I wish I could come up with cool fancy titles...

[black rose]

Super-dee-duper rough. Like, wrote in the last five minutes, rough. It's got a kind of creepy meaning. Super kudos to someone that is creepy like me and gets it. ha.

I’ll say this, I am not afraid.
To lie down and take what you give.
It isn’t as bad as it sounds.
I swear to you, it isn’t that bad.

You’ve slid all the way to the finish line.
Ribbons inscribed with the words I thought I’d never say.
Pavement ground, not forgiving.
I’ve been here all this time.

Dance sir, dance for me.
Jump up from where you sit in the back corner.
You deserve this.

And I wish I could say more.
But what I say is only half-truths.
She gives what I would have given.
My morals don’t mean a thing.
My standards are dropping by the second.

Dance sir, dance for me.
Stop creeping along like you do.
I deserve this.

As I talk to myself I wonder.
I wander through the mind I call my own.
Written so neatly, organized.
You’ve gained my patience, my everything.

[as_we_learn]

I wasn't to crazy about this, but as you said it is still very rough. I don't really see the creepy meaning, but that may be becuse I am tired as hell haha. Anyways this needs a lot of works. Nice to see you around again, Melissa.

[thecurerocks182]

I apologize if this comes off as obnoxious, but I just don't understand the purpose of posting something that is "Super-dee-duper rough. Like, wrote in the last five minutes, rough." Why waste our time if you are not going to put any effort into it? I'm sorry, but it is ludicrous to expect to us to provide feedback to something that was written on the spot as you have suggested. There are writers here who put effort into their work and don't receive any feedback. Please, consider your work before submitting, as there is no place for excuses...when you submit, you shouldn't have to defend it in the opening sentence.

[black rose]

With that line, I wasn't defending it. I like harsh critism more than anyone around here, and I'll happily take it. It's not that I don't put time or work into my pieces, it's that that's the way I write. I'll write a full song and tweak it from there. I can't write just a verse and get the chorus and other verses later. That's just how I work. I put up the rough drafts here so I can change them and make them better. That's all I meant.

[ArTkY_]

Eh.

[Rock]

I like the writing style, but I don't understand the meaning.

Specific lines I would rephrase:
Pavement ground, not forgiving. "Pavement ground" is somewhat redundant.
Jump up from where you sit in the back corner. "Back corner" is awkward.
My standards are dropping by the second. I just don't like the way it sounds.

[OveriseFan]

I apologize if this comes off as obnoxious, but I just don't understand the purpose of posting something that is "Super-dee-duper rough. Like, wrote in the last five minutes, rough." Why waste our time if you are not going to put any effort into it? I'm sorry, but it is ludicrous to expect to us to provide feedback to something that was written on the spot as you have suggested. There are writers here who put effort into their work and don't receive any feedback. Please, consider your work before submitting, as there is no place for excuses...when you submit, you shouldn't have to defend it in the opening sentence.

Nah. I disagree.

I mean, yeah, you shouldn't even mention it. But I know an amazing writer who writes almost all of his poetry on the spot.

[vandalsandquinn]

It sounds like you want some dude to rape you. Can I point you in the direction of Matt Rawlings' house?

but ehhh, i'm not feeling this

[thecurerocks182]

Nah. I disagree.

I mean, yeah, you shouldn't even mention it. But I know an amazing writer who writes almost all of his poetry on the spot.
I guess you're right. I just wish I could write masterpieces on the spot too. I am envious! I know I'll never be an exceptional writer (or anything at anything for that matter) so I personally put others down with my pseudo-intellect. I get too emotional over writing because it is something I love, but will never really pursue. So, I apologize.

PS - I like you, but it's apparent you are not too fond of me since every comment in relation to me is either in disagreement or to point out something I did wrong. Thanks.

[black rose]

It sounds like you want some dude to rape you. Can I point you in the direction of Matt Rawlings' house?

but ehhh, i'm not feeling thisI would gladly let Matt Rawlings rape me, although I'm pretty sure that's not rape anymore. haha. Atleast you got the somewhat meaning of the poem [in a really awkward way.]

Thanks to everyone for the critisism. I'm tweaking this one as we speak so maybe a newer version will be up next week-ish [I'm sure all of you are dying to see it].

[black rose]

I like the writing style, but I don't understand the meaning.

Specific lines I would rephrase:
Pavement ground, not forgiving. "Pavement ground" is somewhat redundant.
Jump up from where you sit in the back corner. "Back corner" is awkward.
My standards are dropping by the second. I just don't like the way it sounds.Thanks very much. I haven't seen you around, nice to see new faces. The meaning is really not that great. Nothing super original.

[OveriseFan]

I guess you're right. I just wish I could write masterpieces on the spot too. I am envious! I know I'll never be an exceptional writer (or anything at anything for that matter) so I personally put others down with my pseudo-intellect. I get too emotional over writing because it is something I love, but will never really pursue. So, I apologize.

PS - I like you, but it's apparent you are not too fond of me since every comment in relation to me is either in disagreement or to point out something I did wrong. Thanks.

Haha. I like you too.

I disagree with you sometimes, but I like your writing and music a bit, and I like you as a person. haha.

:buddies: