Living For Someone Else

[Emotional-Punk]

I hope you can relate, because there's a good story behind this song. Gosh, I'm not great at writing though. It tends to be quite emo unfortunitly. I don't mind criticism.

Original:

I'm fading
whenever you leave me
I shouldn't rely on you so completely
but you complete me

and so long I've been screaming for something
with the knowledge that I'm not saying anything
and so long I've been screaming
you are the only one listening

tune out
the evil you feel's inside
only when I'm around you am I alive
and want to survive

and so long I've been screaming for something
with the knowledge that I'm not saying anything
and so long I've been screaming
you are the only one listening

your smile's the only thing better than the tingling of my wrists
and I want to make you smile
I live to make you smile...

and so long I've been screaming for something
with the knowledge that I'm not saying anything
and so long I've been screaming

And you were the only one to notice
----------------------------------------
New version:

Whenever you leave me
I feel like I'm fading into gray.
I shouldn't rely on you so completely,
but you've been such a big help to me.

And so long I've been screaming
without saying words.
I've been hiding from the truth that not saying
anything wont get me help.
And it seems you were the only one who could hear
my visible crys.
And you asked me.

Looking in mirror and declaring the evils of me:
the coward, the damaged, the freak.
When I'm with you you make things feel alright...
Every time.

And so long I've been screaming
without saying words.
I've been hiding from the truth that not saying
anything wont get me help.
And it seems you were the only one who could hear
my visible crys...
And you asked me.

Being with you is the only thing better than the
bite of the blade.
And I'm living for you...
Because you asked me.

[CellarGhosts]

Ehhh...idk about this. I dont think its horrible, but its not great either...idk i'll try and go more in-depth later.

[Emotional-Punk]

Alright.
Thanks for reading.

[lostfear]

ok I'm going to be blunt. cause that's how I am. this isn't very good. you follow a really repetitive format which is annoying as well as overused.this is also too general. Screaming for something...what? with knowledge that your not saying anything ? whatt? that doesn't make sense.

or at least to me. and how many times has the phrase "you complete me" been used. try something different.

also the way you progress the song is awkward. it never seems to go anywhere.

sorry but I think you should give the story another go. scrap this. and try to write about the same story in a different way.

-Jake-

[Emotional-Punk]

Alright.
Thanks.

[CellarGhosts]

Alright.
Thanks for reading.
sure thing.

well...I could go in-depth here like I said, but Jake already basically said it all.
sorry; just not much more I can add. :shrug:

[Emotional-Punk]

mm, kay.

[xmy.only.exitx]

the rhyming seems a bit too forced.

[Emotional-Punk]

Argh.
I get that a lot unfortunately.

[black rose]

Atleast you know it's not very good and you are willing to improve. That's the most important thing. Unfortunatly this isn't very good, but the story behind it I can really relate to. Ask Chris [CharlieKilo], he'll know. haha.

[pickett47]

Scratch the rhyming. Too simple. Focus on the words first, say what you want to say. If you can rhyme after that, then great. Also, sometimes a minimal amount of rhyming draws people's attention to those few rhymes. It's a great way to direct an audience to a particular part of the piece.



and so long I've been screaming for something
with the knowledge that I'm not saying anything
and so long I've been screaming
you are the only one listening

tune out
the evil you feel's inside
only when I'm around you am I alive
and want to survive

your smile's the only thing better than the tingling of my wrists
and I want to make you smile
I live to make you smile...


First part that is quoted is too vague and cliche. I'd go deeper with this idea of searching. It's an interesting concept to seek more when you know you have nothing, but I think you want to say more here than you do. So say it. Don't leave us questioning. Maybe also talk about the only set of ears that hears your cry. That's much less of the standard pop-emo formula, more of a poetic and thoughtful approach.

You mention this evil just briefly. What is it? Why do you mention it? It sounds important, but it doesn't get discussed. Maybe you could rework this to make this person the person who encourages you as you fight your own inner evils. Keep the focus on you and your need, making this other person an intriguing and enviable character.

That last part is just cheesy. Sorry, but it is. This section on smiling is horribly out of place in this piece. I mean, even saying the world "smile," while reading this was difficult for me. Maybe giving this person a reason to live? I don't know, but I'd definitely rework this and make it more fitting with the rest of the words.

All good writing requires revision. Write. Revise. Re-write. Revise. Re-write... Read the words out loud to yourself, too. You'll know when you get the sound you're looking for. It'll hit you.

[ruler of da emo]

picket447 or sumtin alredy sed it all hez rite its wierd like you want 2 express yourself but you like, unconsciously changd ur mind in da middle,and ended up writin sumtin 2 brief describe netin its not long enuf and you mention things like the evil and the person in general but you didnt describe either...al2geder i tink its lazy and i tink your forcin the rhymes im sorry but im only tryin 2 help

[TK]

picket447 or sumtin alredy sed it all hez rite its wierd like you want 2 express yourself but you like, unconsciously changd ur mind in da middle,and ended up writin sumtin 2 brief describe netin its not long enuf and you mention things like the evil and the person in general but you didnt describe either...al2geder i tink its lazy and i tink your forcin the rhymes im sorry but im only tryin 2 help


Your grammer is atrocious, stop abbreviating everything. Just type out the fucking word. I'm sorry if I'm overreacting, but I've had a bad day, and stuff like this is annoying the shit out of me.

[a speedo model]

Ditto to what everyone said.

Also, I'd like to know how what you write is Emo.

[Emotional-Punk]

Thanks for the advice I'll try and rewrite some, in fact I already have a bit of a different version.

[Deadbolt01]

I like the new version, its not bad, still not sure what you mean by visible cries though?

[Emotional-Punk]

Honestly, what I mean is cuts on my arms. They are like cries for help but no one can hear them.

[thetrueblood]

Honestly, what I mean is cuts on my arms. They are like cries for help but no one can hear them.

a girl cutting her wrists and yelling "LOVE MEEEE" is exactly what every guy on the face of the planet is trying to avoid. learn to love yourself and stop being so fucking dependent.

[Storm of Swords]

learn to love yourself and stop being so fucking dependent.

Roger that.

[Emotional-Punk]

The song is about him teaching me how to.
x.x
And the thing was... I didn't ask him to love me at all.
He was the first person to attempt to understand why I did that.
And was bit dependent because he was all I had.

Somewhat why I was being vague on the chorus is because the whole cutting thing was at the time very secretive.

[Deadbolt01]

cool. With writing, I (with reasonable limits) don't care what you're writing about, if you feel strongly about something then write about it, and its how well you get it across that i will judge the song on. So if thats how you're feeling, fine, you did a good job. Its like(sorry if I'm thrice referencing too much)Dustin Kensure's lyrics, I'm not a christian but i can appreciate his great Biblical lyrics. Different people have different thoughts and feelings.