Mason Jar

[missmatilde]

Mason Jar


oh well, I ended up staying up late, and I finished it, so I decided to post it, cause I'm addicted to you guys.. as always, tell me what sucks, and I'll try to improve... and if any of this you think I shall save, I'll try to work on all that's not :-)
love you all, thanks in advance! ;-) ---- I need happier things tho... I'm scaring myself :shrug:

[bootsydan]

This is an interesting one. Because on one hand I think you can write really well, but on the other hand I'm not sure what exactly this is about. So if I could try and give some helpful feedback it would only be to say see if you can make the story a bit clearer. A bit more story, a little less lyrical cleverness perhaps.

But then maybe I'm the only one who will read this and not know what it is about?

This was my favourite bit:

Happy with the protocol,
He proceed doubtless through
Greyer shades of hair,
Growing with each moon.
But when the last train arrives
He doesn’t have the ticket,
Left alone on an empty platform,
Stabbed by announcements he didn’t want to listen…

Especially those lines. Well done.

[missmatilde]

thanks Tim, you're sweet... the idea was related to some of current events here in Italy, and the fact that someone said such violence from the young is related by the absence of guilt... like for a murder which seems to have no reason but boredom that makes kids want 'borderline experiences'...
so the actual story is that of a person who does whatever without having to deal with guilt, to the most shame and worry to be discovered... especially as the society seems to justify this, and even give it some sense (the priests in the front verse)..
sorry if it wasn't understandable, I'll try to edit it making it more clear ;-)
thanks so much for your comment, glad you loved the train part.. was trying to decently put the idea of the 'last train' in a song in which it didn't worked, happy to hear it's fine in this :-)
thanks again Tim :wave:

[missmatilde]

any one else? :blush:
which parts should I keep\rewrite.. I feel braindamaged today :-(

[matt_rawlings]

Mason Jar

One whose first word was sorry,
Sinner before he spoke,

All you do, you can bleach away,


No guilt, just shame…
And if it happens twice, what’s the change?

His soul forgotten in a mason jar.


But don’t delete your action,


They appoint pity for his redemption,


Happy with the protocol,
He proceed doubtless through
Greyer shades of hair,
Growing with each moon.
But when the last train arrives
He doesn’t have the ticket,
Left alone on an empty platform,
Stabbed by announcements he didn’t want to listen…








Those were the lines I personally liked, some of them I thought were fantastic.

You are a good writter, I just feel that sometimes you sacrifice meaning or narrative progression purely so as to rhyme or sound intelligent, when the simpler lines in your piece shine.

Keep at it champ

[bootsydan]

thanks Tim, you're sweet... the idea was related to some of current events here in Italy, and the fact that someone said such violence from the young is related by the absence of guilt... like for a murder which seems to have no reason but boredom that makes kids want 'borderline experiences'...
so the actual story is that of a person who does whatever without having to deal with guilt, to the most shame and worry to be discovered... especially as the society seems to justify this, and even give it some sense (the priests in the front verse)..
sorry if it wasn't understandable, I'll try to edit it making it more clear ;-)
thanks so much for your comment, glad you loved the train part.. was trying to decently put the idea of the 'last train' in a song in which it didn't worked, happy to hear it's fine in this :-)
thanks again Tim :wave:

Ahhh. That's some good subject matter right there.

[missmatilde]

thanks Matt, it's such a compliment from you :blush:
I'll try to work on it today, and edit it this evening ;-)

[missmatilde]

did

[missmatilde]

well, I tried, but I'm not too sure how clearer it is. I changed the ending quite a lot, so now the musice there is different, and gives a sort of 'effort to tell it' feeling, if that makes sense... and not sure if it's a good thing...
any better??
love you guys so much that when everybody got to bed on Christmas eve I went to post on AP instead of waiting for Santa...
I expect a present tho ;-)