To my "dear" one

[devilz_advocate]

ummm.. I'm kinda new here. This is ma first post.
Tell me if u like dis song.. or tell me I shudn't write any of this crap eva again. (Like I'm gonnu listen, but still )

To my "dear" one

Do not yell at me
Since you have no ground
You are blaming somebody
In whom no fault is found

I am sick of your presence, but not from the start
I’ve always loved you, somewhere in my heart
But now u gotta talk me
Didn’t you see?
Why couldn’t you listen to me?
That my emotions have come to a cease
Forget happiness, friendship all I want is peace

I’m sorry that we got to
This day
Where everything seems to be gone
I don’t want to be lost forever, its time to move on

When my memories faded away, that was so chill
Then days became toneless, my life was in a deathly still
Its not hard to see you out of breath
I don’t care that now you’ll end up in death
Because

This pain is meant for you
Don’t you see how much I hate you

What you’ve done, as to me was none
I was so sick of standing your test
Never knew when you’d give it a rest
Everyday I wanted to flee
Yes, its true that now I’m falling free
So why don’t you just creep away
And accept that

This pain is meant for you
Don’t you see how much I hate you

Do not choose my way
What? Haven’t heard a sweater song till today?
Where are you running to?
I’m not over yet
Just because your alive, I’m not dead
I’m awake and far ahead

So don’t you see how much I hate you
I bet now you know that
This pain is meant for you

[lew_1987]

these kind of pieces are so over done, and usually do not work as songs. if you're angry at someone, channel it into writing something different, rather than just writing a selfish piece on anger. no one can get anything from this. and its a better idea for you to hang round a bit first before posting lyrics, especially as your first post. go comment on others work first to earn some respect.

[devilz_advocate]

whoa.. that was harsh. But thx anyway. =P

[lew_1987]

i didn't mean it to be overly harsh, but take my advice. if you're serious about writing, hang round a bit and read other's works and comment on them. unfortunately you do have to think about the readers when you write a piece, and although it might be satisfying for you to express your anger for a loved one in this way, you need to try and get your readers to understand the situation, rather than just saying 'what you've done to me'.

[devilz_advocate]

okidokey, i dig it

[Troggy]

okidokey, i dig it

lew_1987 is right, you have the same problem as most of the people on here when dealing with the gritty boy-girl relationship type piece. I'm not sure I would draw too much from the stuff on here, but I do agree that you may want to look into how it is really done. The key (which lew_1987 already explained) is that you are doing all the telling of the piece directly, and there is nothing for the reader to get out of the piece. Saying "I hate you" or "this pain is meant for you" is a very bland 'telling' way to go about it. Use their actions or their personality or even their physical appearance in a way which illustrates these kinds of things, don't just unload your anger like you are yelling at someone. Needs finesse...among other things.

[lew_1987]

well said.