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View Full Version : Which one would you prefer? *2 poems*


mayshadowsburn
10/27/03, 03:19 AM
Unseen Fortunes

The piano plays the secrets note by note, offkey.
traditionally on the day you passed away.
silence morns as the clock ticks and talks,
and dissembles my art of being queen.
Stitches and black color crimson
sang the words that were to be hidden
in a box outside our door.

As doorbells ring you glance to walk
right into your own last moment.
Thumbs up to the set up
and dismantle the scene to investigate.
Feed me flashbacks in your own haunting,
and kill my soul by the hardship of your grip.

Tie me up against a tree
to shout out the words that should be named after me.
Rest your head on my breath,
as I reach in and sustain your death.




Hidden Between The Lines Of Fine


Standing in the shadows, pulling on the reigns detaching your vapid from your hollow breathing. I stand alone to set the timer on the flashback rate of pure memory. Days were nothing in uniform to set its banishing on you, for you were warned of not obeying the sunrise.

Attraction brought on urges of talk to the trilogy of making you mine. Although, control was not a feature in my characteristics. To close my eyes was like spending a thousand days in a cell of endless bleeding walls repeating your name. Sighs of sorrow forgave my sleeping while forbidding my loss of thought process.

Time only ticks when my head was compressed against your chest deliberately listening to the eternal beating against the war. This calmed the tension and renamed my day to the glance of weeping that stood broadly on your touchless lips. For the remaining of your breath, I cried.

mayshadowsburn
11/03/03, 08:46 PM
any comments whatsoever?? :(

chaosandlove
11/10/03, 05:58 PM
they were beautifully written,but i must say Hidden Between The Lines Of Fine was favored more than the other.what are u going to use the poem for anyway? 'tis all

mayshadowsburn
11/13/03, 03:08 PM
thank you.
I wasn't sure of which one to read aloud to a class I'm taking. I'm glad you read them tho.
It's hard to get people to post here.

IGuessItsOkay
11/13/03, 05:43 PM
It's like pulling teeth to get people to talk on this forum. and for some of us who are serious about poetry (not just lyrics to songs, but poetry as poetry, which is thought out in terms of the poetic devices) this is a good resource to get criticisms and comments on poetry...but if nobody talks, then there's no real point. anyway, that's my complaining for the moment.

novemberashes
11/18/03, 07:44 PM
I too would have to say that 'hidden between the lines of fine' was the better of the two. They both were extremely good though. You definately should keep them coming.