Milonater
10/23/03, 09:34 AM
A few things.
1) I know I need to get a life. Don't bother telling me that again.
2) If you don't want to read this, don't. I can see a bunch of you reaching for that back button :D.
SO YOU WANT TO BE GOOD AT THRIFT STORE SHOPPING COURSE 101
Welcome Cadet! So you want to be great at thrift shopping eh? It's easier said then done, I should let you know. But lucky for you, seasoned pro Joel (that being myself, obviously) is here to help. With my program, you will learn the basics of successful shopping. The rest is up to you. Remember, the only person who can help you is YOU, I'm just here to give you some guidance. That being said, strap yourself in, this may take awhile!
=================================== =================================== =========
Step 1: The training course.
This is the most important aspect of this entire program. If you're not willing to train, I'm sorry, but you can never succeed, not only at this, but at anything in life. So, if you're too lazy to practice and make perfect, then shred this piece of paper immediately. If not, continue reading:
- Part One - The Physical Training
This part of the course will help to ensure you stay at your physical peak. After all, it's hard to look for deals when you are fat and slower than a one legged horse. What's more is that often when you find that perfect shirt/dress/pair of gently used panties that you want, someone else will have found it as well..at the same time! If you're not trained and strong and ready to stand up for yourself, you will LOSE, and the other person will take your beloved and tresured island, and since this is thrift store shopping and not CHOCHY MALL GIRL SHOPPING, you will never find anything like that item again. EVER. So this is crucial.
- Do at least 15 jumping jacks a day. Why? so you can jump and kick your opponent right in the ticker.
This also builds cardiovascular endurance, something extremely important for when you are running like crazy through those isles.
-Set up a bunch of tires like those awesome football jocks use. This way you can practice for those times when the enemy is leaping at your feet trying to trip you so that they can get that precious something. If you can navigate your way through tires, you're ready for anything!
- Chin-ups - This builds up your arms so that not only can you carry more items at once, you can also pack a much harder punch when that old lady tries to steal your "The Elephant Show" shirt.
-Tae-bo. Contrary to popular opinion, this is most assuredly the deadliest martial art. They won't even know what hit them after you yell DOUBLE TIME!!! enthusiastically and start swinging your arms like a mexican dancer on crack. And after every single deadly blow, you'll know just how to pose for maximum coolness factor. Billy Blanks would be so proud.
- Master the body check. Nothing renders an enemy shopper more senseless than an unexpected hip thrust into the "trenchcoat" section. This will definately buy you time. Not suggested for use on parents, boyfriends, siblings, grandparents, etc. Failure to comply with that suggestion will result in you being grounded and/or spanked very harshly. And we all know what that's like.
Part Two: Remembering Stupid Rhymes Might Actually Help You If You're Weird Like That.
Remember: Don't be naughty, strengthen your body! A workout a day makes the flab go away!
I'm sure if you can remember those two meaningful rhymes, you will succeed. I wish you luck.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step 2: Mental Preparation
What? You didn't know shopping was a mind exercise? Oh yes, yes it is. Thrift store shopping has everything to do with your mental well being. You will not shop as successfully if you enter the store depressed, sad, angry, empty-headed, distracted, etc.. If your mind cannot concentrate, a great body is useless. We learned this from Mike Tyson after he decided to chow down on someone's ear, meaning he was quite obviously insane, and not mentally prepared. We don't want any ear biting out of you, so this part of the course is just as important.
Part One: The Happy Place
- Find your happy place before entering the store. We all have one, and almost none of us share the same one. For instance, my happy place is in an A&W surrounded by the band Finch who is playing a gig behind the counter while the 2 papas for $5 sale is on, and every single girl there is wearing a cowboy hat, has intensely green, blue, or any other assorted awesome colour of eyes and thinks I'm really sexy, and I'm sharing my meal with Bob Saget discussing his career. I doubt this is even remotely close to yours. I doubt this place will ever exist, and perhaps that's a good thing. Just think of a place where everything is ideal and perfect for you. Go there. No, not physically, because there is no palce on earth everything is ideal, you big idiot. Go there in your MIND! (If that isn't crazy hippy talk I don't know what is).
Part Two: Visualization Makes For Domination!
- Visualize. See yourself inside the store. See yourself fighting off any other loser trying to steal your clothing that you love and cannot live life without. See yourself proudly taking out your wallet as the woman behind the counter says "Today is 50% off day, that will be $7.99 for the 13 shirts. See yourself as a champion, no, not a champion, a DOMINATOR. If you can see it happening, you have a better chance of making the dream come alive.
- Repeat some sort of crazy slogan in your head. Make one up like: Yes, I AM a thrift shopping goddess! Yes, I WILL find a brand new shirt today! Some stupid crap like that. I'm not sure if this will help or anything, but it sounds like a good idea so why not?
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step Three: Secret Tactics to Save You Time
Here's a few time savers that will maximize your shopping potential. I suggest using one or all of them.
-Wear running shoes, never sandals. Sandals fall off, and reveal your toes, something you may not be proud of if your toes are strange looking like mine. Also, the enemy can easily stomp on your toes this way, rendering you in pain. To avoid this, stuff a piece of foam into the toe of your shoe so it sits on top of your foot. That way when they go for the toes, you can laugh and say "HAHA! NOT TODAY SUCKER!" or something along those general lines.
- Don't carry a purse. Nothing sucks more than having your purse get hooked on something and jerking you back while you are running, giving you whiplash and a face full of carpet. Or even worse, a ruined purse. That rhymed. Anyways! Carry nothing but an easy to open wallet, none of those crazy snaps/button maneuvers, just a simple velcro one will do. Keep this on a chain so nobody can steal it, and because you look way cooler that way.
- Don't go with friends. Remember this simple motto: Enter with friends, the fun ends. Enter alone, take lots home. Friends quickly turn into enemies when in shopping situations. Never take friends.
- Aerodynamics. Don't wear a parka into a thrift store. Wear something that will allow you maximum leverage for running purposes. Nothing like being physically ready and having your clothes slow you down.
- The "under the arm" clothing hold. When you hold clothes under your arm rather than over it like some chochy girls do, people will have a much harder time stealing it from you. This is great because when you realize someone is trying to grab your plunder, you have time enough to turn around and punt them in the face, or better yet, use your new found tae-bo double time skills on them. They'll never know what hit em.
- Use your nose. If clothing smells like an old dead lady was formerly wearing it, it's probably not a good idea to purchase it, unless it is really super cool. This also applies with odours such as: marijuana, smoke, sewage, sweat, etc.
- A keen eye is always important. While running and flipping through shirts as fast as you can, you practically need to be like a speed reader. One glimpse should tell you if something is YAY or GAY. Practice this by having a friend draw some logos on cue cards of some companies you love and some companies you hate, or basic things you love and would like on a shirt versus things you would not. Have them flip through as fast as they can and you have to say "yay" or "gay". If you say the wrong thing, your friend gets to slap you across the face as hard as they possibly can. This teaches quickly, there is no excuse for failure. You are a machine.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step 4: Handling Emergency Situations
So you've done everything right, you've trained, worked hard, and mentally prepared yourself as well as using some of my secret tactics. But let's face it, sometimes bad things happen to the best of us, and something goes wrong. Here's how to handle various bad things that can happen to you while shopping.
- Shoelace comes untied: Discard shoes. Shoes are not important. If shoes stolen, by new velcro ones from walmart for $10. You'll be all the rage at highschool, people will think you are anti-corporation, something respectable for sure.
- Pants falling down: Discard pants. Pants are not important. If pants stolen, by new "elastic waist band" set from walmart, endorsed by Mary Kate and Ashley. People will think you're cool.
- Dropped clothing purchases: Pick them up, retard.
-Someone else grabs the shirt/pants/jacket/undergarment you were just about to grab: Proceed to kick them in the face/shins/stomach/neck in that order. If subject fails to hit the ground moaning in pain, unleash fury of tae-bo upon their skull. Be sure to yell "DOUBLE TIME!" for maximum ferociousness.
-Not enough money to pay for purchases: Admittedly in a thrift store, this is a rare one. Simply convince the clerk that you are homeless and are buying for your entire family, which is also homeless and lives in a box. This is all the money you could save after 3 months of putting on a street-side circus involving your father being a clown. Discuss mental implications of the aforementioned and how you will need therapy for the rest of your life. They'll let you have them, trust me.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step Five: Practice Makes Perfect.
If I really need to explain this one, you're too stupid to ever be good at this sort of thing anyways.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Once you've done and learned and mastered all of the above, feel free to print yourself off a certificate that says "HOORAY! I AM NOW AN AWSOME THRIFT STORE SHOPPER!" if it will make you feel validated. I'm glad you took the time to sign up for this course, and I sincerely hope I have helped you along in your shopping ways. Remember, don't tell your friends about this, or they might try to rip you off and steal your clothing. And nothing is messier than two people going head on head when equipped with the awesome power I have just bestowed on you. Merry shopping!!!!!
Joel
1) I know I need to get a life. Don't bother telling me that again.
2) If you don't want to read this, don't. I can see a bunch of you reaching for that back button :D.
SO YOU WANT TO BE GOOD AT THRIFT STORE SHOPPING COURSE 101
Welcome Cadet! So you want to be great at thrift shopping eh? It's easier said then done, I should let you know. But lucky for you, seasoned pro Joel (that being myself, obviously) is here to help. With my program, you will learn the basics of successful shopping. The rest is up to you. Remember, the only person who can help you is YOU, I'm just here to give you some guidance. That being said, strap yourself in, this may take awhile!
=================================== =================================== =========
Step 1: The training course.
This is the most important aspect of this entire program. If you're not willing to train, I'm sorry, but you can never succeed, not only at this, but at anything in life. So, if you're too lazy to practice and make perfect, then shred this piece of paper immediately. If not, continue reading:
- Part One - The Physical Training
This part of the course will help to ensure you stay at your physical peak. After all, it's hard to look for deals when you are fat and slower than a one legged horse. What's more is that often when you find that perfect shirt/dress/pair of gently used panties that you want, someone else will have found it as well..at the same time! If you're not trained and strong and ready to stand up for yourself, you will LOSE, and the other person will take your beloved and tresured island, and since this is thrift store shopping and not CHOCHY MALL GIRL SHOPPING, you will never find anything like that item again. EVER. So this is crucial.
- Do at least 15 jumping jacks a day. Why? so you can jump and kick your opponent right in the ticker.
This also builds cardiovascular endurance, something extremely important for when you are running like crazy through those isles.
-Set up a bunch of tires like those awesome football jocks use. This way you can practice for those times when the enemy is leaping at your feet trying to trip you so that they can get that precious something. If you can navigate your way through tires, you're ready for anything!
- Chin-ups - This builds up your arms so that not only can you carry more items at once, you can also pack a much harder punch when that old lady tries to steal your "The Elephant Show" shirt.
-Tae-bo. Contrary to popular opinion, this is most assuredly the deadliest martial art. They won't even know what hit them after you yell DOUBLE TIME!!! enthusiastically and start swinging your arms like a mexican dancer on crack. And after every single deadly blow, you'll know just how to pose for maximum coolness factor. Billy Blanks would be so proud.
- Master the body check. Nothing renders an enemy shopper more senseless than an unexpected hip thrust into the "trenchcoat" section. This will definately buy you time. Not suggested for use on parents, boyfriends, siblings, grandparents, etc. Failure to comply with that suggestion will result in you being grounded and/or spanked very harshly. And we all know what that's like.
Part Two: Remembering Stupid Rhymes Might Actually Help You If You're Weird Like That.
Remember: Don't be naughty, strengthen your body! A workout a day makes the flab go away!
I'm sure if you can remember those two meaningful rhymes, you will succeed. I wish you luck.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step 2: Mental Preparation
What? You didn't know shopping was a mind exercise? Oh yes, yes it is. Thrift store shopping has everything to do with your mental well being. You will not shop as successfully if you enter the store depressed, sad, angry, empty-headed, distracted, etc.. If your mind cannot concentrate, a great body is useless. We learned this from Mike Tyson after he decided to chow down on someone's ear, meaning he was quite obviously insane, and not mentally prepared. We don't want any ear biting out of you, so this part of the course is just as important.
Part One: The Happy Place
- Find your happy place before entering the store. We all have one, and almost none of us share the same one. For instance, my happy place is in an A&W surrounded by the band Finch who is playing a gig behind the counter while the 2 papas for $5 sale is on, and every single girl there is wearing a cowboy hat, has intensely green, blue, or any other assorted awesome colour of eyes and thinks I'm really sexy, and I'm sharing my meal with Bob Saget discussing his career. I doubt this is even remotely close to yours. I doubt this place will ever exist, and perhaps that's a good thing. Just think of a place where everything is ideal and perfect for you. Go there. No, not physically, because there is no palce on earth everything is ideal, you big idiot. Go there in your MIND! (If that isn't crazy hippy talk I don't know what is).
Part Two: Visualization Makes For Domination!
- Visualize. See yourself inside the store. See yourself fighting off any other loser trying to steal your clothing that you love and cannot live life without. See yourself proudly taking out your wallet as the woman behind the counter says "Today is 50% off day, that will be $7.99 for the 13 shirts. See yourself as a champion, no, not a champion, a DOMINATOR. If you can see it happening, you have a better chance of making the dream come alive.
- Repeat some sort of crazy slogan in your head. Make one up like: Yes, I AM a thrift shopping goddess! Yes, I WILL find a brand new shirt today! Some stupid crap like that. I'm not sure if this will help or anything, but it sounds like a good idea so why not?
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step Three: Secret Tactics to Save You Time
Here's a few time savers that will maximize your shopping potential. I suggest using one or all of them.
-Wear running shoes, never sandals. Sandals fall off, and reveal your toes, something you may not be proud of if your toes are strange looking like mine. Also, the enemy can easily stomp on your toes this way, rendering you in pain. To avoid this, stuff a piece of foam into the toe of your shoe so it sits on top of your foot. That way when they go for the toes, you can laugh and say "HAHA! NOT TODAY SUCKER!" or something along those general lines.
- Don't carry a purse. Nothing sucks more than having your purse get hooked on something and jerking you back while you are running, giving you whiplash and a face full of carpet. Or even worse, a ruined purse. That rhymed. Anyways! Carry nothing but an easy to open wallet, none of those crazy snaps/button maneuvers, just a simple velcro one will do. Keep this on a chain so nobody can steal it, and because you look way cooler that way.
- Don't go with friends. Remember this simple motto: Enter with friends, the fun ends. Enter alone, take lots home. Friends quickly turn into enemies when in shopping situations. Never take friends.
- Aerodynamics. Don't wear a parka into a thrift store. Wear something that will allow you maximum leverage for running purposes. Nothing like being physically ready and having your clothes slow you down.
- The "under the arm" clothing hold. When you hold clothes under your arm rather than over it like some chochy girls do, people will have a much harder time stealing it from you. This is great because when you realize someone is trying to grab your plunder, you have time enough to turn around and punt them in the face, or better yet, use your new found tae-bo double time skills on them. They'll never know what hit em.
- Use your nose. If clothing smells like an old dead lady was formerly wearing it, it's probably not a good idea to purchase it, unless it is really super cool. This also applies with odours such as: marijuana, smoke, sewage, sweat, etc.
- A keen eye is always important. While running and flipping through shirts as fast as you can, you practically need to be like a speed reader. One glimpse should tell you if something is YAY or GAY. Practice this by having a friend draw some logos on cue cards of some companies you love and some companies you hate, or basic things you love and would like on a shirt versus things you would not. Have them flip through as fast as they can and you have to say "yay" or "gay". If you say the wrong thing, your friend gets to slap you across the face as hard as they possibly can. This teaches quickly, there is no excuse for failure. You are a machine.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step 4: Handling Emergency Situations
So you've done everything right, you've trained, worked hard, and mentally prepared yourself as well as using some of my secret tactics. But let's face it, sometimes bad things happen to the best of us, and something goes wrong. Here's how to handle various bad things that can happen to you while shopping.
- Shoelace comes untied: Discard shoes. Shoes are not important. If shoes stolen, by new velcro ones from walmart for $10. You'll be all the rage at highschool, people will think you are anti-corporation, something respectable for sure.
- Pants falling down: Discard pants. Pants are not important. If pants stolen, by new "elastic waist band" set from walmart, endorsed by Mary Kate and Ashley. People will think you're cool.
- Dropped clothing purchases: Pick them up, retard.
-Someone else grabs the shirt/pants/jacket/undergarment you were just about to grab: Proceed to kick them in the face/shins/stomach/neck in that order. If subject fails to hit the ground moaning in pain, unleash fury of tae-bo upon their skull. Be sure to yell "DOUBLE TIME!" for maximum ferociousness.
-Not enough money to pay for purchases: Admittedly in a thrift store, this is a rare one. Simply convince the clerk that you are homeless and are buying for your entire family, which is also homeless and lives in a box. This is all the money you could save after 3 months of putting on a street-side circus involving your father being a clown. Discuss mental implications of the aforementioned and how you will need therapy for the rest of your life. They'll let you have them, trust me.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Step Five: Practice Makes Perfect.
If I really need to explain this one, you're too stupid to ever be good at this sort of thing anyways.
=================================== =================================== ==========
Once you've done and learned and mastered all of the above, feel free to print yourself off a certificate that says "HOORAY! I AM NOW AN AWSOME THRIFT STORE SHOPPER!" if it will make you feel validated. I'm glad you took the time to sign up for this course, and I sincerely hope I have helped you along in your shopping ways. Remember, don't tell your friends about this, or they might try to rip you off and steal your clothing. And nothing is messier than two people going head on head when equipped with the awesome power I have just bestowed on you. Merry shopping!!!!!
Joel