Skyscrape Her

[lostfear]

It’s dangerous, to think too much she said
I’m beginning to agree with all the lies in my head

It’s too windy to light a fire he said
well if so, why isn’t my garden scorched and dead?

And I, can’t receive
A single heartbeat from you to me
For I, know that
Even this song won’t bring you back

You’re young, smart and insane, he said
I was looking for music, but found a muse instead

Runway with me, and nothing will matter she said
Then why do I envy all of the lovers still in bed

And I, can’t receive
A single heartbeat from you to me
For I, know that
Even this song won’t bring you back

If I could sit and watch the faces
Play connect the dots with the fear that erases
Your words from mine, people like knots
They all intertwine, tumors like thoughts
They both kill the mind.

[lostfear]

is this really bad or something?

critiques would be sweet.

[OveriseFan]

is this really bad or something?

critiques would be sweet.

You waited one hour.

Shut up.

I like you, don't get me wrong, but you bumped after ONE HOUR!? ONE HOUR!

Why?

You should know that people will get to it when they have the time. One hour is not a long enough time to wait before a bump.

I need to be moderator, and if I was, then this thread would be closed. As such, I refuse to comment on it.

[lostfear]

ahahahahah. ok. point taken james. I'm sorry.

[patpratt]

ha, jesus.

[lostfear]

ok, but seriously. thoughts?

[OveriseFan]

ok, but seriously. thoughts?

Seriously, I refuse to read it.

Stop bumping, Jesus.

[TK]

I don't know, I didn't care for the whole thing with "said" at the end of four lines with close to the same rhymes. Everytime I read something I liked, I would read something I didn't. I think this needs a decent amount of work to make it good, imo at least.

[lostfear]

I Don't think I should be faulted on the way I'm rhyming this piece.

I'm trying to portray a certain image, in the verses and I think that it wouldn't be the same without that pattern.

also. I think if you heard the music. you might find the song more intriguing.

[TK]

Maybe not, but I just did not enjoy the rhyme pattern while reading this. For the most part, hearing the song is better than reading the lyrics, so let me know when you've recorded the song and have it online somewhere. I like reading most of your stuff, but this just didn't connect with me.

P.s. I look forward to your E.P. coming out(Hopefully soon)

[lostfear]

yeah. this song is definitely one of those songs. on paper it's not great but once you hear it, it will be different.

and the e.p should be out REALLY soon. waiting on masters and cover art.

[kait.]

i didn't mind the repetition of "said" - like you said, it creates a pattern.

since you've already got this recorded, i feel like what i say won't matter much, but i'll tell you anyways.
It's dangerous, to think too much she said
I’m beginning to agree with all the lies in my head
this is pretty standard. it's nearly forgettable, it's so common.
It’s too windy to light a fire he said
well if so, why isn’t my garden scorched and dead?
that's an interesting image. i really like it.

the chorus - mm. it's alright. the second verse ... i don't like the "young, smart and insane" - it sounds like it's meant to mean something significant but fails to express it.
If I could sit and watch the faces
Play connect the dots with the fear that erases
Your words from mine, people like knots
They all intertwine, tumors like thoughts
They both kill the mind.
the above jumps a little, to the image of tumors (which i don't like), but otherwise it's got a nice flow to it.

[ArTkY_]

James, calm down! Jeez. And early bump isn't a reason to not read someone's work.

I have to say, while I'm not a huge fan of this, I really love the repetition. I think you could go somewhere with this if you just look at it for a while and see what edges there are to clean up. I only skimmed over it though.