View Full Version : Carve your name into this bullet.
ITS LIKE A GUN TO MY HEAD
WITH THE TRIGGER SLIGHTLY MOVING
ITS LIKE A GUN TO MY HEAD
EMPTY MINDED BUT THE BARREL FULLY LOADED
CARVE YOUR NAME INTO THIS BULLET
LET ME KNOW WHO REALLY MEANT IT
BETTER YOU THAN I THAT PULL IT
I GUESS YOUR REALLY MEANT IT.
THESE NIGHTS DEMAND, FOR ONE OF OUR SILENT TRIPS
MY EYES COMMAND, FOLLOWED BY YOUR VIOLENT LIPS
IS THIS ENOUGH
IS THIS ENOUGH.
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S STATE THE OBVIOUS
YOU CANT SAY I NEVER TRIED, I CANT SAY YOU NEVER CAUGHT ON TO THIS(ON TO THIS)
IM A SAD EXCUSE, YOU SAID. I SCREAM I DONT WANT TO HEAR HER
FIGURE OUT THE POINT OF YOUR LIFE, SCATTERED LIKE THE CRACKS ON A BROKEN MIRROR
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S TAKE THE SAFE WAY HOME
IF YOU NEVER LIED, YOU WOULD NEVER BEEN ALONE.
PLEASE DON'T CHOKE ON EVERY LIE YOU TELL
SAFER WAY TO HEAVEN, THAN YOUR DESTINED WAY TO HELL
YOU WERE BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS
SPREADING LIKE POISION, HOLDING ME DOWN LIKE GODS GIVEN CHAINS
THIS IS WHY I LEFT.
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S STATE THE OBVIOUS
YOU CANT SAY I NEVER TRIED, I CANT SAY YOU NEVER CAUGHT ON TO THIS(ON TO THIS)
IM A SAD EXCUSE, YOU SAID. I SCREAM I DONT WANT TO HEAR HER
FIGURE OUT THE POINT OF YOUR LIFE, SCATTERED LIKE THE CRACKS ON A BROKEN MIRROR
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S TAKE THE SAFE WAY HOME
IF YOU NEVER LIED, YOU WOULD NEVER BERN ALONE.
IF YOU NEVER LIED, YOU WOULD NEVER BEEN ALONE X2
Copyright (C) To me.
a speedo model
11/13/07, 02:26 PM
Is this for real?
a speedo model
11/13/07, 02:34 PM
Do you think it's good? An honest question.
Mhm. I believe any lyrics you put your heart into is good.
a speedo model
11/13/07, 03:33 PM
So by that you could say that anything one puts their heart into is good?
Do you see where I'm going with this...?
Well not anything,
I believe it is good because it's what I go through. I truly put my heart into my songs. Others may say they do but they usually don't. This what I do, this to me is good.
Thank you artky.
TheOtherAndrew
11/13/07, 05:01 PM
Copyright (C) To me.
:lol:
joshy hizzle
11/13/07, 05:02 PM
Sorta cliche, but not bad.
I have more original work, but fail to post it.
I will post more originals, I just wanted to see what this site was about before I dive right in.
OveriseFan
11/13/07, 05:14 PM
I have more original work, but fail to post it.
I will post more originals, I just wanted to see what this site was about before I dive right in.
Don't call us, we'll call you.
I'm a little confused with your statement.
Were you implying that as an insult?
matt_rawlings
11/13/07, 05:58 PM
Carve your name into your face with a boxcutter...then throw yourself onto an exploding firework
Grow up. You probably don't write that well of lyrics yourself. Don't insult me and my writing unless you can back yourself up with your own. If you don't like it fine, but implying statements like that is immature, and just plain stupid.
mattybobviously
11/13/07, 06:22 PM
ITS LIKE A GUN TO MY HEAD
WITH THE TRIGGER SLIGHTLY MOVING
ITS LIKE A GUN TO MY HEAD
EMPTY MINDED BUT THE BARREL FULLY LOADED
CARVE YOUR NAME INTO THIS BULLET
LET ME KNOW WHO REALLY MEANT IT
BETTER YOU THAN I THAT PULL IT
I GUESS YOUR REALLY MEANT IT.
I really love the imagery of the trigger only "slightly" moving here, it really made me sit back and reflect. I definitely connected with the third and forth lines, haven't we all carved names in the sides of bullets before? The end of this verse I had a couple of problems with though. If they pull the trigger, isn't the singer's brains now spewed across the living room, rendering him incapable of continuing the song? Just wondering.
THESE NIGHTS DEMAND, FOR ONE OF OUR SILENT TRIPS
MY EYES COMMAND, FOLLOWED BY YOUR VIOLENT LIPS
IS THIS ENOUGH
IS THIS ENOUGH.
I don't know if this is enough.
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S STATE THE OBVIOUS
YOU CANT SAY I NEVER TRIED, I CANT SAY YOU NEVER CAUGHT ON TO THIS(ON TO THIS)
IM A SAD EXCUSE, YOU SAID. I SCREAM I DONT WANT TO HEAR HER
FIGURE OUT THE POINT OF YOUR LIFE, SCATTERED LIKE THE CRACKS ON A BROKEN MIRROR
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S TAKE THE SAFE WAY HOME
IF YOU NEVER LIED, YOU WOULD NEVER BEEN ALONE.
I totally can related to the part about you said I scream. Sometimes I feel like there's a lonely girl inside me, so I can really tie in well to this idea.
PLEASE DON'T CHOKE ON EVERY LIE YOU TELL
SAFER WAY TO HEAVEN, THAN YOUR DESTINED WAY TO HELL
YOU WERE BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS
SPREADING LIKE POISION, HOLDING ME DOWN LIKE GODS GIVEN CHAINS
THIS IS WHY I LEFT.
Yeah fuck God's chains man, this verse would be great if there was some screaming and maybe violent noises, I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas here. Do you have a band/myspace link for said band? I'd love to hear this.
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S STATE THE OBVIOUS
YOU CANT SAY I NEVER TRIED, I CANT SAY YOU NEVER CAUGHT ON TO THIS(ON TO THIS)
IM A SAD EXCUSE, YOU SAID. I SCREAM I DONT WANT TO HEAR HER
FIGURE OUT THE POINT OF YOUR LIFE, SCATTERED LIKE THE CRACKS ON A BROKEN MIRROR
LONELY BROKEN GIRL INSIDE, LET'S TAKE THE SAFE WAY HOME
IF YOU NEVER LIED, YOU WOULD NEVER BERN ALONE.
I like this part even better the second time.
IF YOU NEVER LIED, YOU WOULD NEVER BEEN ALONE X2
This should def. be some gang vocals.
Copyright (C) To me.
Damn I was going to steal this for my band. Well shit, got me there.
mattybobviously
11/13/07, 06:25 PM
Grow up. You probably don't write that well of lyrics yourself. Don't insult me and my writing unless you can back yourself up with your own. If you don't like it fine, but implying statements like that is immature, and just plain stupid.
You totally hit the nail on the head here man, Rawlings is awful at music. His lyrics have all sorts of lame stuff like imagery and metaphors, all that useless shit.
I currently am working with my band to get this song done.
I like your advice and I think I may switch some things around :}
Thank you so much!
You guys rock :]
matt_rawlings
11/13/07, 06:51 PM
You totally hit the nail on the head here man, Rawlings is awful at music. His lyrics have all sorts of lame stuff like imagery and metaphors, all that useless shit.
Yep...and don't even get me started on lyrical depth or vocabulary
mattybobviously
11/13/07, 07:01 PM
Yep...and don't even get me started on lyrical depth or vocabulary
Oh definitely, nothing upsets me more then when someone crafts a beautiful lyrics where they could've just put a line about having a gun to their head or calling someone a liar. Why does everyone try to be so creative?
OveriseFan
11/13/07, 07:35 PM
Grow up. You probably don't write that well of lyrics yourself. Don't insult me and my writing unless you can back yourself up with your own. If you don't like it fine, but implying statements like that is immature, and just plain stupid.
90% of this forums' members, that might have worked on.
You happened to choose the most talented writer, in terms of both lyrics and music, we have not only in Lyrics and Poetry, but probably on AP itself.
Nice job.
Give his music a listen before you insult him... you'll be impressed.
OveriseFan
11/13/07, 07:36 PM
I currently am working with my band to get this song done.
I like your advice and I think I may switch some things around :}
Thank you so much!
You guys rock :]
Do you understand sarcasm?
matt_rawlings
11/13/07, 07:44 PM
90% of this forums' members, that might have worked on.
You happened to choose gayness
I couldn't have said it better myself, being that I cannot write
black rose
11/13/07, 08:20 PM
I have to agree with James. Seriously, probably the best musician/writer on ap, she picks. Niiiice.
a speedo model
11/13/07, 09:01 PM
Grow up. You probably don't write that well of lyrics yourself. Don't insult me and my writing unless you can back yourself up with your own. If you don't like it fine, but implying statements like that is immature, and just plain stupid.
Matt is one of the best writers on this site by far, you're one of the worst. How about you don't make any ass out of yourself and actually try and find out what you're doing wrong?
lostfear
11/13/07, 09:27 PM
haahah Rawlings owns all of us. I think that's clear....
Blakebear
11/13/07, 09:33 PM
"If you never lied you would never been alone" should definitely be changed to something along the lines of "if you never lied you would never lie alone,"
how fucking clever would that be :)
a speedo model.
If matt wrote as well as you all say he did he wouldn't insult others and actually help the ones that aren't as well at writing. As of you. You guys think your writers but being writers is more than just writing the words. Being complete assholes, and insulting others work isn't professional nor is it mature.
I wasn't asking you all to lie and say its good, but atleast help me and not make me feel like shit.
GhostMachine
11/14/07, 08:59 AM
You need to learn to accept the harsh criticism of others. It's gonna sting like a bullet with your name on it and in the end you may cry, but to declare others as complete assholes for tearing apart your work when you post on a site that is going to give feedback is pretty stupid if you can't handle it. Look past the harsh exteriors of the human complex and inside you might find something more...but open your eyes first.
lostfear
11/14/07, 10:29 AM
oooooooo introspective ghost machine....
but seriously, doods right.
GhostMachine
11/14/07, 10:54 AM
I try to be at times. I do want to point out to Tattoo that there is a sticky at the top of the forum that states pretty clearly that no matter how good you think your work is, there is going to be assholes.
I dont have a problem with harsh critism.
What they said was not critism, it was rude.
Frankly, I know im not good, and I want to improve, but I just think the mentors and better writers shouldn't put down the less talented, but help them.
GhostMachine
11/14/07, 01:00 PM
I don't really see it as being rude though. It's more or less constructive criticism designed to inspire you to wake up and push yourself to become better without always getting help.
Telling me to carve my face with a box cutter is constructive criticism? Like I know where your going with this of how they are trying to inspire me and what not. But, to me its not ethical for respective writers to bash others peoples work to pulp.
GhostMachine
11/14/07, 01:54 PM
"Telling me to carve my face with a box cutter is constructive criticism?"
Treat it as a line for another piece of work. You took it too much to the heart. You write about carving a name on a bullet and letting someone pull the trigger...you might as well write about doing that too.
"But, to me its not ethical for respective writers to bash others peoples work to pulp."
It's ethical because it teaches perseverance. Maybe you learn to learn from the harshest of comments. Sometimes bashing something to a bloody pulp is the only way to truly help it although I don't completely condone beating the shit out of someone, I do condone tearing someone's work apart for the betterment of it.
I appreciate your insight, but I do not believe their so called "criticism" was for the right intentions.
GhostMachine
11/14/07, 02:06 PM
Blind?
mattybobviously
11/14/07, 02:46 PM
I got my first piece torn to shreds. You either stop writing shitty songs and people become receptive, or you continue to put out awful ones like this one, and no one will care.
GhostMachine
11/14/07, 03:40 PM
Completely true. My first or second post was ripped apart as well, but it's just more reason for me to focus on what's there.
OveriseFan
11/14/07, 04:41 PM
Here's the problem: You have absolutely no potential.
If this isn't a joke, I'm sorry. But we're used to kids being stupid and posting in here as a joke.
If this is a serious piece, take this advice: Grow up. Go live life, and write about the positive things in life. Don't write about "I love her." either, because that's just as boring as "I want to die."
Listen to They Might Be Giants.
a speedo model
11/14/07, 05:01 PM
a speedo model.
If matt wrote as well as you all say he did he wouldn't insult others and actually help the ones that aren't as well at writing. As of you. You guys think your writers but being writers is more than just writing the words. Being complete assholes, and insulting others work isn't professional nor is it mature.
I wasn't asking you all to lie and say its good, but atleast help me and not make me feel like shit.
How does that make any sense? So good writers won't insult others? That has nothing to do with one's writing ability, whatsoever.
Secondly, no one claimed to be professional or mature here. Again, you're making assumptions on how YOU think good writers should behave, not necessarily making it law.
Thirdly, in this forum, we do our best to be polite and give good criticisms. Some don't, and that is their choice.
But in all honesty, this is bad. When I asked if you honestly thought it was good, you gave an answer that led me to believe that giving you any true or direct criticism will do nothing simply because your idea of what makes something "good" isn't sound.
This piece reads like a joke piece, you use simple, cliche and boring rhymes with imagery that has no substance. Reading it, I didn't feel like there was any feeling behind it. It did not connect to me or make me feel moved in anyway. It was cookie-cutter nonsense 15 year old kids write trying to rebel in some way because their parents make them go to church on a Sunday or go to bed by 9:30 on a weekday. It is trite and a boring topic. It did not hold my interest. It felt like honestly a bunch of lines, that have been used thousands of times over, all collected together.
If you're going to write you need to A) be able to accept criticism and be able to defend your work, you've so far not defended this. You've merely admitted it's not good, if it's not good don't post it. If you don't like, why would I?
B) Look for ways of expressing ideas or feelings in original, if not interesting ways, that will be able to effect someone. Try to write about something simple but focus on being original in your approach of it. Try to write on it in a new way and give those reading it some new insight.
Or just leave. If you do not want to actually listen or try, this is no place for you.
black rose
11/14/07, 05:48 PM
My first stuff was shit, complete and utter shit. But I kept going. I realized/am still realizing better ways to convey what I want to say. You need to put this one aside and start again. And this time, not so damn depressing.
I have potential.
And from the help from others, I realized what you say doesn't really matter :)
It's your opinions and I respect it.
matt_rawlings
11/14/07, 06:37 PM
I wrote like someone was pissing in my anus until I was about 19...seriously.
My first piece on here was ripped apart to the extent that I deleted it.
The moment someone who writes thinks they are "Good enough", is a time when they should think "Well, good isn't great".
Then, when you get great, think about being remarkable
matt_rawlings
11/14/07, 06:38 PM
You need to learn to accept the harsh criticism of others. It's gonna sting like a bullet with your name on it.
Hahahahahah that was nicely done
vandalsandquinn
11/14/07, 06:44 PM
Carve your name into this grain of rice
GhostMachine
11/15/07, 08:30 AM
Hahahahahah that was nicely done
I try.
And I would listen to Overise Fan about TheyMight Be Giants.
I wrote like someone was pissing in my anus until I was about 19...seriously.
My first piece on here was ripped apart to the extent that I deleted it.
The moment someone who writes thinks they are "Good enough", is a time when they should think "Well, good isn't great".
Then, when you get great, think about being remarkable
Same here, I wrote utter shit until I was 15. The ripping of my first piece was like, scary to me, hahaha.
Exactly.
OveriseFan
11/15/07, 04:18 PM
I have potential.
And from the help from others, I realized what you say doesn't really matter :)
It's your opinions and I respect it.
I feel like you can never tell yourself you have potential, rather, it's a trait only others can really see...
But, whatever. Good luck with the writing.
a speedo model
11/15/07, 05:08 PM
If you don't care about our opinions, one could ask why you post your work at all if all you get from it is the opinions that don't matter to you.
You need to learn to accept the harsh criticism of others. It's gonna sting like a bullet with your name on it and in the end you may cry, but to declare others as complete assholes for tearing apart your work when you post on a site that is going to give feedback is pretty stupid if you can't handle it. Look past the harsh exteriors of the human complex and inside you might find something more...but open your eyes first.
agree, completely. and i applaud that quip with the title.
GhostMachine
11/15/07, 05:46 PM
I agree a speedo model...what's the point in asking for criticism when it is opinion?
And thank you kait.
ok i wrote a long ass thing and then accidentally hit back on my browser and it was all lost. the short of that is: people are cruel on the internet, thats how it is. this doesn't make it ok, but it comes with the territory. everyone has potential, but also everyone starts out as bad writers. you just need to write more and broaden your topics from the typical teen angst stuff that so many people begin with, including myself. keep trying, don't listen to or ignore everything people say, its your choice what to use and what to say "fuck you" to. i'm sorry that these people were assholes, but like someone mentioned, it is warned in the sticky note at the top of the forum. be well.
Miss Venom
02/21/08, 08:51 AM
that was really awesome, i put it on my myspace (myspace.com/breathe_disaster) with full credit of course, and i have a friend who sings in a death metal band that might be interested in those lyrics. and i'm really hard on myself about my writings too, making sure noone is lying to me telling me its good when its not but really that is amazing!!!
<3 Miss Venom
wickedfaerie13
02/21/08, 12:49 PM
i like it
vandalsandquinn
02/21/08, 03:38 PM
Anyone ever see when they write people's names on those pieces of rice? It's crazy!
GhostMachine
02/21/08, 04:07 PM
I want to see them do that...I think those people are talented.
GhostMachine
02/21/08, 04:11 PM
that was really awesome, i put it on my myspace (myspace.com/breathe_disaster) with full credit of course, and i have a friend who sings in a death metal band that might be interested in those lyrics. and i'm really hard on myself about my writings too, making sure noone is lying to me telling me its good when its not but really that is amazing!!!
<3 Miss Venom
I think your friend in the "death metal" band is fucking emo. This shit wasn't any where near amazing...hardly outside of cliche. Over used and overdone is what I would call it. Maybe you should experience real metal before you decide what metal is.
de la sympathie
02/21/08, 05:27 PM
Sorry, but I really think this was seriously awful. I don't think there's anything more for me to say that hasn't already been said.
Try to find something way less cliched. Or, if you're planning on writing about a cliched topic, do it originally and without all the recycled words. By that, I mean you used the word "lie" a ton of times, the cliche of a "broken girl" and the broken mirror, the bullet and gun bit... Things like that.
I don't know what else to say. Maybe just try again.
vBulletin v3.6.0, Copyright ©2000-2012, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.