Bullshit!!!

[as_we_learn]

This piece is a little different from what I usually write, so I'd love some feed back.

Fire pit with swirling heat,
extinguished by their fiendish fleet of ships.
Spraying us with alcohol,
fueling the field into finding moisture.
Cover up before the rush
and warmth of rough sex brims from within.

Oh god, no one knows who I am.
A cycle of vomit and honesty.
(Bullshit! Bullshit!)
I’m a stagnant stench of hypocrisy.

Enough of the so-called nonsense.
Why such a standard?
Is it your new form of self-control,
a new hold on our sky.
Burning stars filling in your teeth,
ready to bleed through your gums.

Oh god, no one knows who I’ll become.
A cycle of a father’s ambition and wishes.
(We know! We know!)
I’m frightened of the gods in my house.

[as_we_learn]

Bumping it for the second time haha.

[a speedo model]

I don't know about this one, the first verse felt odd reading. The lines were bam bam bam, there was no real flow and they didn't seem to hold the reader's attention.

I did not like the chorus/2ndstanzapart very much. Not that it was bad in general, but none of the lines were stand-alone lines. All would be good if put between really solid lines. So together they sort of felt bland and unable to keep it together.

I liked the third stanza, it was interesting and had a sort of clever simplicity to it. Good job with it.

The last stanza is very good, much better than the first variation of this bridge. It had solid ideas and was a good wrap up for the piece.

Overall, I'd work on the beginning. It sort of stalls and trips up in the beginning possibly causing readers to lose interest and turn away. Sadly so, because the end is quite good.

[as_we_learn]

I don't know about this one, the first verse felt odd reading. The lines were bam bam bam, there was no real flow and they didn't seem to hold the reader's attention.

I did not like the chorus/2ndstanzapart very much. Not that it was bad in general, but none of the lines were stand-alone lines. All would be good if put between really solid lines. So together they sort of felt bland and unable to keep it together.

I liked the third stanza, it was interesting and had a sort of clever simplicity to it. Good job with it.

The last stanza is very good, much better than the first variation of this bridge. It had solid ideas and was a good wrap up for the piece.

Overall, I'd work on the beginning. It sort of stalls and trips up in the beginning possibly causing readers to lose interest and turn away. Sadly so, because the end is quite good.
Thanks a lot Josiah. I have been re-writing this for a few hours now and I'm hoping it's to your liking and up to quality as well. I see the problem with flow in the first stanza and the second stanza being bland and a bit awkward. Here's the revision:

There’s a light inside flickering
behind my eyes, blinding my sight.
Faulty deities betraying me
with their charismatic tactics.
I’ve lost half my conscience
in between the cushions of their practice.

Oh god, we‘ve lost our Queen.
Defied by her closets of kin.
(She’s sold! She’s sold!)
I’m the soldier that once carried her torch.

Enough of the so-called nonsense.
Why such a standard?
Is it your new form of self-control,
a new hold on our sky.
Burning stars filling in your teeth,
ready to bleed through your gums.

Oh god, no one knows who I’ll become.
A cycle of a father’s ambition and wishes.
(We know! We know!)
I’m frightened of the gods in my home.

[lostfear]

Admit It!!!!!

[as_we_learn]

Admit It!!!!!
JAKE!!!!!!! hahahaha. What do you think of the piece?

[kait.]

"Defied by her closets of kin." -> you meant "closest", right?

i like the revision better, definitely. not sure about the "charismatic tactics" bit; a little too much dissonance for me. the 2nd stanza i really like, especially the first and last lines. as for the last stanza - i agree, i think it's a great stanza, but i still think it doesn't quite fit the rest of the piece. just the tone of it. but i'm just nit-picking. love that final line, though.

[as_we_learn]

"Defied by her closets of kin." -> you meant "closest", right?

i like the revision better, definitely. not sure about the "charismatic tactics" bit; a little too much dissonance for me. the 2nd stanza i really like, especially the first and last lines. as for the last stanza - i agree, i think it's a great stanza, but i still think it doesn't quite fit the rest of the piece. just the tone of it. but i'm just nit-picking. love that final line, though.
Yeah I did mean closest, thanks for pointing that out for me. I'm glad you like the revision better. I agree though that the last stanza seems a little out of place. I'm glad you love that final line. Thanks again Kait.