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xidreamofyou32x
11/11/07, 06:12 PM
So this isn't a poem or lyrics or a story, it's one of the essays I wrote for college applications, about a talent I have and how it relates to my personality. I'd be extremely appreciated if people could read it and tell me what they think.


“A Closer Look”

It’s six o’ clock on a cool October evening at Venice Beach and the sky is bright, motionless, signaling that it’s almost time. As I sit in the sand waiting for the sun to sink down into the water below, a slight breeze sends a stream of mist across my face. Barely noticing, I remain transfixed on the coming moment, my camera ready in my hands. Formally a person with not much interest in this type of activity, the art of photography has transformed me into a young woman I’m not yet fully acquainted with, but would very much like to get to know.

My first encounter with photo taking came a few summers back on a family trip to La Jolla beach. Seeing the natural beauty of the location, I felt compelled to capture it on film. Being a quiet person with not much self confidence for the majority of my life, I usually shyed away from cameras. Now, with my camera’s smooth metal in my palm, I felt in control. Snapping photo after photo of the alluring scenery, from the cave my sister was playing in to the bright mid-day sunlight reflecting on the water, I felt accomplished in forever capturing a moment in time. For one of the first times in my life, I felt confident in something I had created and now my appetite longed for more.

Since that day I am scarcely seen without a camera in my hand. My photography talent has led me to many places I wouldn’t have otherwise ventured and has caused me to seek out new objects to photograph. This newfound talent has, in addition to my increased confidence, broadened my perspective. I often find myself taking more time to examine the smaller aspects of everyday life, objects I passed by a million times before but never really seemed to see. The broken fence surrounding a neighbor’s house, which was once nothing more then a flash in the corner of my eye, has now became a fascinating object of color and texture and has caused me much wonder about the nature of its deterioration. The same thing now happens when I look at people. Before I often found it hard to make friends. I was too quick to judge people and dismissed them before even striking up a conversation. I now take a deeper look at people that stretches far beyond first impression. This practice has given me a few life-long friendships that I am forever grateful for.

The sun is now making it’s way toward the water’s surface. I stand up, amazed by the array of colors that now fill the sky. I press my finger to the camera’s round button and a flash fills the area surrounding me. A moment later the image appears on the screen. I smile, for I’m proud of the art work I’ve just created. I raise my camera again, ready for a second shot. They say a photograph is worth a thousand words and I intend to give every word meaning.

thetrueblood
11/11/07, 06:58 PM
So this isn't a poem or lyrics or a story, it's one of the essays I wrote for college applications, about a talent I have and how it relates to my personality. I'd be extremely appreciated if people could read it and tell me what they think.


“A Closer Look”

It’s six o’ clock on a cool October evening at Venice Beach, and the sky is bright, motionless, signaling that it’s almost time.
you don't need a comma after venice beach.


As I sit in the sand waiting for the sun to sink down into the water below, a slight breeze sends a stream of mist across my face. Barely noticing, I remain transfixed on the coming moment, my camera ready in my hands. Formally a person with not much interest in this type of activity, the art of photography has transformed me into a young woman I’m not yet fully acquainted with, but would very much like to get to know.
The last sentence sits really uneasy with me. It seems like you're just trying to force your way into the topic and out of this scene you setup. Make it fit. Something like "As i sit and wait for the perfect moment, I take time to reflect on the young woman photography has transformed me in to."


My first encounter with photo taking came a few summers back, on a family trip to La Jolla beach.
no comma needed.

Seeing the natural beauty of the location, I felt compelled to capture it on film. Being a quiet person with not much self confidence for the majority of my life, I’d usually shyed away from cameras..
"I'd shyed" should just be I usually shyed, or I would shy


Now, with our camera’s smooth metal in my palm, I felt in control. Snapping photo after photo of the alluring scenery, from the cave my sister was playing in to the bright mid-day sunlight reflecting on the water, I felt accomplished in forever capturing a moment in time. For one of the first times in my life, I felt confident in sometime I had created, and now my appetite longed for more...
who's camera is it? "our" has no subject. I would just use "my"
Also, no comma after "created" and before "and"


Since that day I am scarcely seen without a camera in my hand or in my pocket. My photography talent has led me to many places I wouldn’t have otherwise ventured, and has caused me to seek out new objects to photograph.

adding "in my pocket" takes away from the sentence. You can say camera in hand and people will get the idea without being so literal. again, no comma before and.


This newfound talent has, in addition to my increased confidence, broadened my perspective. I often find myself taking more time to examine the smaller aspects of everyday life, things I’d pasted by a million times before but never really seemed to see.

As a general rule, try not to use 'thing' or 'things' in your writing. It's a garbage word that doesn't add meaning to any sentence. Instead, think about what the "things" are and replace it with that.
pasted by? is that just a typo? Also again, the I'd before "pasted" wouldn't make sense.


The broken fence surrounding a neighbor’s house, which was once nothing more then a flash in the corner of my eye, has now became a fascinating object of color and texture, and has caused me much wonder about the nature of its deterioration.
no comma and


The same thing now happens when I look at people. Before I often found it hard to make friends, because being too quiet to strike up a conversation, I’ll admit that I was often too quick to judge people, dismissing them at first glance. I now look harder at people, looking far beyond first impression. This practice has given me a few life-long friendships that I am forever grateful for


The second sentence is a jumbled mess of bad grammar and a run-on sentence.
Try something like "Before, I often found it hard to make friends. I was too shy to strike up a conversation and, I'll admit, I was too quick to judge people." Also, I don't think "harder" is capturing the way you now look at people. Search for a new word.

The sun is now making it’s way toward the water’s surface. I stand up, amazed by the array of colors that now fill the sky. I press my finger to the camera’s round button and a flash fills the area surrounding me. A moment later the image fills the screen. I smile, for I’m proud of art work I’ve just created. I raise my camera again, ready for a second shot. They say a photograph is worth a thousand words, and I intend to make every word mean something.
again the comma/and. "something" draws away from the topic, it's just as bland as "thing"
Try "and I intend to give every word meaning"


Overall, I like it. I like the way that you open and close with the story line of taking a photograph. There's good imagery in those paragraphs. Wrinkle out the gramatical errors because you don't want the reader to be distracted from what you're trying to get across because he's took busy picking it apart for errors. Anyways, good luck! I hope you get into the college of your choice.

xidreamofyou32x
11/11/07, 09:20 PM
thanks for all your help! I fixed what you suggested. Wow, I really went crazy with all the commas. Yeah, 'pasted' was a typo, I meant to say 'passed.'

thetrueblood
11/11/07, 09:58 PM
thanks for all your help! I fixed what you suggested. Wow, I really went crazy with all the commas. Yeah, 'pasted' was a typo, I meant to say 'passed.'

No problem. I used to overuse commas a lot as well-- Until my senior year in HS when I had a really awesome English teacher. I scanned through it again quickly and it seemed to flow a lot better. I would also recommend asking an English teacher at your school to read it over before sending it off.