several times and re-doing the vocal parts on some cause Im still not very comfortable with my voice, but once I get a take I'm satisfied with, I'll upload some.

[OveriseFan]

Hah, would you be cool with me just busting out a version of this, before I hear yours? I'm not going to use it anywhere... (except here, to show you.)

I like these lyrics.

[mattybobviously]

Really like these lyrics, I don't know much about your situation but just reading this and the responses, I imagine it's quite similar to my own.

[CellarGhosts]

thanks man, glad you liked it.

[OveriseFan]

P.S. Disregard my post before in this thread. I'm not writing music to these, as I have my own stuff to work on.

[Deadbolt01]

fantastic

[CellarGhosts]

fantastic
thanks, man.

P.S. Disregard my post before in this thread. I'm not writing music to these, as I have my own stuff to work on.
haha, okay. no problemo.

[disco.tetris]

thanks Varsha (I hope I'm getting you name right!, haha)
anyway, yeah, Ive been thinking about doing that...maybe.

I finally got my mic/recording program, so Im recording/working on some acoustic songs, and this is one of them, I might just stick this on a CD with a few others and give her a copy...w/out saying or hinting at anything.

Im actually gonna give the CD out to a few of my friends anyway, so I'l prob do that...
idk.
Haha, yeah you got it right.

That actually sounds like a good plan.. and like OveriseFan said, post them here. :D

[OveriseFan]

I wish this thread would die...

Haha.

[CellarGhosts]

I wish this thread would die...

Haha.
heeeyyyy now...


Haha, yeah you got it right.

That actually sounds like a good plan.. and like OveriseFan said, post them here. :D
haha, ok good. and I'll post it once I get a take recorded that doesnt totally suck haha. plus, Im working on several other songs with a friend of mine for our band, so we've gotta get those out of the way first.