The Guilt of Having Killed a Loved One

[yournewhaircut]

There's a hole in your cheek
Because you bit the bait.
Am i the object of your love
or of your hate?

Losing touch with myself
to gain touch with you.
Forfeiting my soul
To lie next to you.


So dense in the air you can't breathe
Love you, so I'll tell you to leave.
I'll always let you down--
You'll always let me down--
--Unless I change,
I need you.


Let me burn you up
Because the scent is sweet.
You seep under the door
And into the carpet, the sheets and me.

Losing sight of my hopes
To gain sight of you.
Forfeiting my time
To bide it with you.

I'm so dense in the air you can't breathe
Love you, so I'll tell you to leave.
I'll always let you down--
You'll always let me down--
--Unless I change,
I need you.

[lew_1987]

Let me burn you up
Because the scent is sweet.
You seep under the door
And into the carpet, the sheets and me.

firstly, i didn't like that section. i don't know why, it just kind of bugs me. i get what you're trying to say but it just doesn't do it for me. i'll be honest, the title is the reason why i avoided this piece earlier on. i know its prejudice on my behalf, but the title put me off completely.

despite all my criticism so far, the rest of the piece was much better. i found it easy to identify with what you were saying, without it being too obvious. however i think that you need to expand some of this, the flow seems to be cut off before you get started. try not to restrict yourself to four lines, unless you have to. this could be made a lot better and made to look a lot less bare if you could expand a bit on some of the ideas you already have. hope this helps.

[yournewhaircut]

Thanks for the advice. It definitely flows kind of like a rocky stream I'd say. If I ever come up with some ideas I'll definitely post. I think for me the way to go would be like layered lines, something that's difficult to portray in text.

It's also difficult to pull off syllabically... oh how I envy the talent of Jesse Lacey...