A Constant Motion Is My Life

[villevalo1666]

This is actually my first post in months. SO I really need people to look at this and comment it...not just look at it. Please people?




My life never stops going
There's always movement
There's always motion
There's no time for slowing...
...No time to slow down...

I will never get a break
No time to sit back
No time to relax
I wish I had a moment...
...A moment of peace...

I will never get that moment...NEVER!
Not until I'm old
Not until I'm retired and moved to Florida,
Like all the other old people.
...I will never get that moment.

But I don't want to age!
I want to stay young forever!
I want to stay strong forever!
I want to BE somebody,
Make a Name for MYSELF in this world!
...I want to BE SOMEBODY!

I have so many dreams
So many dreams I wish to share with you
But that would take hours to for me
To explain.

My life is constant forward motion
And still,
I love my life.

[CellarGhosts]

sorry Emily, but I just didnt really like this at all :shrug:

I'll give you a more in-depth critique later when Im more awake haha.

[villevalo1666]

sorry Emily, but I just didnt really like this at all :shrug:

I'll give you a more in-depth critique later when Im more awake haha.

Ok. Thanks Chris!

[OveriseFan]

I saw the terrible capitalization and just stopped.

Sorry, but I can't take it seriously, especially because I see no good, literary reason for the capitalization.

[villevalo1666]

I saw the terrible capitalization and just stopped.

Sorry, but I can't take it seriously, especially because I see no good, literary reason for the capitalization.

Oh ok. Thanks James I'll work on that.

[black rose]

The flow seems a little off and could use a little something but I'm not sure what [wow, I'm horrible at helping]. It's def. one of those songs that will sound a lot better to music. You should record it. :-)

[villevalo1666]

The flow seems a little off and could use a little something but I'm not sure what [wow, I'm horrible at helping]. It's def. one of those songs that will sound a lot better to music. You should record it. :-)

Aw thanks Mel. Yeah, its kinda just a thrown together poem. God I wish I could write poems.

[bootsydan]

Honestly I think this is a bit too straight forward.

I think this...
I think this...
I think this...

Doesn't really paint a picture in anyones head. Doesn't really let them know who you are or what you are about. It just reads as a kind of whine. Or the opposite, like you're trying to create something that a whole bunch of people will yell out with you. But I don't think it does that. The only way this might work would be as a kind of pop song, if you got rid of some of the more teen-angsty lines.

[de la sympathie]

Agreed with James. It just seems sort of... I don't know. Too typical. It really doesn't do anything but simply state it, and what you're stating isn't even disguised in any way. It seems like if you'd put it into paragraph form, it would have worked better as a complaint, or a whine, like someone above me said. Sorry, try again. Time helps.

[CellarGhosts]

Yeah, I agree with pretty much what everyone else is saying. it's way too direct/straight-forward, and all the capitalization is really unnessecary. But keep trying, it takes time.

[villevalo1666]

Honestly I think this is a bit too straight forward.

I think this...
I think this...
I think this...

Doesn't really paint a picture in anyones head. Doesn't really let them know who you are or what you are about. It just reads as a kind of whine. Or the opposite, like you're trying to create something that a whole bunch of people will yell out with you. But I don't think it does that. The only way this might work would be as a kind of pop song, if you got rid of some of the more teen-angsty lines.

Thanks for the critique, but this isn't a song. It just a little "thing" I wrote to get out my stress with. Don't refer my writing to pop, please.