my insides are falling out

[pretyXchemicals]

my insides are falling out
with the sharp pain of being alone
like a knife going through the heart
and the more I think about it, the more the pain grows

I feel like my eyes are gonna dry up and fall out
then ill give them to you
you always said I had beautiful eyes
now they are a gift from me to you

im gonna cough up a lung for you
and pass it in for homework in my class
then you will see what made me breath
maybe you can keep it as the hall pass

my heart is gonna slowly cave in
a painful process that someone like me deserve
will you even notice me scream?
Will you notice anything at all?


-------------------------------------
if anyone has anything to say about what i wrote (good or bad) please tell me

[nards228]

and the more I think about it, the more the pain grows

This is weak. You can do better than that.

I feel like my eyes are gonna dry up and fall out
then ill give them to you
you always said I had beautiful eyes
now they are a gift from me to you

I'm not sure what you were going for here, but it comes off as bizarre, Picasso-like act that doesn't really make much sense.

im gonna cough up a lung for you
and pass it in for homework in my class
maybe you can keep it as the hall pass

Uhh...yeah. If you're going to rhyme, try not to make it fucking weird like that. That doesn't even make sense.

As for your fourth stanza, if you're going to write a poem, at least put all the verbs in the correct tenses.

Overall, I'd say that this poem is shitty, and I'd say that the reason for that is you spent seven minutes writing it. If you think I'm an asshole, fine, but I'm right. You have end rhyme schemes in some places and a meandering conceit/metaphor scheme that is just plain confusing. I'm not sure how you get from your insides falling out to hall passes.

Don't get discouraged by my remarks. I'm just giving you honest feedback. Keep writing, but write about stuff you know, and write about it in real terms. Don't try to be poetic or beautiful or terrible. And don't try to be melodramatic. Nobody likes that shit.



Rennard

[para ser libre]

Rennard
If you think I'm an asshole, fine, but I'm right



I think your an asshole, but YOUR WRONG


It had some good and some bad...


Picasso? what the fuck? those lines are sweet i though, they could be better worded, but i thought the concept i thought was real sweet


I liked the part about "then you can see what made me breathe" but i didn't like the hall pass <- seemed like a forced rhyme


Nobody likes that shit

Rennard, thanks for that, without you everyone might actually be able to speak for themselves...

[nards228]

Picasso - as in cut off a body part and gave it to a lady.

The concept is not sweet because there is no concept. It's just a random, mostly incoherent series of metaphors that somehow relate to removing various body parts and giving them away. And the part about a hall pass isn't bad because of forced rhyme, it's bad because it DOESN'T FUCKING MAKE SENSE.

Try to tell me what that poem is actually about, except for one angry pubescent's reaction against a girlfriend who broke up with him.



Rennard

[pretyXchemicals]

Try to tell me what that poem is actually about, except for one angry pubescent's reaction against a girlfriend who broke up with him.

actualy this isnt about an ex boyfriend or anything like that. its simply about me when i was really sick and couldnt even get myself to get up for school or anything of that. and i was just relating my sickness to my lonely selfishness.

not all poems are about ex boyfriends or girlfriends

[pretyXchemicals]

P.S I guess the whole hall pass thing has to do with my history teacher who uses trash as a hall pass. I thought it was a really creative and weird way to make kids want to stay in class so they didnt have to carry around trash pieces of paper. I guess what i was trying to go for was comparing my heart to a piece of trash. thats probly why it doesnt make sense to anyone on here

[punklet2101]

Originally posted by pretyXchemicals
P.S I guess the whole hall pass thing has to do with my history teacher who uses trash as a hall pass. I thought it was a really creative and weird way to make kids want to stay in class so they didnt have to carry around trash pieces of paper. I guess what i was trying to go for was comparing my heart to a piece of trash. thats probly why it doesnt make sense to anyone on here

Yeah.

There's been some more negative posts generated by the poem .. I'm not a complete expert by any means, but here's what I think.

Sure, it may not be the BEST written poem in the world, but at least the writer has some pretty nice ideas. It's the way that they are communicated that could be improved.

For example, "you always said I had beautiful eyes", and "then you will see what made me breath" .. I liked those ideas.

As someone has said to me, Rome wasn't built in a day. Very true. Keep working on your writing and don't get discouraged. Use critisizm to better your techniques.

Good luck!

[wishingbutdying]

good concept, as was said before, but too much usage of 'you' and some other words. try using metaphors that appeal to readers more versus 'homework' and 'hall pass' althought original choices i might add.

overall: good work and just review what i posted.