Forgive Us, We Believe

[as_we_learn]

I wrote this up right now and I'm looking for some feedback on it. It's kind of late so if there are any spelling mistakes just let me know. Thanks for reading in advance.

I'm falling forward like a star
sinking into the sky, beyond our suns.
Burning bright so you'd see me,
hoping you were waiting like a wish.
I'll come true for once, just for you.

These wormholes serve as passages
to memories filled with our love.
Bursting, swelled, ready to forgive.
Forgive us, we finally believe.

Planets spinning to the sound
of confusion, within their old age.
We'll be bending like the light
towards the sacred stillness of space.

Honey, hold me tight, close to your head.
I am damned to be confined by a spiral,
it's dark and shaking, an amazing illusion.

There's an echo in the distant,
it's her voice shouting out:
"How's it feel to be the one floating
around, slowly being stolen of your warmth.
I bet you're hoping I was still there,
clouded by a lightning storm."

[as_we_learn]

People Like You Are The Reason People Like Me Bump

[kait.]

haha.

i read this and didn't have the time to comment, and then i forgot to. sorry.

i like the beginning, especially that inverted wish-upon-a-star bit. that stanza is very tight. i find that as i read along, though, i feel this less and less. the second stanza strikes me as a little odd, though i love the image of sidewalks swelling and bursting. the third and fourth i don't like, because they don't seem to connect with the first two stanzas. the tone of this, when i read it, switches kinda awkwardly. oh, and final point - love the title.

[as_we_learn]

haha.

i read this and didn't have the time to comment, and then i forgot to. sorry.

i like the beginning, especially that inverted wish-upon-a-star bit. that stanza is very tight. i find that as i read along, though, i feel this less and less. the second stanza strikes me as a little odd, though i love the image of sidewalks swelling and bursting. the third and fourth i don't like, because they don't seem to connect with the first two stanzas. the tone of this, when i read it, switches kinda awkwardly. oh, and final point - love the title.
Thanks for reading Kait and I'm glad you liked the title. I do feel that the last two stanzas don't fit in with the rest of the piece, so I changed it a little so tell me what you think.

[lew_1987]

i didn't really like this to be honest, it all seems a bit 'lovely dovey' to me, if you get what i mean. i guess its just a bit too cheesy, a bit too obvious for my tastes. i also think that the 'rough sex' line is a bit awkward too. sorry man.

[as_we_learn]

i didn't really like this to be honest, it all seems a bit 'lovely dovey' to me, if you get what i mean. i guess its just a bit too cheesy, a bit too obvious for my tastes. i also think that the 'rough sex' line is a bit awkward too. sorry man.
It's no problem man, but you read the old version I changed some things, so tell me what you think of those.

[lew_1987]

much better. this bit was pretty good:

Planets spinning to the sound
of confusion, within their old age.
We'll be bending like the light
towards the sacred stillness of space.

[as_we_learn]

much better. this bit was pretty good:

Planets spinning to the sound
of confusion, within their old age.
We'll be bending like the light
towards the sacred stillness of space.
Alright thanks again Lew man.

[kait.]

now i can honestly say i adore the entire thing. nice.

[as_we_learn]

now i can honestly say i adore the entire thing. nice.
Awesome and thanks again for reading Kait.