Bionic Irony

[de la sympathie]

It's been a really long time since I've written anything worth posting, and even longer since I've posted it here. I'm really not so sure it all fits together too well, but I actually like it. Constructive criticism would be much appreciated.


'Bionic Irony'


This morning, I woke with grave dirt in my nose.
Lazarus, bury me now; the cathode ray's got me by the DNA
And now I'm tired. We were up all night
Sewing up the soft underbelly with our own fibers
Like you asked us to. I'm willing to stay,
But I'm worried about the way it would have been.

And now I'm tired. Lazarus, carry me now;
I'm wading towards your double helix
Climbing the ladder of your vertebrae
Peeling back the myelin sheath and rewinding history
Like you asked me to. I'm willing to stay,
But I'm worried about the things that could have been.

What say you, electric flesh?
Neuroses carry me to your bed.
Lay me down, it's Saturday night
I'm only tired; don't say that I'm dead.

This morning, I woke after years of no sleep.
Lazarus, hurry me now; shove me into the nucleus.
Waiting in your electron cloud has got me pretty backwards
And now I'm tired. It's been half past two for twenty years
And the clocks in your cerebellum won't move forward.
I've been pushing and pulling the nervous hands
Like you asked them to. I'm willing to stay,
But I'm worried about the state of things that might have been.

What is this, electric flesh?
Impulse carries me to your bed.
Lay me down, undress the atoms
I'm sorry I'm tired; we're pushing ahead.

This didn't feel like Armageddon
(It never feels like the end of the world)

This doesn't feel like Armageddon
(It's tomorrow in Melbourne; we're pretty well done.)

So say you, electric flesh
Under the stripped and barren bed
Ease it down, cradle the protons
'It's too late now to reverse it,' you said.

This might be Armageddon,
But it felt like a normal Saturday night to me.

[Troggy]

I can see what you mean by not knowing if it fits together or not. The first couple of verses do have parallel images though, so that does help...I'm a little uneasy on some of the wording and meanings of your phrases, but I don't think too much is out of place.

'grave dirt' I'm not sure I like how that sounds here. Maybe just dirt would suffice, or maybe you can say that a little more elegantly.

I'm not sure how I feel about the repeating lines of "I'm tired'. I get what they are trying to do, but maybe if you only said it once, the reader would still get the idea. If you say you were tired / up all night in the first verse, I think you can let that be the scenario for the rest of it without having to repeat yourself.

This didn't feel like Armageddon
(It never feels like the end of the world)

This doesn't feel like Armageddon
(It's tomorrow in Melbourne; we're pretty well done.)

I don't know how necessary these few lines are. The lines at the very end say it in a pretty similar way, with more emphasis since it is the end of the piece. I'm not sure I really understand the purpose of the Melbourne line, as it is. I think you might be better off without those lines there.

Lot of good to be said about the actual content, though :)

[de la sympathie]

I can see what you mean by not knowing if it fits together or not. The first couple of verses do have parallel images though, so that does help...I'm a little uneasy on some of the wording and meanings of your phrases, but I don't think too much is out of place.

'grave dirt' I'm not sure I like how that sounds here. Maybe just dirt would suffice, or maybe you can say that a little more elegantly.

I'm not sure how I feel about the repeating lines of "I'm tired'. I get what they are trying to do, but maybe if you only said it once, the reader would still get the idea. If you say you were tired / up all night in the first verse, I think you can let that be the scenario for the rest of it without having to repeat yourself.

This didn't feel like Armageddon
(It never feels like the end of the world)

This doesn't feel like Armageddon
(It's tomorrow in Melbourne; we're pretty well done.)

I don't know how necessary these few lines are. The lines at the very end say it in a pretty similar way, with more emphasis since it is the end of the piece. I'm not sure I really understand the purpose of the Melbourne line, as it is. I think you might be better off without those lines there.

Lot of good to be said about the actual content, though :)

I like the 'grave dirt' line there, but I can definitely see what you mean. I'll see if I can find something that would work a bit better.

And yes to your second point as well, but the repetition was definitely intentional - I meant it to be like the person has to keep reminding 'lazarus' that they're tired.

Those are unnecessary, maybe, but I felt like they had to be added because it stated first that it was 'the end of the world' before the last lines did it for you. Could I take them out and the piece would be okay? Or do you have another suggestion as to what could possibly work there?

The 'Melbourne' line has significance, definitely.

Thank you very much; I really appreciate it. :)

[Troggy]

Yeah I figured the Melbourne line was a personal touch, but now I know for sure. :)

Maybe it's just the "and now" parts of the tired sentence that bothers me, more than the repetition. I can see the point in emphasizing them. Maybe if you could work them into the sentences better ie:

Lazerus, I'm tired- carry me now

That's not ideal, but what I'm going for here is that you are reminding Lazerus (like you said) and not the reader. I'm sure you can come up with a more effective way to do it than that, but I think it is important to make those lines more pleading to get your point across.

As for those armageddon lines, depends on what structure you want to end up with. If it is more of a lyrics piece, then you essentially have two similar choruses one after another w/out the bridge, which doesn't really bother me at all. If it's more of a poem...well that's up to you how you want to structure it. Those few lines aren't useless, but they just don't excite me like some of the other portions of this piece do. Try to convey a little better why they are important parts of the piece.

[OveriseFan]

Holy shit.

I love you, and miss you posting here. Talk to me on AIM or something.

This, first off, is fantastic. The meaning is a little... cloudy, to me, after two readings, but I'll work on it some more. I have a general idea... I think...

I hate the use of this line though: Lay me down, it's Saturday night, and likewise, the repetition of the idea at the end.

Also, I understand what you mean by "grave dirt" but it does not sound like the meaning you want to convey... and being that it's the first line, you need something more effective. I've got nothing for you at the moment (sorry!) but you can think of something, I'm sure.

I personally love what I'll call the 'bridge' (The Melbourne line and all) and can tell it's got something special in it. Keep it.

Damn, I love this. It's so nice to read something great on here again.

Edit: I'm all for the repetitive nature of the piece, because I feel like it's intentional, and with meaning. Does it have to deal with the methodical nature of everyday life? And likewise, how that's now breaking? I don't know, it might have been unintentional, but I think it works really effectively.

With lines like: "I woke after years of no sleep." and "It's been half past two for twenty years." I feel like you felt trapped, or whatever, doing the same thing for so long, and now something's finally breaking it, of your own accord?

Why is this so damn cryptic? haha.

[de la sympathie]

Yeah I figured the Melbourne line was a personal touch, but now I know for sure. :)

Maybe it's just the "and now" parts of the tired sentence that bothers me, more than the repetition. I can see the point in emphasizing them. Maybe if you could work them into the sentences better ie:

Lazerus, I'm tired- carry me now

That's not ideal, but what I'm going for here is that you are reminding Lazerus (like you said) and not the reader. I'm sure you can come up with a more effective way to do it than that, but I think it is important to make those lines more pleading to get your point across.

As for those armageddon lines, depends on what structure you want to end up with. If it is more of a lyrics piece, then you essentially have two similar choruses one after another w/out the bridge, which doesn't really bother me at all. If it's more of a poem...well that's up to you how you want to structure it. Those few lines aren't useless, but they just don't excite me like some of the other portions of this piece do. Try to convey a little better why they are important parts of the piece.

It is definitely more lyric-structured, though I'm no musician. I'll definitely look back over it and try to see what you're saying. Not that I don't already, but in terms of making it better.

I'm not so sure I can convey it any better without revealing more of the meaning though. I'm not trying to be so blatant with this one - my past works leave a lot to be desired, but I'm trying.

But yeah, I get what you're saying. Thanks again. :)

[de la sympathie]

Holy shit.

I love you, and miss you posting here. Talk to me on AIM or something.

This, first off, is fantastic. The meaning is a little... cloudy, to me, after two readings, but I'll work on it some more. I have a general idea... I think...

I hate the use of this line though: Lay me down, it's Saturday night, and likewise, the repetition of the idea at the end.

Also, I understand what you mean by "grave dirt" but it does not sound like the meaning you want to convey... and being that it's the first line, you need something more effective. I've got nothing for you at the moment (sorry!) but you can think of something, I'm sure.

I personally love what I'll call the 'bridge' (The Melbourne line and all) and can tell it's got something special in it. Keep it.

Damn, I love this. It's so nice to read something great on here again.

Edit: I'm all for the repetitive nature of the piece, because I feel like it's intentional, and with meaning. Does it have to deal with the methodical nature of everyday life? And likewise, how that's now breaking? I don't know, it might have been unintentional, but I think it works really effectively.

With lines like: "I woke after years of no sleep." and "It's been half past two for twenty years." I feel like you felt trapped, or whatever, doing the same thing for so long, and now something's finally breaking it, of your own accord?

Why is this so damn cryptic? haha.

Well, James, what do YOU think it's all about? Ooh, more cryptic answers!

And now, for a more excited response: JAMES! Yeah, I haven't been around much. But I'll certainly try to be more now. I really missed you guys, and so I came back a short while ago. And then this.

If you've got questions about the meaning, feel free to ask here, or PM or IM me about it - I got a laptop, though, and I'm typing from that. I haven't downloaded AIM yet. But you're still FamousJamous, right? I'll definitely get on that.

I felt the first Saturday night line was needed in order to lead up to the last Saturday line - so you got some idea of a time frame, and why, though I suppose you really don't know the 'why'. But with the meaning, it becomes clearer. Although, I do understand that a good piece should be able to stand on its own, without knowing the author's personal meaning. I'll take a look at it and see what I could do. If I took the first Saturday line out, would it make it worse? I could replace it, but would it be awkward at the end - just being introduced to this sudden timeframe?

The 'grave dirt' line also has meaning, but you're right - it IS the first line, and it is sort of awkward. Hmm. Nice, James, trying to mess me up like this. How rude. ;)

[OveriseFan]

Well, James, what do YOU think it's all about? Ooh, more cryptic answers!

And now, for a more excited response: JAMES! Yeah, I haven't been around much. But I'll certainly try to be more now. I really missed you guys, and so I came back a short while ago. And then this.

If you've got questions about the meaning, feel free to ask here, or PM or IM me about it - I got a laptop, though, and I'm typing from that. I haven't downloaded AIM yet. But you're still FamousJamous, right? I'll definitely get on that.

I felt the first Saturday night line was needed in order to lead up to the last Saturday line - so you got some idea of a time frame, and why, though I suppose you really don't know the 'why'. But with the meaning, it becomes clearer. Although, I do understand that a good piece should be able to stand on its own, without knowing the author's personal meaning. I'll take a look at it and see what I could do. If I took the first Saturday line out, would it make it worse? I could replace it, but would it be awkward at the end - just being introduced to this sudden timeframe?

The 'grave dirt' line also has meaning, but you're right - it IS the first line, and it is sort of awkward. Hmm. Nice, James, trying to mess me up like this. How rude. ;)

My problem with the Saturday night line is that it completely breaks the tone of the piece...

Can you change it somehow, so it conveys the same idea without being so... casual? For want of better word.

I feel like the meaning is really obvious, but I don't want it to be... haha. So if I'm right with that, don't spoil it for others.

[de la sympathie]

My problem with the Saturday night line is that it completely breaks the tone of the piece...

Can you change it somehow, so it conveys the same idea without being so... casual? For want of better word.

I feel like the meaning is really obvious, but I don't want it to be... haha. So if I'm right with that, don't spoil it for others.

You've only caught a fraction of the meaning. But I suppose you could interpret it that way. It's definitely open to any interpretation you'd like, and could hold multiple meanings.

Yeah, I think maybe I can. I'd have to work at that, though.

[OveriseFan]

Question: I understand there's some personal value in the piece, but is this all autobiographical? Or can it be from another perspective?

[de la sympathie]

Question: I understand there's some personal value in the piece, but is this all autobiographical? Or can it be from another perspective?

Like I said before: open to interpretation. It has multiple meanings. It holds a lot of personal value, but it is definitely from another perspective - the 'I' in there doesn't mean "me" necessarily. It could, but it couldn't. That doesn't make sense, really, but I'm trying not to give away much.

[thetrueblood]

this just reminded me of middle school science class.

[de la sympathie]

this just reminded me of middle school science class.

Thanks. Haha.

[ArTkY_]

Saying "it means whatever it means to you," to start off, is fairly ignorant and will get you yelled at by any poetry teacher. Yeah, that's what happened to me, hahaha.

Anyways, this is very good and will get deeper into it later. FINALLY you post something new.

[OveriseFan]

Saying "it means whatever it means to you," to start off, is fairly ignorant and will get you yelled at by any poetry teacher. Yeah, that's what happened to me, hahaha.

Hah. I was gonna yell at her, then decided I wanted her to stay...

[mattybobviously]

It's been a really long time since I've written anything worth posting, and even longer since I've posted it here. I'm really not so sure it all fits together too well, but I actually like it. Constructive criticism would be much appreciated.


'Bionic Irony'


This morning, I woke with grave dirt in my nose.
Lazarus, bury me now; the cathode ray's got me by the DNA
And now I'm tired. We were up all night
Sewing up the soft underbelly with our own fibers
Like you asked us to. I'm willing to stay,
But I'm worried about the way it would have been.

And now I'm tired. Lazarus, carry me now;
I'm wading towards your double helix
Climbing the ladder of your vertebrae
Peeling back the myelin sheath and rewinding history
Like you asked me to. I'm willing to stay,
But I'm worried about the things that could have been.

What say you, electric flesh?
Neuroses carry me to your bed.
Lay me down, it's Saturday night
I'm only tired; don't say that I'm dead.

This morning, I woke after years of no sleep.
Lazarus, hurry me now; shove me into the nucleus.
Waiting in your electron cloud has got me pretty backwards
And now I'm tired. It's been half past two for twenty years
And the clocks in your cerebellum won't move forward.
I've been pushing and pulling the nervous hands
Like you asked them to. I'm willing to stay,
But I'm worried about the state of things that might have been.

What is this, electric flesh?
Impulse carries me to your bed.
Lay me down, undress the atoms
I'm sorry I'm tired; we're pushing ahead.

This didn't feel like Armageddon
(It never feels like the end of the world)

This doesn't feel like Armageddon
(It's tomorrow in Melbourne; we're pretty well done.)

So say you, electric flesh
Under the stripped and barren bed
Ease it down, cradle the protons
'It's too late now to reverse it,' you said.

This might be Armageddon,
But it felt like a normal Saturday night to me.

I love this. There are a few rough edges to shape up, that have been previously mentioned by James and others, but my favorite thing posted here in quite some time.

[de la sympathie]

Saying "it means whatever it means to you," to start off, is fairly ignorant and will get you yelled at by any poetry teacher. Yeah, that's what happened to me, hahaha.

Anyways, this is very good and will get deeper into it later. FINALLY you post something new.

Haha, well, thank you for that. I did go in-depth (I tried!) to James. And he hasn't replied.

[de la sympathie]

I love this. There are a few rough edges to shape up, that have been previously mentioned by James and others, but my favorite thing posted here in quite some time.

Thank you very much. :)

[lovely864md]

Wow, I'm a fan. I loved the Lazarus references and it flowed beautifully despite being cryptic as hell.



Climbing the ladder of your vertebrae

Loved this line in particular, don't ask why

[de la sympathie]

Wow, I'm a fan. I loved the Lazarus references and it flowed beautifully despite being cryptic as hell.



Loved this line in particular, don't ask why

Thank you. :)