Uncle Sam's Basement Discounts

[mattybobviously]

Alright, this one is a track off of my upcoming EP, it's nearing it's "finished" stage, and I thought I'd throw it up here. Hopefully it'll get more feedback than my last piece :-/



Anyway there's a really weird story behind the piece and where/when I wrote it, but I'll leave it at that, enjoy!
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You can pack your bags and bag the check you’re headed home
Respirators aren’t the only things broken anymore

Amongst the sunken boxes lying there you had your fit, whether
It’s a lack of air or hollowed stare I’ll never get that much of it

[Chorus]
Shake off and take off fast
Shake it off, it’s all over fast
Someday the EMT won’t show
You’re stranded by the things you don’t know

American dreams weren’t built on Twinkee expirations and daytime TV
Clerks yelling out for help don’t realize they’re the answer they seek

You stuttered when you pulled your checkbook
But never demanded to take a second look
If the prescription always exists
Then why’d you never see through it?

[Chorus]
Shake off and take off fast
Shake it off, it’s all over fast
Someday the EMT won’t show
You’re stranded by the things you don’t know

In the panic the number to call rings as a busy line
He’ll speak 45 minutes on news, but each is a waste of time
You talk of people round the world, and the weight they bared
But lately eyes in department stores tell me who’s really scared

[Chorus]
Shake off and take off fast
Shake it off, it’s all over fast
Someday the EMT won’t show
You’re stranded by the things you don’t know

[a speedo model]

I really liked this a lot and would be curious to hear it.

I did not like the lines:
American dreams weren’t built on Twinkee expirations and daytime TV
Clerks yelling out for help don’t realize they’re the answer they seek

The first seemed so straight forward and just too familiar. The second was also just too familiar, not interesting in its imagery. They both are saying some relevent to the piece, but the imagery is just too...cliche?

But nice work, this was very good.

[mattybobviously]

I really liked this a lot and would be curious to hear it.

I did not like the lines:
American dreams weren’t built on Twinkee expirations and daytime TV
Clerks yelling out for help don’t realize they’re the answer they seek

The first seemed so straight forward and just too familiar. The second was also just too familiar, not interesting in its imagery. They both are saying some relevent to the piece, but the imagery is just too...cliche?

But nice work, this was very good.

Thanks for the feedback, glad to hear you enjoyed it. I knew those two lines were going to be brought up, and I can't decide on them myself. While I know they're out of place, they hold meaning to myself. I need to find a way to hold their original worth to the event that sparked the song, whilst maintaining the same lyrical quality throughout.

[mattybobviously]

Bumping it above some of the brilliant works that have been posted lately, hoping I can get one or two more opinions on it.

[lew_1987]

yeah, i liked it. i can imagine it to be quite a mid tempo, straight forward song for some reason. i like the chorus. there are a few bits which were a bit iffy for me, but i'm too tired to point them out. laters