Beauty In The Breaths We Take

[GhostMachine]

"Memento Mori- death is inevitable."


Shotgun up on the wall,
Taunts the suicidal children in the hall,
While patients scream at white coated bastards,
Needles leak of liquids designed to sedate the mind.

Hallways full of bleach and gurneys,
Ambulance calls fill in between the noises so sweetly,
While families sit in waiting rooms,
Never wanting to hear the bad news.

But death comes so serenely,
While the victim might die painfully,
They are whisked away like life was nothing.

City streets covered in chalk lines and yellow tape,
Bullet shells littering elementary school playgrounds,
While needles slowly cause a little sting,
When children playing in a field fall,
And find where the drug addicts are,
Safety stops only when you leave your home,
Cause drunk drivers make a living,
Trying to not to swerve.

But death comes not matter what we do,
And in the end it’ll hurt,
More than you could ever know.

Decline in the stasis of life,
Broken records fill the stores,
Slowly we take our last breaths,
Slowly we fall to the sea…

Oh and death comes so sweetly,
Embracing the warmth of cold arms,
together we walk away from all this harm.

[Troggy]

Since I read all the way through. I feel obligated to comment.

Everything after the third stanza goes noticeably downhill. Images of children when speaking about death can be powerful, but I dont really see the connection here. The drunk drivers line is especially awkward for me. After that the cliches start to pile up. The stanza following that line is completely unnecessary. That isn't going to enlighten anyone or give them a new perspective on death. The last two stanzas go in a similar manner, it's easy to write that "trailing off" death parallel, but I dont think it does much to accomplish anything.

I could get nitpickier but I just dont think this has anything much to say. It has too much boring emo-song imagery (the needles image keeps coming back, but I'm not convinced it actually means anything) and not enough personality. Writing about death happening to everyone is a universal idea that can be really moving when done right, but to put it simply, I am not moved. Keep working at it.

[inCinerate.1028]

First few lines are pretty good.

[EmotionalMusic]

"Memento Mori- death is inevitable."


Shotgun up on the wall,
Taunts the suicidal children in the hall,
While patients scream at white coated bastards,
Needles leak of liquids designed to sedate the mind.

Hallways full of bleach and gurneys,
Ambulance calls fill in between the noises so sweetly,
While families sit in waiting rooms,
Never wanting to hear the bad news.

But death comes so serenely,
While the victim might die painfully,
They are whisked away like life was nothing.

City streets covered in chalk lines and yellow tape,
Bullet shells littering elementary school playgrounds,
While needles slowly cause a little sting,
When children playing in a field fall,
And find where the drug addicts are,
Safety stops only when you leave your home,
Cause drunk drivers make a living,
Trying to not to swerve.

But death comes not matter what we do,
And in the end it’ll hurt,
More than you could ever know.

Decline in the stasis of life,
Broken records fill the stores,
Slowly we take our last breaths,
Slowly we fall to the sea…

Oh and death comes so sweetly,
Embracing the warmth of cold arms,
together we walk away from all this harm.
Yeah I agree it's a bit unpersonally, still I there are parts of it that I found pretty good.
I liked the "embracing the warmth of cold arms" at the end.
The beginning is good, and it made me keep on reading, but the rest is a bit boring...
Keep working at it and you could have something...;)

[EmotionalMusic]

ops...Kinda posted the whole song...

[arel13]

uhhhhhh.this is iffy but clever

[strobelife]

I would try to make it shorter if you could. It's an okay concept but it gets old after reading so many verses about it. And in my opinion it would be better if it flowed well all the way through.