in memorium

[kait.]

i'm reluctant to post this poem, with what's been put up lately, but i really want to rework this. i think it's over-emotional. except i've read it so many times i can't tell what my reaction to it is anymore. any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. :-)


in memorium


fireflies gather about the light, flitter-flutter wings spread gauzy thin,
promises for the lost knocked aside
& splayed across glass (bodies smashed & left cold). he
waits, his breath
misting in the dark below the cover of the avenue, for
the flurry of colour, each spirit taking flight.

ice trails behind the edge of his knife, soft,
gentle spirals of frost painted on my window & i press
my palm flat against the light of morning, studied
frown skewered. but the call is for the mourning dove, the shadow-
stories told on the wall; 'one cannot have enough tears
for this'.

each heartbeat flips itself over on its hands, impales itself
in the harsh daylight. time is a rolled up passage,
birth a forced regime, & the rest of our days extolled
slavery under the candlelight. pass gently,
love.
i'm watching you go so please don't cry.

[ArTkY_]

I really, really love the way you utilized line breaks, it gives me a great rhythm.

I'm not too fond of the line, ice trails behind the edge of his knife. That entire stanza, actually, until but the call is for the mourning dove, the shadow... is very weak. I like how you used mourning as a little play on words. Cliche, perhaps, though still very effective here.

The final stanza works well in relation to the second, though it's harder to tie it in with the first. Work on connecting the ending to the beginning. I love this the rest of our days extolled/slavery under the candlelight. pass gently,/love. I feel like the last line gives me a bit of anticlimax, I would end it on pass gently, love, but that's completely your call.

Overall, not a bad piece of work, I hope I was some help. I like this a lot and I can see it becoming even better.

[kait.]

thanks for the comments, tariq. i think you're right about the end not connecting with the beginning. i'm thinking it's because of that second stanza. i think i want to keep the window/morning image, but i'll fiddle around with it. the ending i was never sure about. i'll play with that, too. thanks again; you definitely helped.

[lew_1987]

i agree with tariq on some points. i think that some of the line breaks are really good, but others i am not such a big fan of. overall it isn't a bad piece but i think that the second stanza is the weakest, as tariq says. i think that there is good movement in the piece, the flow manages to take it to a different place to where you started from. i think the second section should be re worked slighty, although i'm not entirely sure how. sorry if i'm not much help.