Smoking Moons

[as_we_learn]

This is new one and I think it is okay, but it needs a lot of work. I put this here to see if I should keep going with this or not. Thanks to everyone for their replies in advance.

I'm wearing the same shoes
from the night that defined our outcome.
A slow sick stomach filled with that
blank expression you used, tired and brusied.
The night hid my nostalgic remorse
for the feeble way I was tripped into you.

There's a service for this,
quiet and slow I'll learn my own part.
I'll spin the locket as soon as
I find that gold within your polished mouth.

Twirling, rapid, and smoking moons
causing waves within my tepid blood.
Heat created binding with my mind,
until I reach a point of amicable crimes.
You've pushed me, honey, to
this godforsaken tiring thought persistant rhyme.

There's a service for this,
quiet and slow I'll learn my own part.
I'll spin the locket as soon as
I find that gold within your polished mouth.

Forget the night.
What does it matter if the stars
light up the sky either way.

Forget the day.
What does it matter if buildings
create shade to stay cold either way.

[kait.]

i think you have an interesting concept here - a lot of your lines made me stop and think, which was nice. the mood of this is great. it's the words that don't work. haha, i'm not even sure that makes sense. i'm just trying to find lines that i'd want you to keep and build on, and ... i can't. but the feel here is good.

[as_we_learn]

Haha well thanks I'm glad you like the feel to it, but I'm not sure what to really change because I'm not sure what you mean with the mood being great, but the words not being so. Anyways thanks a lot for reading.

[kait.]

i don't think i really know what i mean, either. um. something like - i like what you're trying to say (what i think you're trying to say, anyways) but don't like what you're actually saying?

[Pastorius02]

Are you trying to say that you like the meaning and what he is trying to convey in this piece, but you dont like the diction and syntax used?

[mattybobviously]

I'd echo the sentiments above, I like the ideas, 'specially first verse, just feel like you could spend a lot more time choosing better words to help you convey your thoughts.

[as_we_learn]

I'd echo the sentiments above, I like the ideas, 'specially first verse, just feel like you could spend a lot more time choosing better words to help you convey your thoughts.
Yeah I know, I wrote this in like 5 minutes and wasn't sure about so I'm gonna try and choose better ways to convey my idea. Thanks for reading.
i don't think i really know what i mean, either. um. something like - i like what you're trying to say (what i think you're trying to say, anyways) but don't like what you're actually saying?
I think I see what you mean and I'll try to change it up a bit to get my idea across better. Thanks again for reading.

[CellarGhosts]

Hmmm...
I'm gonna agree with the people above on this one. I didn't enjoy this really near as much as the last few things I've read from you, though this isnt bad at all, I wouldnt say.

[as_we_learn]

Hmmm...
I'm gonna agree with the people above on this one. I didn't enjoy this really near as much as the last few things I've read from you, though this isnt bad at all, I wouldnt say.
Thanks for reading man and I'm planning on re-writing this.

Where have you been Chris, I havent seen you around here in a long time.

[OveriseFan]

Haha, the first verse (all that I read) sounds like you picked random words out of a thesaurus and tried to make them stick. But, to avoid being called out on using a thesaurus, you looked up THAT word in a thesaurus and used the most common one...

I hope that makes sense.

Basically, I don't like it.

[as_we_learn]

Haha, the first verse (all that I read) sounds like you picked random words out of a thesaurus and tried to make them stick. But, to avoid being called out on using a thesaurus, you looked up THAT word in a thesaurus and used the most common one...

I hope that makes sense.

Basically, I don't like it.
It does and this is definately going need a lot of work. Although I didn't use a thesaurus. I'm gonna be re-writing this soon because I'm disappointed with it. Anyways thanks for reading James.

[CellarGhosts]

Thanks for reading man and I'm planning on re-writing this.

Where have you been Chris, I havent seen you around here in a long time.
sure thing, man.

I guess I've just been busier lately, with life/school/my new band, etc, havent had as much time to post around here lately.