Black Hole Lights The Way

[GhostMachine]

Watched the glowing moon,
fall to pieces on the new year's dawn,
held my heart close to the sand,
felt my death burning in my head,
while all the world I loved,
faded to pieces below the surface...

Snow fall in the middle of May's warmth,
disoriented tales of war,
brought back from the grocery stores.

Old men in their underwear,
screaming of vietnam scares,
while children ride the 25 cent rocketships.

Parents leave them to get candy from strangers,
dark vans and bedrooms full of pictures,
echoes of the history slowly seep into the seeds,
youth begins to breed the new age of family.

While we fall into the black hole,
forgotten in all except for the ancient tomes,
we've become nothing more than sounds in the stereo,
just static in between the lines of the radioes.

Dependent on the animation of nightmares,
imagination slowly warping reality,
lost inside the fucking TV,
all people seem to be lost inside of the fantasies.

Falling into a black hole,
we're becoming lost in ancient tomes,
nothing more than sounds in a stereo,
this place is nothing but lines on a radio.

Shattered by the lack of existence,
hollowed out by the pointless visions,
dreamers no longer dreaming,
vacant minds fill lobbies,
the light in eyes have fallen away.

[a speedo model]

I actually enjoyed this. Some parts are a bit too blunt, particularly the 3rd and 4th stanzas. They aren't bad, but they just don't create any emotional reaction which considering the subject matter they should.

Also, the topic felt a bit too familiar. It didn't really take the idea in any new direction, so it borders on uninteresting. But like I said, I did enjoy this. Nice job.

[GhostMachine]

I'm curious as to what you think the topic of this piece is.

[a speedo model]

From my first and second impression of it, it seemed to be a focus on today's society and its evolution from what it had been and possibly its downfall. :shrug: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I figured that the topic would be obvious since that is usually the point of writing.

[GhostMachine]

Very good...though that point of writing is not the topic itself but the journey of expression through an elder means of interpreting the world. It's more than just that though...the topic, as you stated quite correctly, is also a deeper reflection of the beauty of the changes. The amazement and disgust of the lack of abilty to adapt or adjust to change that makes up most people.
And I previously didn't mention this, but thank you for taking the time to read it. It'll be better performed later this week.

[kait.]

maybe it's just because the subject is so often used, but i think this would be better if it were more succint. you have some great bits in here.
held my heart close to the sand,
felt my death burning in my head,
i adore that. don't like the two lines that follow, because - i guess i feel like i was set up to anticipate some pivotal line, and instead what's there is more of a cliche.
Snow fall in the middle of May's warmth,
i just don't like images of snow coming when it shouldn't. too common.

the next bit, i agree with josiah - not enough emotional impact, but the bit with the 25 cent rocketships did catch my attention for a moment. the following stanza ("Parents leave them...") i don't care for. it's - um, i don't know, it's predictable and regular and banal.

the stereo and radio image i've been hearing a lot lately, so i don't like that, but i like your rendition of "in between the lines of the radioes" (i think the plural form is "radios", btw); it fits with the static image well.
Dependent on the animation of nightmares,
imagination slowly warping reality,
Shattered by the lack of existence,
hollowed out by the pointless visions,
dreamers no longer dreaming,
vacant minds fill lobbies,
the light in eyes have fallen away.
thought the beginning of this stanza was too common. like the line about lobbies. the final line i can overlook, it being the end of the poem.

for me, after i read that a few times over, what really sticks with me is the first four lines, a general feel of disintigration and something about distortion/warping, and then the "chorus" part.

[kait.]

it did something weird to my post. this is what i said about the "Dependent on the animation..." line - too long of a thought. it bored me.