Ode to Autumn

[to kill this]

Tonight I'll lie face down, breathing in
the sound of the dewey autumn leaves,
stuck to summer's knees, shaken to the ground.
I'll say I've got nothing better than to fall asleep
to the whistle of the city breeze, but in reality...

I'm just another silly lover
passing the time from rhyme to rhyme
waiting for the sunrise to hit my eyes
and break the still, cold silence
of these space heater nights

of these curl up in myself
hope for someone else
to come and lay beside me
softly humming, singing with jimmy
about fireworks and growing up
but, God I've had enough,
I'm not ready for winter,
not ready to miss those months
when I first lost your love.

[Rock]

"breathing in the sound of dewey autumn leaves" doesn't really work for me. Not only because it's not literally possible, but because it doesn't make any sense figuratively either.
I like the concept of "space heater nights," but it's not a very elegant expression.
I'm looking for another noun in the last paragraph. You start off with "of these curl up in myself," which, by itself doesn't make any sense. So I figured you were going to have a long list of descriptions followed by "night" or a similar noun, but that's nowhere to be found. All in all, I like, if only because I can relate.

[to kill this]

"breathing in the sound of dewey autumn leaves" doesn't really work for me. Not only because it's not literally possible, but because it doesn't make any sense figuratively either.
I like the concept of "space heater nights," but it's not a very elegant expression.
I'm looking for another noun in the last paragraph. You start off with "of these curl up in myself," which, by itself doesn't make any sense. So I figured you were going to have a long list of descriptions followed by "night" or a similar noun, but that's nowhere to be found. All in all, I like, if only because I can relate.

thanks :) I understand all the grammatical stuff. Personally, sometimes I write like that and sometimes I don't. This was one of those times; but it does need work. Thanks for the constructive criticism :)

[a speedo model]

Is this about Mike?

[to kill this]

yeah, but more about not wanting to be alone anymore

[ArTkY_]

Is this about Mike?

hahaahhahahahaha, I forgot about all this.

[vandalsandquinn]

as in iHATEapril? ahahhahahaha

[a speedo model]

yeah, but more about not wanting to be alone anymore
Oh, okay just wondering.

[johngorveatte]

i love it.

except the "space heater nights" line.

it just doesn't flow with everything else..

other than that.

awesome.

[to kill this]

i love it.

except the "space heater nights" line.

it just doesn't flow with everything else..

other than that.

awesome.

thanks :) i'm still not really happy with it, it needs some fixing up but i'm too lazy haha