Fake

[Jumpoff]

Catapaulted into the blinding light
where everyone forgets.
The lies are all tinted green
and the facade of respect ends.

Dance, fool, dance
Pretend the best you can.
Everyone else loves you
for living a lie.

Finally the downfall
one faux pas to disaster
Called himself the favorite son
but now just a lonely bastard

Dance, fool, dance
Pretend the best you can.
Everyone else loves you
for living a lie.

This is a requiem for a dreamer
who soared too high.
Supercilious talk ending swiftly
as his waxed wings melted midflight.


--------------------------------------------

This is the first song I've ever written, so it is definetly far from perfect. Constructive criticism would be great. Just trying to improve my writing at the moment. :-D

[paramore_addict]

pretty damn good 4 a first song.:) keep on writing, u've got talent!!

[lovely864md]

It's your first song, I'll be nice.
Work on flow.
And supercillious looks awkward.
Keep working.

[Jumpoff]

Thanks a lot to everyone who answered for the advice. :-D

[Alex Djaferis]

I'll be honest by saying I do not like it.

And I dont want to use age as an excuse, but when I look back at what I wrote when I was 15, it was shit, and a lot worse then this ;-) So carry on writing!

I just feel like you are trying to hard - and using clichees all at once. But hey, keep developing your style and refine it.

[ArTkY_]

Ok, two things I want to comment on:

The Mars Volta avatar will get you far, keep that up. Also, you weren't a dick about this song, so good job on that too.

Now for the song:

It's not all that good. As Alex (above me) said, you resorted to quite a few cliches. Coming of your own is a very, very hard task as a writer, believe me. For years I was stuck writing like Geoff Rickly from Thursday.

The best part of this, for me, was the ending. There's flaws in the ending as well, there's a very poor flow (like in the rest of the song) and some of your vocabulary just seemed completely unnecessary. Remember, you don't need to have SAT words in your songs, they can sound intelligent without huge vocabulary. Vocabulary is something to work on, because it's normally very hard to work in when you first start writing, as you gain some experience, you should get much better with your diction.

[arel13]

you are deffinately trying to hard......let loose and just write what comes to mind

[Jumpoff]

Thanks a lot again to everyone who commented and gave me criticisms to work on.

Ok, two things I want to comment on:

The Mars Volta avatar will get you far, keep that up. Also, you weren't a dick about this song, so good job on that too.

Now for the song:

It's not all that good. As Alex (above me) said, you resorted to quite a few cliches. Coming of your own is a very, very hard task as a writer, believe me. For years I was stuck writing like Geoff Rickly from Thursday.

The best part of this, for me, was the ending. There's flaws in the ending as well, there's a very poor flow (like in the rest of the song) and some of your vocabulary just seemed completely unnecessary. Remember, you don't need to have SAT words in your songs, they can sound intelligent without huge vocabulary. Vocabulary is something to work on, because it's normally very hard to work in when you first start writing, as you gain some experience, you should get much better with your diction.

Alright, I can see what your saying. The words probably did interfere with the flow of the song.. I'm thinking about making my lines longer too so it doesnt seem so compacted.

So carry on writing!

I just feel like you are trying to hard - and using clichees all at once. But hey, keep developing your style and refine it.

Will work on it... harder to judge your own work when you read it to yourself so honestly every criticism helps :-D