Suffering, Yes, But Still Better Off

[ArTkY_]

Can you imagine:
My body drawn and quartered,
but not pulled apart by horses,
rather the shining teeth of dogs,
ravenous for the taste of my blood.
I think it's youthful innocence that makes it so sweet.
No.
It's naivety.
An entire city watches from a distance,
and I am on display.
Their protagonist points and shouts
"someone should do something,"
but by then I am already dragged through town,
behind your chariot.

[a speedo model]

Hahaha, Holy shit! This is great. Reminded me of early Thrice, loved that. Great imagery and flow. Short and to the point. Great work here, Tariq. Proof who the top dogs are, eh? ;-)

[ArTkY_]

Thanks! Means a lot.

[kait.]

i like it. simple, but it packs enough of a punch to make you really read it hard.

[Alex Djaferis]

the ideas and imagery are fantastic - im not really sure about the way it flows - but thats usually because its hard to find a rhythm to a poem unless you've written it.

change the name of the lyric though. imo its a bit to FOB, Brand New etc ish.

[ArTkY_]

Thanks guys.

As far as flow goes, I'm very deliberate about my line length, so just read with that in mind.

[vandalsandquinn]

This is mad ghetto sonnn! Haha, good job T-dawg

[ArTkY_]

Brigid, I wish I was as cool as you.

[lostfear]

have my children...

wait.

shit.

[vandalsandquinn]

Tariq, who doesn't. I'ma put that in my sig.

[OveriseFan]

This is brilliant, but I feel like:

Can you imagine:
My body drawn and quartered,
but not pulled apart by horses,
rather the shining teeth of dogs,
ravenous for the taste of my blood.

is blatantly ripping off a line by someone... especially "But not pulled apart by horses." I just can't remember what band/poet.

Oh well. Nice work, Tariq.

Edit: Duh, it's from a Radiohead song. The line's "feeling pulled apart by horses". I'm not positive they have actually used it on the new album or not... I can't tell. But, they've definately used it in an old live version of a song, and I've read much about it. Just something to consider.

[matt_rawlings]

Violent but cool

[thecurerocks182]

I enjoyed this piece. It is short, but effective and it carries a good message. However, that message was destroyed by the the final line, which makes me believe that these lyrics are more about a failed relationship than what i had initially in mind. I apologize if this is not the case, as I have been studying all day and my perception of things has most likely been impaired. I am curious as to what your intentions were behind this. At first, I read it as if it were by the Blood Brothers (albeit not as violent or abstract). I thought the whole thing was an abstract metaphor with an underlying message beneath it. As side from this, I believe you have a continuity problem at the end of it. You make it a point to not have horses that cut up your body but dogs that chew you apart, then you go onto say you are pulled behind a chariot. It seems to me that it is conflicting, but that could just be a misunderstanding on my part. Anyways, I enjoyed the piece regardless. Good work.

PS - I posted a revision of my newest piece if you are interested. Thanks again.

[thecurerocks182]

have my children...

wait.

shit.
By the way, our birthday is on the same day...that almost makes us brothers..not really, but I still thought it was cool and strange.

[ArTkY_]

This is brilliant, but I feel like:

Can you imagine:
My body drawn and quartered,
but not pulled apart by horses,
rather the shining teeth of dogs,
ravenous for the taste of my blood.

is blatantly ripping off a line by someone... especially "But not pulled apart by horses." I just can't remember what band/poet.

Oh well. Nice work, Tariq.

Edit: Duh, it's from a Radiohead song. The line's "feeling pulled apart by horses". I'm not positive they have actually used it on the new album or not... I can't tell. But, they've definately used it in an old live version of a song, and I've read much about it. Just something to consider.
Well, it's not really ripping off if I never knew. The only Radiohead album I listen to religiously is The Bends.
I enjoyed this piece. It is short, but effective and it carries a good message. However, that message was destroyed by the the final line, which makes me believe that these lyrics are more about a failed relationship than what i had initially in mind. I apologize if this is not the case, as I have been studying all day and my perception of things has most likely been impaired. I am curious as to what your intentions were behind this. At first, I read it as if it were by the Blood Brothers (albeit not as violent or abstract). I thought the whole thing was an abstract metaphor with an underlying message beneath it. As side from this, I believe you have a continuity problem at the end of it. You make it a point to not have horses that cut up your body but dogs that chew you apart, then you go onto say you are pulled behind a chariot. It seems to me that it is conflicting, but that could just be a misunderstanding on my part. Anyways, I enjoyed the piece regardless. Good work.

PS - I posted a revision of my newest piece if you are interested. Thanks again.
It's not really about a failed relationship, it's about several things in one. Though a relationship may be part of it, hence the ending. I didn't really think the ending weakened it at all, I thought it would help, but oh well. What do you suggest? And what did you initially have in mind? Also, I figured that people would assume it was my pieces that were being dragged behind the chariot. Maybe that's too much of a stretch?
Violent but cool
Thanks.
Tariq, who doesn't. I'ma put that in my sig.
Woo!
have my children...

wait.

shit.
I don't have ovaries. :-(

[thecurerocks182]

It's not really about a failed relationship, it's about several things in one. Though a relationship may be part of it, hence the ending. I didn't really think the ending weakened it at all, I thought it would help, but oh well. What do you suggest? And what did you initially have in mind? Also, I figured that people would assume it was my pieces that were being dragged behind the chariot. Maybe that's too much of a stretch?

I wouldn't say it weakened the piece...it just made me realize that I was misinterpreting it. As for my initial reaction, I interpreted it as how we tend to draw back from helping people who are in desperate need of it...as if questioning morality of it? Do we enjoy the violence? Too afraid that you'll get physically involved? Or its better off them than us...For example, you illustrate how someone is mutilating your body as if like ravenous dogs, yet a crowd sits and watches as one person does this to you. The irony is that the "protagonist" just stands there and tries to persuade the crowd, but is also demonstrating a reluctance in himself by not taking it upon himself to help you. He may display concern, but his lack of action shows that he is no more different than the others. Also, it is a fact that the larger the crowd, the less likely people are to help someone. Anyways, that is what I interpretted. I hope that makes sense, as its pretty late here...i just can't sleep. As for the chariot, what is pulling the chariot?

[OveriseFan]

Well, it's not really ripping off if I never knew. The only Radiohead album I listen to religiously is The Bends.

It's a line that's been written about by music blogs/critics/etc. a lot, especially recently. I thought maybe it subconciously entered and you wrote it. If not, whatever, cool. It's just... the same line. You know?

[lew_1987]

i'm not as big a fan of this as everyone else. it was just a bit so-so, didn't really grab my attention or anything. i do think that the length is a plus though, keeps it more to the point.

[ArTkY_]

I wouldn't say it weakened the piece...it just made me realize that I was misinterpreting it. As for my initial reaction, I interpreted it as how we tend to draw back from helping people who are in desperate need of it...as if questioning morality of it? Do we enjoy the violence? Too afraid that you'll get physically involved? Or its better off them than us...For example, you illustrate how someone is mutilating your body as if like ravenous dogs, yet a crowd sits and watches as one person does this to you. The irony is that the "protagonist" just stands there and tries to persuade the crowd, but is also demonstrating a reluctance in himself by not taking it upon himself to help you. He may display concern, but his lack of action shows that he is no more different than the others. Also, it is a fact that the larger the crowd, the less likely people are to help someone. Anyways, that is what I interpretted. I hope that makes sense, as its pretty late here...i just can't sleep. As for the chariot, what is pulling the chariot?
You're spot on. The violence isn't you know... physical violence. It's "emotional" violence, if you will, and the dogs represent several people who were involved in my life a few years ago.

When I say "your chariot," I'm referring to someone who was a very good friend of mine at that time period who basically hung me up to dry and the chariot is being pulled by the dogs.
It's a line that's been written about by music blogs/critics/etc. a lot, especially recently. I thought maybe it subconciously entered and you wrote it. If not, whatever, cool. It's just... the same line. You know?
Yeah, I know what you mean. Ahh, this is going to bug me, haha.
i'm not as big a fan of this as everyone else. it was just a bit so-so, didn't really grab my attention or anything. i do think that the length is a plus though, keeps it more to the point.
Hmm, alright. Thanks for the input, though, I appreciate you reading it.

[thecurerocks182]

You're spot on. The violence isn't you know... physical violence. It's "emotional" violence, if you will, and the dogs represent several people who were involved in my life a few years ago.

When I say "your chariot," I'm referring to someone who was a very good friend of mine at that time period who basically hung me up to dry and the chariot is being pulled by the dogs.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Ahh, this is going to bug me, haha.

Hmm, alright. Thanks for the input, though, I appreciate you reading it.
I understand what you're saying. However, I interpretted it as an emphasis on physical violence...why we are so reluctant to help others. People see others getting assaulted, but do nothing about it because they fear their own involvement, or seeing someone homeless (not necessarily relating to violence) and opting not to help them. I thought the piece more so to do with our passiveness/omission towards physical violence. Anyways, I can tell you're passionate about this piece and what it means to you, so that is all that matters. In the end, what matters is that you are proud of what you have created. As for the chariot again...i feel that it is a bit of a stretch to assume or think that dogs would be pulling a chariot. Perhaps, my knowledge of history isn't very great, but since when do dogs pull chariots.

[ArTkY_]

I understand what you're saying. However, I interpretted it as an emphasis on physical violence...why we are so reluctant to help others. People see others getting assaulted, but do nothing about it because they fear their own involvement, or seeing someone homeless (not necessarily relating to violence) and opting not to help them. I thought the piece more so to do with our passiveness/omission towards physical violence. Anyways, I can tell you're passionate about this piece and what it means to you, so that is all that matters. In the end, what matters is that you are proud of what you have created. As for the chariot again...i feel that it is a bit of a stretch to assume or think that dogs would be pulling a chariot. Perhaps, my knowledge of history isn't very great, but since when do dogs pull chariots.
Alright. Dogs never pull chariots, it's a paradox. How often are dogs drawing and quartering people?

[thecurerocks182]

Yes, it is strange. Do you think I can teach my dog that trick?

[ArTkY_]

You could, but I don't know if you'd want to.

[cris545]

keep in mind this is my first post since maybe september...

I love this.

[vandalsandquinn]

CRIS! I miss you!

[cris545]

Brigid! I miss you too!

[ArTkY_]

Hey, Cris.

[cris545]

Hello, Tariq.

[ArTkY_]

How was your leave of absence?

[cris545]

How was your leave of absence?
It was toooorturous. Haha, kidding. I've just been busy lately so I can't come on AP for hours at a time. I can just leave random posts every now and then.