Little Boy

[GhostMachine]

Little boy danced in the graveyard at midnight,
Ran away from the pain of home during the fights,
Lost his way and found a river,
Tried to cross it and lost his life.

Mommy cries at the funeral,
Her tears falling on sister’s head,
Daddy stands quietly depressed,
The world around them says goodbye.

At the bottom of the water holder,
He saw a beauty like no other coming for him,
And stretched out his hands as the blood spewed from his mouth.

Nightmares gather in the hollows of sister’s mind,
She listens to mommy and daddy’s fights,
The war they wage every night,
Without bullets or guns they tear each other apart,
She wishes she could just tell them to stop.

Mommy hides inside of her bedroom,
A bottle of vodka to take away the pain,
And every night she passes out,
Only to awake with a headache and memories of what she tried to erase,
While daddy sits all alone downstairs,
Holding a gun to his head,
Every night he wonders why he doesn’t pull the trigger.

And screams echo out with a bitter misery,
Little boy remains in sister’s dreams,
Trying to say goodbye,
He can’t seem to find the words to make it seem alright,
So every night they sit and talk,
While the wars wage on in the background,
Televised bombings set the mood,
Sister’s wonderful life slowly turns to blue.

And every night she sneaks away,
Sits at brother’s grave and dances a dance just for him,
She wishes she could make him smile again,
And mommy loses her mind to the drink,
While sits and thinks and thinks,
Loaded gun in his hand while his mind polluted with alcohol,
One night he decides to just end it all….

Sister sits at brother’s graves,
She tells him that she’s running away,
While daddy climbs to where mommy lays,
One loud bang then another loud bang…

Little boy’s memory has faded from minds,
Sister escaped this time,
And mommy and daddy now lay beside him,
They sleep forever…
They sleep together….
And no one says a thing…

[a speedo model]

I need confirmation that this is real before I tear it apart.

[mattybobviously]

I need confirmation that this is real before I tear it apart.
It's legit.
I want to do the honors, but I'll leave it for you, I feel like I've been an ass enough in here lately.

[a speedo model]

Little boy danced in the graveyard at midnight,
Ran away from the pain of home during the fights,
Lost his way and found a river,
Tried to cross it and lost his life.
The first line is a bad opener, it feels cliche and makes the reader say "Wait, what?". The other three are just far too blunt, too straight-forward and although they get the point across there's no feeling in them at all.

Mommy cries at the funeral,
Her tears falling on sister’s head,
Daddy stands quietly depressed,
The world around them says goodbye.
The first three aren't bad, but border on again being too blunt and not drawing any emotion from the reader. The last line is just terrible and I honestly don't see how it fits.

At the bottom of the water holder,
He saw a beauty like no other coming for him,
And stretched out his hands as the blood spewed from his mouth.

The second line is actually pretty good, albeit a bit unoriginal. The first and third however are just bad, the first is worded awkwardly making it hard to read and the third loses any emotional connection the reader may have by its boring imagery of spewing blood and so on.

Nightmares gather in the hollows of sister’s mind,
She listens to mommy and daddy’s fights,
The war they wage every night,
Without bullets or guns they tear each other apart,
She wishes she could just tell them to stop.
Horrible. It's a boring idea you're going with here, sorry if it is routed in personal experience but you have to say something the reader while relevent. All you do is spout cliche phrases for your piece that make it lose flow and feel stale.

Mommy hides inside of her bedroom,
A bottle of vodka to take away the pain,
And every night she passes out,
Only to awake with a headache and memories of what she tried to erase,
While daddy sits all alone downstairs,
Holding a gun to his head,
Every night he wonders why he doesn’t pull the trigger.

Borderline great, but settles on good. A few lines and imagery feel unoriginal. But for the most part this is pretty solid.

And screams echo out with a bitter misery,
Little boy remains in sister’s dreams,
Trying to say goodbye,
He can’t seem to find the words to make it seem alright,
So every night they sit and talk,
While the wars wage on in the background,
Televised bombings set the mood,
Sister’s wonderful life slowly turns to blue.

This here is an interesting turn, I like the idea of them talking in her room while the parents fight, it's an interesting idea. But sadly this is weighed down with traditional imagery and boring lines.

And every night she sneaks away,
Sits at brother’s grave and dances a dance just for him,
She wishes she could make him smile again,
And mommy loses her mind to the drink,
While sits and thinks and thinks,
Loaded gun in his hand while his mind polluted with alcohol,
One night he decides to just end it all….
She dances a dance for him? What the hell? I don't get it, honestly. This is not good.

Sister sits at brother’s graves,
She tells him that she’s running away,
While daddy climbs to where mommy lays,
One loud bang then another loud bang…

Nice turn in the story, but honestly find better ways to progress it. This is far too blunt to be inspiring or create any emotional feeling, you haven't established characters and gotten the reader's attention, gotten them to care about this family. It's just hard to care with what you say honestly.

Little boy’s memory has faded from minds,
Sister escaped this time,
And mommy and daddy now lay beside him,
They sleep forever…
They sleep together….
And no one says a thing…
All but the last line are very bad, they like so much in this are too blunt, there's really no climax. You've created one, but it's not executed properly and so one reading it doesn't feel any closure or ending, it's just the last stanza to this poem. There's no feeling. The last is a good line, however, it would've worked very well had the ones before it been better.

All in all, this isn't very good. It's a very familiar topic, that you don't take in any new direction. The imagery doesn't draw the reader in or keep their interest. There's no appeal, nothing is presented that feels "real" it's just lucid words strung together to form a poem. In the end, I just couldn't care. But keep at it, try writing about things you feel connected to and try and include the readers in on them. Take the topic in a unique direction or at least use interesting imagery.

That is all.

[GhostMachine]

I appreciate the criticism. Don't look at it like a reader though...maybe then you'll see where it comes from...

Plus this whole piece lays homage to the American idea of marriage at it's "finest" points in life.

[heyyou]

i dont really no very much about poetry.
but i really liked that.
i think the lil sister made it even better.

i agree that this part needs some work though

At the bottom of the water holder,
He saw a beauty like no other coming for him,
And stretched out his hands as the blood spewed from his mouth.

[GhostMachine]

It's the way I write. I don't do things so that people are comfortable and my styling and positioning of words proves that. Even in the way I talk. That's why it's like that.

That part talks about his death. He drowns in a river. The water holder is the ground that is built up around the river and the beauty before him was death and escape.